Awesome experience, Mystery(Ms. Soumya) revisited, heart-touching imageries, a welcome refresher to all the senses of this lover of Art and Beauty.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Learning
http://norvig.com/21-days.html
I'm baffled by the thrill of learning and the novel attitudes great minds have shown towards it. Words from "Ek Doctor Ki Maut" still echo in my ears-
"So much to do, so little is done. Hurry up!"
Everyone knows knowledge is limitless. Everyone knows education takes time. Everyone knows that nobody can know everything. Why then waste all these years of youth learning stuff that mankind knows already? Why not just get lost somewhere in the hills, adore Nature's beauty and age like its other components? Everyone dies anyway. Why all the fuss about knowledge?
To the mind of the learner, these questions are immaterial. The learner sees his Science like a vast ocean, with himself standing somewhere near the shore. He knows it's not possible to scale its entirety. And he doesn't even want to. He wants to swim, swim as far as he can, away from the world which sees more than just the ocean. He wants to venture so far into the interior that all he sees is the ocean. It is there that he finds contentment. He is not bothered by the petty issues that attract the attention of the mortal world. In the lap of his Science, a learner finds peace, escapes times, feels a divine influence around him. That is the point where something magical happens. When he becomes one with the ocean, he adds to its richness. He becomes the reason for his successors to exist. He becomes a symbol. No one may know it, and it doesn't matter if no one does, for Science isn't dependent on anybody's awareness of its diversity. All we can do is admire the ripples that gently touch our feet while we stand on the shore, admiring the overwhelming vastness.
I sit here typing this post as a tribute to all the above average minds I have come across till date. Wherever there's an inclination towards learning, I respect it. There's a strange sort of craziness involved in mastering a subject. Why it's crazy is obvious, but why it is strange is because the craziness is built upon a highly sensible base. The craziness that encapsulates a learning drive is highly overwhelming, and few can handle it properly. Those who do manage it, emerge at the top of the trade.
There's a lot of patience involved in becoming a master of a trade, I believe. The major step, though, is taking a simple decision. As simple as answering, "Do I really want to master this?" Once you're sure you want to pursue something, no matter where you stand at the moment, you can build yourself into the entity you've foreseen yourself to be. A famous Zen poem summarizes the way to master any Science:
I'm baffled by the thrill of learning and the novel attitudes great minds have shown towards it. Words from "Ek Doctor Ki Maut" still echo in my ears-
"So much to do, so little is done. Hurry up!"
Everyone knows knowledge is limitless. Everyone knows education takes time. Everyone knows that nobody can know everything. Why then waste all these years of youth learning stuff that mankind knows already? Why not just get lost somewhere in the hills, adore Nature's beauty and age like its other components? Everyone dies anyway. Why all the fuss about knowledge?
To the mind of the learner, these questions are immaterial. The learner sees his Science like a vast ocean, with himself standing somewhere near the shore. He knows it's not possible to scale its entirety. And he doesn't even want to. He wants to swim, swim as far as he can, away from the world which sees more than just the ocean. He wants to venture so far into the interior that all he sees is the ocean. It is there that he finds contentment. He is not bothered by the petty issues that attract the attention of the mortal world. In the lap of his Science, a learner finds peace, escapes times, feels a divine influence around him. That is the point where something magical happens. When he becomes one with the ocean, he adds to its richness. He becomes the reason for his successors to exist. He becomes a symbol. No one may know it, and it doesn't matter if no one does, for Science isn't dependent on anybody's awareness of its diversity. All we can do is admire the ripples that gently touch our feet while we stand on the shore, admiring the overwhelming vastness.
I sit here typing this post as a tribute to all the above average minds I have come across till date. Wherever there's an inclination towards learning, I respect it. There's a strange sort of craziness involved in mastering a subject. Why it's crazy is obvious, but why it is strange is because the craziness is built upon a highly sensible base. The craziness that encapsulates a learning drive is highly overwhelming, and few can handle it properly. Those who do manage it, emerge at the top of the trade.
There's a lot of patience involved in becoming a master of a trade, I believe. The major step, though, is taking a simple decision. As simple as answering, "Do I really want to master this?" Once you're sure you want to pursue something, no matter where you stand at the moment, you can build yourself into the entity you've foreseen yourself to be. A famous Zen poem summarizes the way to master any Science:
To follow the path:
look to the master,
follow the master,
walk with the master,
see through the master,
become the master.
Death of a Doctor
Heart-wrenching.
It's been quite a while since anything touched me this much. Thanks to a special suggestion by a brother of mine, this tiny being of mine was blessed with a fresh stream of thoughts that carried me back to the world that was the basis of my core. The biggest thing that I can't reason against is passion, a persistent will to strive to push the limits of excellence. It can take a form mightier than any state of mind. You hear people doing superhuman stuff, right? THIS is how they do it. And when you see something as noble as striving for excellence being ridiculed by ignorance, by hollow, materialistic sentiments - if you're a true patron of excellence, you're hurt. 'Ek Doctor Ki Maut' reignited some dormant flames, brought back from a past drifted afar the echoes of some vows every scientific mind makes to Science. I might be talking like a madman, but this is exactly how it feels at the moment. This won't last long. I would be sane and sober soon after I finish this post. I will probably sleep its essence off completely and wake up without carrying any trace of it in my head. But somewhere inside that mind of mine, a dormant desperation would have been nudged a little, shaken a little, awoken a little. I wonder if it's a bane to be able to see the shortcomings of following an 'insane' path of work. I wonder if it's okay for someone to know that he also holds a perspective that sees his own actions as 'insane' and continue to do so. I wonder if admitting the possibility, that multiple perspectives for the one thing that defines your identity can be contained in a mind, can cut you off from where the graph takes a hyperbolic turn for excellence to a slate of mediocrity and a false sense of contentment based upon facts you don't even know. But who am I? I am not even educated enough. I can only feel. But feeling has power. By appreciating the greatness of those that have gone after making a mark(or made a mark after they were gone), I can convince myself that my thirst hasn't been quenched. That I'm still as eager to know more as I was when I submitted myself to this field. Yeah, too much talking for someone who can't even write simple code. But that's how I feel. And as long as I feel this way, regardless of who you are, I can look into your eyes and claim that I represent the Science that's bigger than you or I can ever be.
A humble salute to Dr Subhash Mukhopadhyay by a patron. And thanks to him for all the inspiration.
http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2009-06-13/kolkata/28172611_1_suicide-note-apathy-plaque
http://www.drsubhasmukherjee.com/
http://drsubhasmukhopadhyay.blogspot.com/
It's been quite a while since anything touched me this much. Thanks to a special suggestion by a brother of mine, this tiny being of mine was blessed with a fresh stream of thoughts that carried me back to the world that was the basis of my core. The biggest thing that I can't reason against is passion, a persistent will to strive to push the limits of excellence. It can take a form mightier than any state of mind. You hear people doing superhuman stuff, right? THIS is how they do it. And when you see something as noble as striving for excellence being ridiculed by ignorance, by hollow, materialistic sentiments - if you're a true patron of excellence, you're hurt. 'Ek Doctor Ki Maut' reignited some dormant flames, brought back from a past drifted afar the echoes of some vows every scientific mind makes to Science. I might be talking like a madman, but this is exactly how it feels at the moment. This won't last long. I would be sane and sober soon after I finish this post. I will probably sleep its essence off completely and wake up without carrying any trace of it in my head. But somewhere inside that mind of mine, a dormant desperation would have been nudged a little, shaken a little, awoken a little. I wonder if it's a bane to be able to see the shortcomings of following an 'insane' path of work. I wonder if it's okay for someone to know that he also holds a perspective that sees his own actions as 'insane' and continue to do so. I wonder if admitting the possibility, that multiple perspectives for the one thing that defines your identity can be contained in a mind, can cut you off from where the graph takes a hyperbolic turn for excellence to a slate of mediocrity and a false sense of contentment based upon facts you don't even know. But who am I? I am not even educated enough. I can only feel. But feeling has power. By appreciating the greatness of those that have gone after making a mark(or made a mark after they were gone), I can convince myself that my thirst hasn't been quenched. That I'm still as eager to know more as I was when I submitted myself to this field. Yeah, too much talking for someone who can't even write simple code. But that's how I feel. And as long as I feel this way, regardless of who you are, I can look into your eyes and claim that I represent the Science that's bigger than you or I can ever be.
A humble salute to Dr Subhash Mukhopadhyay by a patron. And thanks to him for all the inspiration.
http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2009-06-13/kolkata/28172611_1_suicide-note-apathy-plaque
http://www.drsubhasmukherjee.com/
http://drsubhasmukhopadhyay.blogspot.com/
Monday, January 30, 2012
Decisions
I've been utterly irresolute and indecisive for most of my life. Most of the times I managed to get things done, it was mainly because I was totally frustrated because of lack of direction or a feeling that I haven't thought of all possible options, and that I might be going wrong if I act according to what seems right at the instant. That kind of thing happens for almost every action that originates from the outside world(working on something assigned to me by someone else). The only other way I end up doing things is instinctively. A sudden strike of an idea followed by a thoughtless course of action without any consideration whatsoever. This kind happens when my mind is preoccupied with thoughts of some externally originated activity and I take on a new course of action without premeditation. This is responsible for the tiny applets I used to create and play around with during school.
I used to believe that work-smartness is incorporated in a thought-centric approach, in reckoning more and more possibilities that can be built around a hypothetical course of action. It may sound like a good way of doing things, but doesn't even come close to a decent one in creating stuff. This has been a big lesson: If you want to create stuff, create it. Learn as you go. The know-it-all-before-you-begin approach has its own applications, but they're of any use only after you've made it across the huge span of the territory of "do-it-now." When you can get everything done, think of the remaining possibilities. This theoretical approach is very useful in structuring your knowledge and seeing your work from a variety of perspectives. But I must admit, my beloved approach doesn't pay a dime during your peak working age.
When you're planning to do something as opposed to thinking it out and then letting it happen, you're more focussed towards its completion. You have a good idea of when you'll deem your work has started and when it will finish, all of which could be relatively more complicated when you're thinking of letting things happen. ("Letting things happen" reminds me of relationships for some reason, we'll try assessing that in a future post.) Moreover, if your focus remains on the work instead of the theory of the work, you retain its practical details more distinctly. However, you may tend to forget it soon after your work's completed, which calls for repeated application of your working knowledge to grab it well.
I used to think this was a very hollow way of working. Never did I realize almost all good work I've managed to actually accomplish has come this way. I still stand by the opinion that this becomes hollow at a certain level, but one doesn't need to anticipate that moment when one's just beginning. The realization comes well ahead of time and the decision as to how one would go about one's work after every stage of success remains in one's hands. If you can see where you're going with respect to your approach, and you have a good control over your actions and thoughts, you can switch over as required to optimize your productivity.
Adios!
I used to believe that work-smartness is incorporated in a thought-centric approach, in reckoning more and more possibilities that can be built around a hypothetical course of action. It may sound like a good way of doing things, but doesn't even come close to a decent one in creating stuff. This has been a big lesson: If you want to create stuff, create it. Learn as you go. The know-it-all-before-you-begin approach has its own applications, but they're of any use only after you've made it across the huge span of the territory of "do-it-now." When you can get everything done, think of the remaining possibilities. This theoretical approach is very useful in structuring your knowledge and seeing your work from a variety of perspectives. But I must admit, my beloved approach doesn't pay a dime during your peak working age.
When you're planning to do something as opposed to thinking it out and then letting it happen, you're more focussed towards its completion. You have a good idea of when you'll deem your work has started and when it will finish, all of which could be relatively more complicated when you're thinking of letting things happen. ("Letting things happen" reminds me of relationships for some reason, we'll try assessing that in a future post.) Moreover, if your focus remains on the work instead of the theory of the work, you retain its practical details more distinctly. However, you may tend to forget it soon after your work's completed, which calls for repeated application of your working knowledge to grab it well.
I used to think this was a very hollow way of working. Never did I realize almost all good work I've managed to actually accomplish has come this way. I still stand by the opinion that this becomes hollow at a certain level, but one doesn't need to anticipate that moment when one's just beginning. The realization comes well ahead of time and the decision as to how one would go about one's work after every stage of success remains in one's hands. If you can see where you're going with respect to your approach, and you have a good control over your actions and thoughts, you can switch over as required to optimize your productivity.
Adios!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Introspection on the Social Front
For the world, I'm a 20 year old lad pursuing his bachelor's degree and undergoing the most enjoyable and enriching phase of his life. For my peers, I'm an octogenarian who loves to study and doesn't have the words "fashion," "grooming," and "relaxation" in this dictionary, and who never managed to understand how to live a normal life and have fun. For my parents and relatives, I'm an obedient lad with high ambitions, who stays involved in stuff that doesn't particularly appeal to them. For the rest of the world that knows me, I'm just rumours.
It's difficult to decide what I and and I'm supposed to be, and most of the time it seems justified that the best solution to this identity problem is its complete ignorance. But somewhere down the line, my intellectual elements wouldn't let me sit without guilt if I went down that sort of a track. So, I thought, let's take a look at the social scenario of my life again.
I was all snug and comfortable in a group of pals for ninety percent of school life. Towards the end came a change of streams. Didn't get to spend any time with old folks. Soon, school got over and faces were encountered even more infrequently. You can't really help it. Newer environments need to be given their own bit of significance. Add to that the gradual emergence of interests. As your real interests surface, you're automated to devote yourself to them. And since it's the case with everyone, and this is fundamentally the most important phase of building your career(and life), nobody messes around with it. Bottomline: sometimes you need to let things drift.
College wasn't much of a hype after it started. Hardly a couple of folks with matching interests. More importantly, matching mindsets. Most of the chat I've heard in college has been about puppy love and teenage crap, trending stuff from TV, cool shows from here and there, cool this, cool that, "he did this," "she did that," and stuff along all those lines. Sadly, I am not quite appealed by this stuff. But you can't say no to it all because people around you simply wouldn't let you be on your own. A moment of peace(among other things) is unaffordable unless you literally snatch it. It's not that I don't enjoy being relaxed, or having fun, but the fun I am made to have isn't exactly what I like best. In other words, most of the time since college started I've been a sociopath.
I had entered college with just one motive: to study. What I have done so far is anything but that. More importantly, what the college silently claims to give us is not exactly education but jobs. The main focus is on getting things done instead of getting the right things done. Sure, most people study only for getting jobs and even I want one when I graduate. But I want more study and less fun. And I hate it when I'm building up a frame of mind to study and am distracted because of some silly irrelevant event.
Writing this post, I've come across certain points that give an indication of my own lack of initiative, and I guess I'll sort them out soon. But that doesn't mean the system's right. I know it's just a matter of four years, but this was supposedly going to be the most cherished part of my life. Turns out this will be the most forgettable.
So, anyway, the kind of environment I had been looking forward to didn't really take corporal manifestation and I openly disapprove of anybody who at this point wants to suggest anything along the line of "You don't get a congenial environment, you make it." I'm not at the stage where you need to be told that stuff. Pardon my stubbornness here but I wouldn't make any such propositions without reason.
The kind of things(read relations/behaviour) I like are those developed naturally, gradually, and without any hollowness or enforced reasons. More importantly, not developed for personal gains of any sort. This is one of the reasons I prefer to stay socially subdued in college. This is also one of the reasons why bonds made in early school life are the best ones you ever made, because you didn't have to have any reasons for associating with anyone, and you didn't have any per-formed notions about anyone.
The kind of surroundings I have best thrived in are those in which people respect each other's individuality and everyone is serious towards their primary goal, where there is healthy competition between everyone and everyone wishes the best for each other. And nobody does something for someone just because that someone did something for him. Equally importantly, nobody doesn't do something for someone just because that someone couldn't do something for him. In other words, bonds are not functions of any give and take policies. That's pretty much utopia for me.
Moreover, I'm a simple, middle-class guy. I don't have too many wants. Most of what I want is on the intellectual front. Whatever materialistic wants I do nurture are solely borne out out of responsibilities I'd have to take over somewhere in the near future. I'd be quite content in living a simpler life each day, as long as I'm not required to do anything that requires more resources at my disposal. I'd feel elevated while lying down on dry grass on bright sunny days, enjoying the breeze and feeling the heat burn my skin at the same time to make up a beautiful tragedy. I wouldn't as much enjoy dressing up in a trendy manner and enjoying high profile stuff with high profile people. All people around me enjoy that kinda thing. But that's simply not my stuff.
I like discussing stuff if people are focussed more on the discussion than on who's winning the debate. I like giving people a chance at things if they can do it better. I don't like to argue if it soils the tempo. I like remaining silent and listening if there's sense at the other end.
For all the above reasons, it's difficult to find a congenial environment for me to settle. I've stopped looking for it. It's a pity that it spoils a mindset that I was once proud of having. Then again, this is not my world. This is the world where I am the corporal being that I am perceived as. In my world I'm just a theory, like everyone else in my world. In my world, I'm that aspect of your behaviour that I fixed, I'm that favourite song of yours that I suggested you, I'm the anonymity that lets your heart talk, I'm the silence that lets your voice be heard, I'm an observer who observer who observes the world. Observes. The right to observe the world as I do comes with the duty of not modifying it. Socially, this would be wrong, which is why this is not me in your world. This is me in my world, where I observe things and I am non-existent. I'm the the mindset of yours that I read. I am your personality trait that I can't understand. I am a hypothesis. And if you try seeing the me in your world in the light of what you know about me in my world, you'll be let down. This simply isn't my world. But my world exists alright.
It's difficult to decide what I and and I'm supposed to be, and most of the time it seems justified that the best solution to this identity problem is its complete ignorance. But somewhere down the line, my intellectual elements wouldn't let me sit without guilt if I went down that sort of a track. So, I thought, let's take a look at the social scenario of my life again.
I was all snug and comfortable in a group of pals for ninety percent of school life. Towards the end came a change of streams. Didn't get to spend any time with old folks. Soon, school got over and faces were encountered even more infrequently. You can't really help it. Newer environments need to be given their own bit of significance. Add to that the gradual emergence of interests. As your real interests surface, you're automated to devote yourself to them. And since it's the case with everyone, and this is fundamentally the most important phase of building your career(and life), nobody messes around with it. Bottomline: sometimes you need to let things drift.
College wasn't much of a hype after it started. Hardly a couple of folks with matching interests. More importantly, matching mindsets. Most of the chat I've heard in college has been about puppy love and teenage crap, trending stuff from TV, cool shows from here and there, cool this, cool that, "he did this," "she did that," and stuff along all those lines. Sadly, I am not quite appealed by this stuff. But you can't say no to it all because people around you simply wouldn't let you be on your own. A moment of peace(among other things) is unaffordable unless you literally snatch it. It's not that I don't enjoy being relaxed, or having fun, but the fun I am made to have isn't exactly what I like best. In other words, most of the time since college started I've been a sociopath.
I had entered college with just one motive: to study. What I have done so far is anything but that. More importantly, what the college silently claims to give us is not exactly education but jobs. The main focus is on getting things done instead of getting the right things done. Sure, most people study only for getting jobs and even I want one when I graduate. But I want more study and less fun. And I hate it when I'm building up a frame of mind to study and am distracted because of some silly irrelevant event.
Writing this post, I've come across certain points that give an indication of my own lack of initiative, and I guess I'll sort them out soon. But that doesn't mean the system's right. I know it's just a matter of four years, but this was supposedly going to be the most cherished part of my life. Turns out this will be the most forgettable.
So, anyway, the kind of environment I had been looking forward to didn't really take corporal manifestation and I openly disapprove of anybody who at this point wants to suggest anything along the line of "You don't get a congenial environment, you make it." I'm not at the stage where you need to be told that stuff. Pardon my stubbornness here but I wouldn't make any such propositions without reason.
The kind of things(read relations/behaviour) I like are those developed naturally, gradually, and without any hollowness or enforced reasons. More importantly, not developed for personal gains of any sort. This is one of the reasons I prefer to stay socially subdued in college. This is also one of the reasons why bonds made in early school life are the best ones you ever made, because you didn't have to have any reasons for associating with anyone, and you didn't have any per-formed notions about anyone.
The kind of surroundings I have best thrived in are those in which people respect each other's individuality and everyone is serious towards their primary goal, where there is healthy competition between everyone and everyone wishes the best for each other. And nobody does something for someone just because that someone did something for him. Equally importantly, nobody doesn't do something for someone just because that someone couldn't do something for him. In other words, bonds are not functions of any give and take policies. That's pretty much utopia for me.
Moreover, I'm a simple, middle-class guy. I don't have too many wants. Most of what I want is on the intellectual front. Whatever materialistic wants I do nurture are solely borne out out of responsibilities I'd have to take over somewhere in the near future. I'd be quite content in living a simpler life each day, as long as I'm not required to do anything that requires more resources at my disposal. I'd feel elevated while lying down on dry grass on bright sunny days, enjoying the breeze and feeling the heat burn my skin at the same time to make up a beautiful tragedy. I wouldn't as much enjoy dressing up in a trendy manner and enjoying high profile stuff with high profile people. All people around me enjoy that kinda thing. But that's simply not my stuff.
I like discussing stuff if people are focussed more on the discussion than on who's winning the debate. I like giving people a chance at things if they can do it better. I don't like to argue if it soils the tempo. I like remaining silent and listening if there's sense at the other end.
For all the above reasons, it's difficult to find a congenial environment for me to settle. I've stopped looking for it. It's a pity that it spoils a mindset that I was once proud of having. Then again, this is not my world. This is the world where I am the corporal being that I am perceived as. In my world I'm just a theory, like everyone else in my world. In my world, I'm that aspect of your behaviour that I fixed, I'm that favourite song of yours that I suggested you, I'm the anonymity that lets your heart talk, I'm the silence that lets your voice be heard, I'm an observer who observer who observes the world. Observes. The right to observe the world as I do comes with the duty of not modifying it. Socially, this would be wrong, which is why this is not me in your world. This is me in my world, where I observe things and I am non-existent. I'm the the mindset of yours that I read. I am your personality trait that I can't understand. I am a hypothesis. And if you try seeing the me in your world in the light of what you know about me in my world, you'll be let down. This simply isn't my world. But my world exists alright.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
My Little Coding Life
I started seeing programming as an interest in the ninth standard. The language was Java and I kind of liked it for obvious reasons. I didn't read any books(except for referring to a concept or keyword by chance), and most of whatever I learned was from seeing demo codes on the internet or those packaged with the platform or IDE. Incidentally, I ended up knowing more than what was required in the course, and I liked the fact. Most of my classmates were not interested in programming(but were deeply inclined towards computers) and so there was little encouragement for learning more through regular discussions. And since others around me(except a few guys) weren't into the subject, I got labelled as the programming guy. Of course, I liked it. Those kind of things help you shape long term visions at that age. So when our syllabus contained basic syntax and simple patterns, I was enthusiastically trying out basic graphics, swing, and even went on to try some j3d. The ignorance of the real-world applications and significance of those things hardly mattered. I was happy as long as I was doing something appealing(to me) and could see my code working and creating, well, kinda cool outputs. One of my earliest experiments - an useless applet looking like a mobile phone with its buttons taking you to other applets, and a couple of other features - remains my favourite creation. (And most tragic since I deleted the source code myself and didn't have any idea of undelete software back then).
Towards the end of school, I had tried to get a taste of what web design seems like. Since I had no idea of what it was like, even a very simple presentation(for some reason I was doing a presentation through web pages) with only a few pages and no significant code took me a lot of slogging(50 hours of searching through examples of everything, with high fever). That was the first time I came face to face with CSS, Javascript, XML, AJAX, ASP.NET, PHP, etc. Ignorance again, I thought of using them all together to get my simple thing done(I was a visionless guy back then, it was all uncharted territory for me). But some basic CSS and javascript did come out of that and more importantly, I understood the basic working principles. But above all, I was happy to have worked and produced something that I couldn't have done with my knowledge just a few hours back. Today, that stuff would take less than 8-10 minutes but you know, there's something about first times.
Somewhere towards the end of school, thanks to some nice people I met online, I came to know about HackerNews. I was very much used to surfing through cool content, and from the time I actually started checking out the posts, a major portion of the content I saw online was via HN. Uh, the discussions thread always seemed boring because I never got the head and tail of it all.
Fast forward to the college scenario. I entered a B.Tech.(IT) course. I believe I don't need to mention the experience. All I can say is, it's been a big let down so far, and doesn't seem any more promising even in the future. But you need a degree to survive, they say. That's probably the philosophy that brought most people to the course because hardly anyone seemed/seems interested about learning any of the cool stuff. (For that matter, we don't have any cool stuff taught in our course. Most of the things are presented in a rather boring and confined manner. I'm talking about self-educating.) Also, I didn't have much of an idea about things beyond "I like coding." Through HN and the other communities it led me to, I got a global view of the subject. Of course, my effective knowledge hadn't increased one bit, but I did realize what directions exist and which ones can be taken.
Doing experiments, creating small, useless programs just for the fun of it, gave me a nice hang of Java and I felt at ease with it. When time came to learn some C, I didn't know how to approach it. I didn't feel too motivated to do much of self-study. The little knowledge I was given was enough to write the basic syntax and apply most of the logic I already knew. Anyway, despite knowing the implications, I couldn't get the same feel as I got when I started learning Java. The bonding never came.
When second year approached, I was trying out some spoj and codechef stuff. I also thought it was time to learn something about web design, so w3schools became frequently visited(I didn't think of comprehensive tutorials because I didn't know w3schools wasn't exactly tutorial stuff). That kept happening on and on till I had a decent idea about how things worked. The only shortcoming was, I wasn't actually learning it. And for some reason I didn't feel motivated to. I started believing I had lost interest, but then a couple of tests verified that hadn't happened. I now believe that it was because I wasn't putting the code to any use. I was simply seeing stuff, not creating any new programs as I had done earlier.
I thought I needed to collaborate with some friends to get the push each time I slowed down. Tried talking to some folks, and they agreed as well. And then I stumbled upon a new lesson: more people, collective procrastination. I guess distance was the problem because none of the people I talked to lived in a place close enough to share sufficient on a regular basis. Anyway, that didn't work out and I was kinda frustrated. And thereafter I quit thinking about collaborating. I needed to find another way out now. I had to work alone.
So I thought, well, let's make some programs. But each time I thought of anything, the feeling within was "You don't know enough about this. Things can be done better. They are supposed to be done differently. Come back when you're prepared." A small site design project I suddenly found myself associated with required some JSP. And required some progress within a couple of days. When the focus was on the output, I seemed to do better. After a lot of Google-Copy-Paste-Modify rounds, I also started finding some sense and interest in the language. And when that was done I read a book on it. Towards the end of the Struts part, I realized the boilerplate code was getting too much and that it was now becoming boring and I needed to learn more flashy stuff like PHP. So I stopped, and started contemplating.
Every few months, I find myself hanging around with the same languages in a random order. I learn a bit, expand the knowledge, and before I can set foot firmly, something distracts me or some duty calls, and I return with a different interest. Though there is some sort of growth in the knowledge, it isn't exactly the kind where I can firmly say "I know this." I know some Java, I know some JSP, a bit about the whole web design portion, but I don't know anything. Moreover, the confusion between what to give more emphasis to(more algos or more languages) is on the increase, since I've had good and bad times with both.
The good thing, though, is these days I wake up with extraordinarily good mindsets. Nothing creative, but everything positive. Regular study does help, I guess. Especially when it comes during the holidays. I have a dream(a distributed vision, to be precise). I will live to see it come true. Just a matter of time before things start working. At the moment, there's some tea to be made and some old projects to be resumed.
Adios!
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