Dumb Life and a Colon P

Delhi-6

2012-02-08T00:54:00.002+05:30

Awesome experience, Mystery(Ms. Soumya) revisited, heart-touching imageries, a welcome refresher to all the senses of this lover of Art and Beauty.

Learning

2012-01-31T22:41:00.003+05:30

http://norvig.com/21-days.html

I'm baffled by the thrill of learning and the novel attitudes great minds have shown towards it. Words from "Ek Doctor Ki Maut" still echo in my ears-
"So much to do, so little is done. Hurry up!"

Everyone knows knowledge is limitless. Everyone knows education takes time. Everyone knows that nobody can know everything. Why then waste all these years of youth learning stuff that mankind knows already? Why not just get lost somewhere in the hills, adore Nature's beauty and age like its other components? Everyone dies anyway. Why all the fuss about knowledge?

To the mind of the learner, these questions are immaterial. The learner sees his Science like a vast ocean, with himself standing somewhere near the shore. He knows it's not possible to scale its entirety. And he doesn't even want to. He wants to swim, swim as far as he can, away from the world which sees more than just the ocean. He wants to venture so far into the interior that all he sees is the ocean. It is there that he finds contentment. He is not bothered by the petty issues that attract the attention of the mortal world. In the lap of his Science, a learner finds peace, escapes times, feels a divine influence around him. That is the point where something magical happens. When he becomes one with the ocean, he adds to its richness. He becomes the reason for his successors to exist. He becomes a symbol. No one may know it, and it doesn't matter if no one does, for Science isn't dependent on anybody's awareness of its diversity. All we can do is admire the ripples that gently touch our feet while we stand on the shore, admiring the overwhelming vastness.

I sit here typing this post as a tribute to all the above average minds I have come across till date. Wherever there's an inclination towards learning, I respect it. There's a strange sort of craziness involved in mastering a subject. Why it's crazy is obvious, but why it is strange is because the craziness is built upon a highly sensible base. The craziness that encapsulates a learning drive is highly overwhelming, and few can handle it properly. Those who do manage it, emerge at the top of the trade.

There's a lot of patience involved in becoming a master of a trade, I believe. The major step, though, is taking a simple decision. As simple as answering, "Do I really want to master this?" Once you're sure you want to pursue something, no matter where you stand at the moment, you can build yourself into the entity you've foreseen yourself to be. A famous Zen poem summarizes the way to master any Science:

To follow the path:
look to the master,
follow the master,
walk with the master,
see through the master,
become the master.

Death of a Doctor

2012-01-31T01:02:00.001+05:30

Heart-wrenching.

It's been quite a while since anything touched me this much. Thanks to a special suggestion by a brother of mine, this tiny being of mine was blessed with a fresh stream of thoughts that carried me back to the world that was the basis of my core. The biggest thing that I can't reason against is passion, a persistent will to strive to push the limits of excellence. It can take a form mightier than any state of mind. You hear people doing superhuman stuff, right? THIS is how they do it. And when you see something as noble as striving for excellence being ridiculed by ignorance, by hollow, materialistic sentiments - if you're a true patron of excellence, you're hurt. 'Ek Doctor Ki Maut' reignited some dormant flames, brought back from a past drifted afar the echoes of some vows every scientific mind makes to Science. I might be talking like a madman, but this is exactly how it feels at the moment. This won't last long. I would be sane and sober soon after I finish this post. I will probably sleep its essence off completely and wake up without carrying any trace of it in my head. But somewhere inside that mind of mine, a dormant desperation would have been nudged a little, shaken a little, awoken a little. I wonder if it's a bane to be able to see the shortcomings of following an 'insane' path of work. I wonder if it's okay for someone to know that he also holds a perspective that sees his own actions as 'insane' and continue to do so. I wonder if admitting the possibility, that multiple perspectives for the one thing that defines your identity can be contained in a mind, can cut you off from where the graph takes a hyperbolic turn for excellence to a slate of mediocrity and a false sense of contentment based upon facts you don't even know. But who am I? I am not even educated enough. I can only feel. But feeling has power. By appreciating the greatness of those that have gone after making a mark(or made a mark after they were gone), I can convince myself that my thirst hasn't been quenched. That I'm still as eager to know more as I was when I submitted myself to this field. Yeah, too much talking for someone who can't even write simple code. But that's how I feel. And as long as I feel this way, regardless of who you are, I can look into your eyes and claim that I represent the Science that's bigger than you or I can ever be.

A humble salute to Dr Subhash Mukhopadhyay by a patron. And thanks to him for all the inspiration.

http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2009-06-13/kolkata/28172611_1_suicide-note-apathy-plaque
http://www.drsubhasmukherjee.com/
http://drsubhasmukhopadhyay.blogspot.com/

Decisions

2012-01-30T20:53:00.004+05:30

I've been utterly irresolute and indecisive for most of my life. Most of the times I managed to get things done, it was mainly because I was totally frustrated because of lack of direction or a feeling that I haven't thought of all possible options, and that I might be going wrong if I act according to what seems right at the instant. That kind of thing happens for almost every action that originates from the outside world(working on something assigned to me by someone else). The only other way I end up doing things is instinctively. A sudden strike of an idea followed by a thoughtless course of action without any consideration whatsoever. This kind happens when my mind is preoccupied with thoughts of some externally originated activity and I take on a new course of action without premeditation. This is responsible for the tiny applets I used to create and play around with during school.

I used to believe that work-smartness is incorporated in a thought-centric approach, in reckoning more and more possibilities that can be built around a hypothetical course of action. It may sound like a good way of doing things, but doesn't even come close to a decent one in creating stuff. This has been a big lesson: If you want to create stuff, create it. Learn as you go. The know-it-all-before-you-begin approach has its own applications, but they're of any use only after you've made it across the huge span of the territory of "do-it-now." When you can get everything done, think of the remaining possibilities. This theoretical approach is very useful in structuring your knowledge and seeing your work from a variety of perspectives. But I must admit, my beloved approach doesn't pay a dime during your peak working age.

When you're planning to do something as opposed to thinking it out and then letting it happen, you're more focussed towards its completion. You have a good idea of when you'll deem your work has started and when it will finish, all of which could be relatively more complicated when you're thinking of letting things happen. ("Letting things happen" reminds me of relationships for some reason, we'll try assessing that in a future post.) Moreover, if your focus remains on the work instead of the theory of the work, you retain its practical details more distinctly. However, you may tend to forget it soon after your work's completed, which calls for repeated application of your working knowledge to grab it well.

I used to think this was a very hollow way of working. Never did I realize almost all good work I've managed to actually accomplish has come this way. I still stand by the opinion that this becomes hollow at a certain level, but one doesn't need to anticipate that moment when one's just beginning. The realization comes well ahead of time and the decision as to how one would go about one's work after every stage of success remains in one's hands. If you can see where you're going with respect to your approach, and you have a good control over your actions and thoughts, you can switch over as required to optimize your productivity.

Adios!

Introspection on the Social Front

2012-01-27T22:19:00.000+05:30

For the world, I'm a 20 year old lad pursuing his bachelor's degree and undergoing the most enjoyable and enriching phase of his life. For my peers, I'm an octogenarian who loves to study and doesn't have the words "fashion," "grooming," and "relaxation" in this dictionary, and who never managed to understand how to live a normal life and have fun. For my parents and relatives, I'm an obedient lad with high ambitions, who stays involved in stuff that doesn't particularly appeal to them. For the rest of the world that knows me, I'm just rumours.
It's difficult to decide what I and and I'm supposed to be, and most of the time it seems justified that the best solution to this identity problem is its complete ignorance. But somewhere down the line, my intellectual elements wouldn't let me sit without guilt if I went down that sort of a track. So, I thought, let's take a look at the social scenario of my life again.

I was all snug and comfortable in a group of pals for ninety percent of school life. Towards the end came a change of streams. Didn't get to spend any time with old folks. Soon, school got over and faces were encountered even more infrequently. You can't really help it. Newer environments need to be given their own bit of significance. Add to that the gradual emergence of interests. As your real interests surface, you're automated to devote yourself to them. And since it's the case with everyone, and this is fundamentally the most important phase of building your career(and life), nobody messes around with it. Bottomline: sometimes you need to let things drift.

College wasn't much of a hype after it started. Hardly a couple of folks with matching interests. More importantly, matching mindsets. Most of the chat I've heard in college has been about puppy love and teenage crap, trending stuff from TV, cool shows from here and there, cool this, cool that, "he did this," "she did that," and stuff along all those lines. Sadly, I am not quite appealed by this stuff. But you can't say no to it all because people around you simply wouldn't let you be on your own. A moment of peace(among other things) is unaffordable unless you literally snatch it. It's not that I don't enjoy being relaxed, or having fun, but the fun I am made to have isn't exactly what I like best. In other words, most of the time since college started I've been a sociopath.

I had entered college with just one motive: to study. What I have done so far is anything but that. More importantly, what the college silently claims to give us is not exactly education but jobs. The main focus is on getting things done instead of getting the right things done. Sure, most people study only for getting jobs and even I want one when I graduate. But I want more study and less fun. And I hate it when I'm building up a frame of mind to study and am distracted because of some silly irrelevant event.

Writing this post, I've come across certain points that give an indication of my own lack of initiative, and I guess I'll sort them out soon. But that doesn't mean the system's right. I know it's just a matter of four years, but this was supposedly going to be the most cherished part of my life. Turns out this will be the most forgettable.

So, anyway, the kind of environment I had been looking forward to didn't really take corporal manifestation and I openly disapprove of anybody who at this point wants to suggest anything along the line of "You don't get a congenial environment, you make it." I'm not at the stage where you need to be told that stuff. Pardon my stubbornness here but I wouldn't make any such propositions without reason.

The kind of things(read relations/behaviour) I like are those developed naturally, gradually, and without any hollowness or enforced reasons. More importantly, not developed for personal gains of any sort. This is one of the reasons I prefer to stay socially subdued in college. This is also one of the reasons why bonds made in early school life are the best ones you ever made, because you didn't have to have any reasons for associating with anyone, and you didn't have any per-formed notions about anyone.

The kind of surroundings I have best thrived in are those in which people respect each other's individuality and everyone is serious towards their primary goal, where there is healthy competition between everyone and everyone wishes the best for each other. And nobody does something for someone just because that someone did something for him. Equally importantly, nobody doesn't do something for someone just because that someone couldn't do something for him. In other words, bonds are not functions of any give and take policies. That's pretty much utopia for me.

Moreover, I'm a simple, middle-class guy. I don't have too many wants. Most of what I want is on the intellectual front. Whatever materialistic wants I do nurture are solely borne out out of responsibilities I'd have to take over somewhere in the near future. I'd be quite content in living a simpler life each day, as long as I'm not required to do anything that requires more resources at my disposal. I'd feel elevated while lying down on dry grass on bright sunny days, enjoying the breeze and feeling the heat burn my skin at the same time to make up a beautiful tragedy. I wouldn't as much enjoy dressing up in a trendy manner and enjoying high profile stuff with high profile people. All people around me enjoy that kinda thing. But that's simply not my stuff.

I like discussing stuff if people are focussed more on the discussion than on who's winning the debate. I like giving people a chance at things if they can do it better. I don't like to argue if it soils the tempo. I like remaining silent and listening if there's sense at the other end.

For all the above reasons, it's difficult to find a congenial environment for me to settle. I've stopped looking for it. It's a pity that it spoils a mindset that I was once proud of having. Then again, this is not my world. This is the world where I am the corporal being that I am perceived as. In my world I'm just a theory, like everyone else in my world. In my world, I'm that aspect of your behaviour that I fixed, I'm that favourite song of yours that I suggested you, I'm the anonymity that lets your heart talk, I'm the silence that lets your voice be heard, I'm an observer who observer who observes the world. Observes. The right to observe the world as I do comes with the duty of not modifying it. Socially, this would be wrong, which is why this is not me in your world. This is me in my world, where I observe things and I am non-existent. I'm the the mindset of yours that I read. I am your personality trait that I can't understand. I am a hypothesis. And if you try seeing the me in your world in the light of what you know about me in my world, you'll be let down. This simply isn't my world. But my world exists alright.

My Little Coding Life

2012-01-25T20:11:00.001+05:30

I started seeing programming as an interest in the ninth standard. The language was Java and I kind of liked it for obvious reasons. I didn't read any books(except for referring to a concept or keyword by chance), and most of whatever I learned was from seeing demo codes on the internet or those packaged with the platform or IDE. Incidentally, I ended up knowing more than what was required in the course, and I liked the fact. Most of my classmates were not interested in programming(but were deeply inclined towards computers) and so there was little encouragement for learning more through regular discussions. And since others around me(except a few guys) weren't into the subject, I got labelled as the programming guy. Of course, I liked it. Those kind of things help you shape long term visions at that age. So when our syllabus contained basic syntax and simple patterns, I was enthusiastically trying out basic graphics, swing, and even went on to try some j3d. The ignorance of the real-world applications and significance of those things hardly mattered. I was happy as long as I was doing something appealing(to me) and could see my code working and creating, well, kinda cool outputs. One of my earliest experiments - an useless applet looking like a mobile phone with its buttons taking you to other applets, and a couple of other features - remains my favourite creation. (And most tragic since I deleted the source code myself and didn't have any idea of undelete software back then).

Towards the end of school, I had tried to get a taste of what web design seems like. Since I had no idea of what it was like, even a very simple presentation(for some reason I was doing a presentation through web pages) with only a few pages and no significant code took me a lot of slogging(50 hours of searching through examples of everything, with high fever). That was the first time I came face to face with CSS, Javascript, XML, AJAX, ASP.NET, PHP, etc. Ignorance again, I thought of using them all together to get my simple thing done(I was a visionless guy back then, it was all uncharted territory for me). But some basic CSS and javascript did come out of that and more importantly, I understood the basic working principles. But above all, I was happy to have worked and produced something that I couldn't have done with my knowledge just a few hours back. Today, that stuff would take less than 8-10 minutes but you know, there's something about first times.

Somewhere towards the end of school, thanks to some nice people I met online, I came to know about HackerNews. I was very much used to surfing through cool content, and from the time I actually started checking out the posts, a major portion of the content I saw online was via HN. Uh, the discussions thread always seemed boring because I never got the head and tail of it all.

Fast forward to the college scenario. I entered a B.Tech.(IT) course. I believe I don't need to mention the experience. All I can say is, it's been a big let down so far, and doesn't seem any more promising even in the future. But you need a degree to survive, they say. That's probably the philosophy that brought most people to the course because hardly anyone seemed/seems interested about learning any of the cool stuff. (For that matter, we don't have any cool stuff taught in our course. Most of the things are presented in a rather boring and confined manner. I'm talking about self-educating.) Also, I didn't have much of an idea about things beyond "I like coding." Through HN and the other communities it led me to, I got a global view of the subject. Of course, my effective knowledge hadn't increased one bit, but I did realize what directions exist and which ones can be taken.

Doing experiments, creating small, useless programs just for the fun of it, gave me a nice hang of Java and I felt at ease with it. When time came to learn some C, I didn't know how to approach it. I didn't feel too motivated to do much of self-study. The little knowledge I was given was enough to write the basic syntax and apply most of the logic I already knew. Anyway, despite knowing the implications, I couldn't get the same feel as I got when I started learning Java. The bonding never came.

When second year approached, I was trying out some spoj and codechef stuff. I also thought it was time to learn something about web design, so w3schools became frequently visited(I didn't think of comprehensive tutorials because I didn't know w3schools wasn't exactly tutorial stuff). That kept happening on and on till I had a decent idea about how things worked. The only shortcoming was, I wasn't actually learning it. And for some reason I didn't feel motivated to. I started believing I had lost interest, but then a couple of tests verified that hadn't happened. I now believe that it was because I wasn't putting the code to any use. I was simply seeing stuff, not creating any new programs as I had done earlier.

I thought I needed to collaborate with some friends to get the push each time I slowed down. Tried talking to some folks, and they agreed as well. And then I stumbled upon a new lesson: more people, collective procrastination. I guess distance was the problem because none of the people I talked to lived in a place close enough to share sufficient on a regular basis. Anyway, that didn't work out and I was kinda frustrated. And thereafter I quit thinking about collaborating. I needed to find another way out now. I had to work alone.

So I thought, well, let's make some programs. But each time I thought of anything, the feeling within was "You don't know enough about this. Things can be done better. They are supposed to be done differently. Come back when you're prepared." A small site design project I suddenly found myself associated with required some JSP. And required some progress within a couple of days. When the focus was on the output, I seemed to do better. After a lot of Google-Copy-Paste-Modify rounds, I also started finding some sense and interest in the language. And when that was done I read a book on it. Towards the end of the Struts part, I realized the boilerplate code was getting too much and that it was now becoming boring and I needed to learn more flashy stuff like PHP. So I stopped, and started contemplating.

Every few months, I find myself hanging around with the same languages in a random order. I learn a bit, expand the knowledge, and before I can set foot firmly, something distracts me or some duty calls, and I return with a different interest. Though there is some sort of growth in the knowledge, it isn't exactly the kind where I can firmly say "I know this." I know some Java, I know some JSP, a bit about the whole web design portion, but I don't know anything. Moreover, the confusion between what to give more emphasis to(more algos or more languages) is on the increase, since I've had good and bad times with both.

The good thing, though, is these days I wake up with extraordinarily good mindsets. Nothing creative, but everything positive. Regular study does help, I guess. Especially when it comes during the holidays. I have a dream(a distributed vision, to be precise). I will live to see it come true. Just a matter of time before things start working. At the moment, there's some tea to be made and some old projects to be resumed.

Adios!

Opinions Before I'm Done

2012-01-21T13:41:00.002+05:30

(Clarifications again, neither prose nor a poem, just a piece :P [that's how I supplement my bad Literature skills])

There's a lot I wanna tell you
There's a lot I need you to know
What I don't want, Love,
Are opinions before I'm done

There were times I wanted to speak
Break a few walls of false beliefs
But your hollow reason disallows my words,
You make opinions before I'm done

Software for my PC

2012-01-19T01:30:00.001+05:30

Preface :
The last couple of weeks have been too demanding on my little computer. Now that all the hardware's back to a steady working state, it's time to consider some software downgrades. That's right, downgrades. Not that I haven't switched over to resourceful programs already, just that so far the transition has been only partial.

That reminds me, it's been quite a while since I considered reformatting my computer. As an INFJ, I like things organized. I'd rather keep data organized than bulky - data without any organization can't be called information. With that sort of a view in mind, I have constantly been trying to think of better management methods of my own home PC. You basically keep moving files between folders and eliminating duplicates. And keep formatting every once in a while to get rid of garbage.

With better organization and sensible usage, the time between successive reformatting sessions can be extended for as long as desired. (I've been trying to squeeze in a reformat for over a couple of months now, but the system doesn't seem to come up with any major problems ;) ) So, this time the reformat(whenever it comes) shall be focussed on keeping critical spaces empty and staying neat, without compromising on features.

XP is KING :
I am a Windows XP lover. Unlike most coders, I haven't managed(haven't made effort really) to get comfortable(the "homely" feeling) with Linux. As for newer versions of Windows, well, nothing's robust enough for me. So, it is assumed that my primary OS will be XP and all the applications that I shall enlist hereafter will be targeted to run on XP.

The Real Stuff :
Before I could start off with a fresh installation, I thought it would be good to tabulate all the software I'll need. And then I thought it'd be good if I add a couple of parameters(open source, portable, lightweight, etc) to my searches. The result was a list of software that I think I would like working with. I have tried almost all of them and am happy with them, the remaining ones shall be tried soon.

One important question before we dive in: What do I use my computer for/How I use my computer?

I use my computer mainly for browsing.
A bit of programming.
Watching videos, playing songs, burning CDs and similar mortal purposes.
I DON'T do any significant image or video editing.
I DON'T play hardware-intensive games. The last I played was Escapa!
The ratio of rich-text files(ignore PDF) to plain-text files I come across is less than 1/100.
I have many ebooks and I keep opening some of them from time to time.
I can figure out what drivers I'll need for getting what hardware to work even if I don't know it beforehand.
If all the above points are common to your usage patterns as well, you can adopt the following suggestions in their entirety.

The following would be common to most users:

1. avast! Free Antivirus : Okay, I'd withhold any opinions on this. Everyone has their own liking of an antivirus. This is just what I like. Free and not too resource-intensive.

2. Google Chrome Portable : Tried a lot of others, but it seems like my type of browsing is exactly what Chrome is made for. I found someone had made portable versions available as well, so that was even better.

3. Billy : My love when it comes to playing mp3s.(Because that's what I normally listen to) Of course, I usually keep VLC installed as well. But mp3s belong to Billy! Portable version also available somewhere on the web.

4. Foxit Reader Portable : Every newbie gets RTFMed at some point of time. PDF is life!

5. OpenOffice Portable : I used to be a Microsoft fan in their better days, but Office always seemed a little too taxing on the resource front. Plus OpenOffice is (legally!) free.

6. uTorrent Portable : No descriptions required here. P2P is blood.

7. ImgBurn Portable : Free. You may also try BurnAware(relatively new).

8. 7zip Portable : Fast. Free. No-nonsense. Stable.

Apart from those, I'll need:

1. Some video converters : Can get some open-sourced ones from various sites.
2. JDK : religious purposes.
3. Microsoft .NET Framework : Because many Windows applications need it.
4. FLV Extract : A lovely piece of software(requires .NET framework) I came across a couple of years back. The best utility to extract audio and video channels from FLV files in no time.
5. NetBeans Portable : Because I couldn't figure out if Eclipse was better.
6. Diana : Because I'm an INFJ and I plan a lot(without implementing). ;)

(Please note that stuff like Adobe Flash Plugin or MS Office hasn't been included. I wanted to draw your attention to that fact in case you hadn't already given me some credit. Also note that apart from the OS, everything is legitimately free.)

My Computer :
I have a 1GB RAM and an 80GB harddisk with a dual core processor. Not the best of configurations, but good enough for my requirements. I have removed/am removing all data that my computer can do without. Most ebooks are finding their way to some cloud (mainly Amazon or Dropbox). Most songs have been deleted since I have unlimited access to the internet and a decent browsing speed(but more importantly, because I am okay with forcing myself to try out random music). That's probably enough for an average computer user like myself. Time for some downgrading now!

Not an Unmotivated Post

2011-12-31T19:05:00.002+05:30

I don't want to sound lame, but this post is being added solely to avoid ending the month(and year) with 13 entries.
"Why not delete an entry to avoid that number?" you may ask, and rightly so, because your writer admittedly doesn't seem to have his writing set right yet. But your writer has an answer that sure may not lift you off your feet, but would buy him sufficient grace to avoid getting seriously intimidated by nightmares about large scale virtual social mockery, which no doubt is as intangible as its concept is scary, since the number of followers this blogs has(24 - reverse of 42!) wouldn't account for a 'large-scale' tag even in the scarcest of population zones. And I live in a densely populated state. Pretty intimidatingly dense.

So, this post would be the fourteenth of this month - something I'd like to be proud of despite the apparent suspicion/skepticism about its authenticity. Sure enough not all posts were borne out of genuine motivation, but make no mistake about the post you're reading. Superstition is good motivation. Especially in my case. I am not superstitious. I "superstitiate" to self-motivate, then forget about the superstition part.

With that it's time to wrap this post up as I prepare to leave. Wish whatever 1-2 readers I have a prosperous and successful new year. Not that it makes any significance to me, but this wishing and greeting tradition has become routine since it's been happening almost every year. Anyway, no more crap on that.

Happy living!

Darn This Life

2011-12-30T22:50:00.000+05:30

Recent experiences with family members, acquaintances, new and old friends, and pretty much everyone else have all indicated that it's not feasible for me to exist in this environment. I have different needs, different priorities, and above all, a different perspective. And right now I feel more obliged than ever before to demand space for my perspectives. I have subjected my mind to all mindsets I deemed necessary to try. It hasn't been easy.

I am pretty much messed up on the mental side if I put the whole picture in a single frame. Recent mental exploits have made me appreciate the proposition of quitting something that doesn't work (after giving it due scope to work out) as a fact of life. I believe I am obliged to the things that have worked despite not giving them the efforts they deserve. Having thought of all this, I have concluded that I am in need of a cut off. I have another experiment to do and I need time to do the preps.

Now is the time to give up on everything(for those who only knew that I didn't have a life, I did have some sort of work or the other to keep me busy all the time). The realization coinciding with the advent of a new year isn't a surprise, I'm quite used to coincidences.

I'll make sure things click.

Tracking it down

2011-12-19T23:54:00.002+05:30

Removed wamp after it started coming up with its own problems because I had my own problems to deal with.
11:52 PM : Done with setting up Tomcat. Everything seems fine. Factory of Faith playing. I have some very dirty code spread across many files. And I guess I am going to do the only thing I can think of in such cases(I hate refactoring) - start from scratch. Not very motivated, but very resolved. For a change, feeling very sleepy.
12:17 AM : I don't even know what's to be stored where. It's getting colder. Sleep's kinda gone.
12:43 AM : Time's flying.
12:53 AM : Stopping service catalina.
1:01 AM : Binary times are good times. JSP gives a "hi 5"
1:31 AM : Boy, this thing works! "There are no worries for me."
1:37 AM : I gotta pee.
1:45 AM : Time to get serious. Recoding the whole model. Back to cosy core Java.
2:33 AM : Either I keep googling or leave that to others and go to bed. Very tempted to do the latter. But the former's been good so far. "The darker the night, the nearer the dawn."
2:48 AM : Big failure. I'm going to bed.

Ende.

[Update]

Messy night, alright. But glad to get a familiar feel. Hope to warm up and get my hands to work as soon as possible. Winter marks good luck. I have made so many plans over the last dozen vacations that apparently there's nothing left that I can consider doing. But since I haven't actually done anything in the dozen odd vacations that got wasted, everything I do will actually be completing some bit of some work I started in some vacation or the other. That's fine by me. I mean, I don't see any negatives here. (Boy, this sure seems like a nice trick to apply in the rest of life as well!)

Hypothesized

2011-12-17T22:07:00.000+05:30

"Don't Let Me Down" screams Lennon, taking the part of the heart that understands love to an elevated state of pain, while another part of the heart that can adore beauty loses itself to the musical ambience. Amid all the hustle-bustle of a world wary of being simple, in a small corner somewhere between Nowhere and Elsewhere, a young ambitious lad keys in what should be his fiftieth blog entry for the year. Despite all the calm from all the hours of the day he's been through, his mind is unsteady and seeks comfort in the second-long time span that should follow the last punctuation mark in his article.

On one corner of the table which supports his Medusa - a nineteen inch screen with an unusual desktop background - sit as grumpily as he does, two empty teacups, one of them slightly warmer than the other. Giving them company are bits and pieces of broken plectrums, a wallet, and a mobile phone very proudly possessed by the young lad but seldom invoked by a desirable voice. That's as far as he bothers to notice from the corner of his eyes - at the moment our subject is busy attempting to invoke an old trait he proudly held when he was younger and the world was sweeter - writing.

He halts for a moment, reflects a bit, then stares back at the screen without acknowledging its familiarity. It's just a few letters and images he sees on his screen. What can a few words do, he thinks? McCartney intervenes from his speakers: "Let It Be!" He regains his senses from the momentary lapse and finds he's lost in unfamiliar territory - he can see he's proceeding towards the end but can't sense himself moving. Like a traveller lost in a dark cave chasing a distant ray of light, he desperately tries to hold on to the fleeting thoughts that would redeem him. But his desperation is just a mock. He wants not what he seems to show he does. He knows not what he seems to know. He's not ignorant of that which he claims to be ignorant of. His ailment is not where he repeatedly applies the ointment.

He wonders all day and all night about his pathos, about all that ails him. He knows the picture of pain he exists in. And it is in the beauty of his tragedy that his love revels. His love for that which appeals straight to his reason, straight to his thirst. He loves to adore the tragedy that keeps him sorrowful. He remembers a certain Shakespeare iterating from a parallel earth :

As whence the sun 'gins his reflection
Shipwrecking storms and direful thunders break,
So from that spring whence comfort seem'd to come
Discomfort swells.

Alas, his adoration for the beauty of his own tragedy won't let him hold on to the thoughts that would redeem him.

As McCartney casts a new spell of a certain lucrative "Yesterday," our subject decides he's typed enough and retires to get himself a cup of tea.

Blogging and Me

2011-12-14T23:25:00.002+05:30

I've been blogging for sometime now, and most of it has been a silent affair. It's a peaceful routine - from time to time, something or the other makes me feel like expressing myself somewhere, writing things out, trying to see if I can phrase my views, and stuff like that. That's probably the only reason I blog. It makes me share my mind, retain its state at a given time in written form. Sometimes(like now), I sit and read some articles I'd written earlier just to try feeling the way I did when I wrote them.
Almost always, the tone or expression suggests that my perspective has changed since the time I wrote the article. The changes in mindset are sometimes very sharp and difficult to acknowledge, but witnessing the phenomenon of your own mental/intellectual growth is a beautiful experience. It allows you to improve - when you see a trend similar to some earlier one that led to failures, you can pick out the technical flaw in the situation and work around it. Even if it doesn't work you'll at least have another experience to add to your kitty, more stuff to analyze and more hints to spot the hitch.

Drawing To A Close: Positives & Negatives of 2011

2011-12-13T20:34:00.002+05:30

1. The title is an indication of objectivism. I generally don't have points to count. Being able to count points would be the first point I'd like to make. I still can't give examples, though.
2. Less thinking, less analysing. I still can't silence my mind at times but it's hopefully much more controlled now.
3. Thinking less. Being more "normal" in colloquial terms, that is. Stopped using my mind where it didn't matter significantly. Being mentally occupied all the time and taking the intellectual perspective right from the start can lead to isolation from the bigger picture, the actual happening. It's better avoided than worked out.
4. Confidence boost up and being strategic.
5. Acknowledged facts about not being able to keep up with old and new acquaintances and concluded that it's going the way it should be.
6. Guitar. A hobby obviously very close to the heart. My motto was along the lines of just sitting around with it all the time. Sort of helped.
7. Blogging. Going just fine since I decided to post short notes on an almost daily basis instead of stray(and rather vague, I admit) articles showing once every fortnight, or not showing up for months at a stretch. Big accomplishment - accredited to a couple of guys whom I discussed this with. Nice to see at least something working out.
8. Coding couldn't come up as expected. Thanks to some cooperative team members, got to perform decently on two occasions. No significant projects. Read far too many blogs. The last few posts only emphasizing "doing instead of reading." But I've got the indiscriminate reading problem more or less sorted. Just need to work towards liking details.
9. Lost a lot of typing speed(not that I was a Sean Wrona earlier). But, hey, 10wpm seems bigger as a loss than a gain.
10. Still making plans without much resolution. Lot of lack of grit exhibited throughout the year.
11. 2011 was the most active year in terms of addas. Met people from time to time during the whole year(and talked way too much), had loads of addas. I don't see that happening very often in the coming months.
12. Still an RHCP fan.
13. Decided to experiment with mindset on a broader basis.
14. Literature all gone. More negatives to come. And I still don't know where I lose all my time.
15. Changed as a netizen.
16. No significant achievements, darn!

What did you take away from 2011? I'd be glad to know. ;)

Lesson #(x+n)

2011-12-13T10:29:00.002+05:30

Want it or not, a considerable share of your day and life will be spent in an environment consisting of elements primarily from your class(other students, if you're a student, other businesspersons if you're a businessperson, etc). It is obvious because practically the whole class has similar needs and wants. This very fact accounts for the impossibility of there not being a clash of interests. It is obvious that if there are similar needs, the same resources will be shared, and a clash of interests is highly probable. However, on a daily basis, owing to the routined nature of our thought processes(adaptation to the local environment, etc.), we generally tend to overlook such reasons. It is good for professional and psychological integrity that we keep such facts in mind before getting utterly annoyed by trivial clashes. Although this does not suggest any remedies to the conflict as such, being prepared to face clashes of interests can make getting things done much easier solely on the temperamental advantage it has.

Birthdays

2011-12-11T23:56:00.001+05:30

Highly insignificant. For one of the reasons why I am not regarded as the regular college-going teen, I find the concept of celebrating birthdays highly insignificant. At least on the specific dates. The way I see birthdays being celebrated around me intensifies my view. I guess it should suffice that every once in a while, just randomly, you let those around you know why they're special to you. Even that's too much. I guess it should suffice if a silent assurance rest in your mind that those around you acknowledge your individuality and that you respect them for it. Maybe I have some bad memories of birthdays which I am unaware of or I am just too mundane to fancy celebrations of this sort(I dislike almost all public gatherings). I find my birthday the most inauspicious day on my calendar.

Do I Want It All?

2011-12-11T02:48:00.001+05:30

I look at it all in wonder and admiration. Sometimes adoration. Always pleasure. I derive from it all inspiration to exist and to excel. I keep coming back to it every now and then and find happiness everytime. I keep dreaming of it and feeling that someday things are going to change, hopefully get as good as that which I admire. But I relish my admiration as much as I respect the individuality of the people I watch and my own self. And despite years of admiring all the good things around me, I'm made to reconnoitre - do I actually want it all? Does what I appreciate somewhere else suit a place in my life as it is? Is it all relevant to me? A demented memory whispers from one of several convoluted corners ninety percent of the time "No." If this is how a perspective/life is shaped, I am glad to be alert to its happening.

I Know What You Downloaded On Bittorrent!

2011-12-11T01:08:00.001+05:30

(Don't expect it to give accurate or even relevant results if you're using a dynamic IP.)

I'm Lovin' It

2011-12-07T23:51:00.001+05:30

There's a new mindset growing over me, there's a change takin' over, and I'm loving every bit of it. I can see nothing, I feel good, and things are going GOOD. There's something in the equation that's undetermined and I'm enjoying every bit of not knowing it.

;)

Scores Level

2011-12-06T22:08:00.001+05:30

Quite frankly the only time most of my acquaintances remember me is when they have some work - when they need something or need to get something done. A casual chat beyond all work has become extinct. It has always been out of sight, out of mind with most acquaintances, which is why I refrain from using the term "friends" these days. I'm fine with that. I would have done pretty much the same had I been in their place, but maybe I just have less needs, or maybe I just can't tell because I was never into interacting too much. Apparently someone should remember a person only if a benefit of some kind can be derived from the person.

Fair enough. That's what all books teach, but it doesn't get down well at this end. If there's any logic to be followed, you wouldn't be just donating your efforts for everyone else's luxuries. And for all practical reasons, I have as much to do as anyone else, if not more. I used to get real bugged seeing even close acquaintances being too demanding despite knowing my problems or requirements. I used to think the whole world's bad, too practical and all that stuff. The truth is, everyone needs to be. You'll need to be inconsiderate to someone at some point of time, you'll need to place your value over someone else's at some point of time, you'll need to act selfish at some point of time. That's not intended to contribute to The World's Aggregated Lack of Humanity. It's just need.

Over the years(though I'm too young to be using this phrase), I've come to see that strict adherence to ethics only makes the bigger picture invisible to you. Inferences from events should not be made on the basis of pure theory but on how something is received, how it makes someone feel, how it makes a difference to the entirety of its scenario. Keeping the bigger picture in mind helps you look at things in a better way, making the uncaring world make some sense.

But, hey, that doesn't mean people on an average haven't become bigger asses than they ought to be. You can be as practical as you wish but can't keep having double measures all the time. Encroach too much on someone's freedom and you're sure to trigger resilience in some form.

Having said all of that, I'd like to sum it up by saying it's fine if the world bugs you too much - it's natural - and perhaps important in teaching you its ways. So, value yourself and take appropriate actions, stern if need be, to safeguard your mental integrity. Above all(this will be that last phrase which seems to contradict the essence of the entire article), be good human beings. ;)

Ever Happened With You?

2011-12-06T01:10:00.001+05:30

Sometime in the part of your life when you're on the more active side, you stumble upon certain experiences which make the pace of life feel ten times increased. Over a period of time, things come to a halt, and those experiences recede into an invisible background, possibly even beyond the scope of recollection. It takes real long to acknowledge the fact that such a growth phase has halted, and for the most part, you try piecing together bits of new, alien experiences thinking you've just momentarily lost track and it's actually the same story going on. When the limits of patience are finally broken, you're forced to open your eyes into a truth you had so long desperately tried to deny. You're forced to acknowledge the current world as it seems as your real world. You're forced to think you had been dreaming all this while. You're forced to believe that all the memories about the past you'd cherished are just exaggerated elements of your imagination. You have no alternative but to catch the same pace of life again an move on.

But amid all this catching and dropping of pace, there's some bit of life that is apparently lost, or just hidden somewhere. A whole bunch of facts and experiences set behind curtains that veil themselves as the world around you. From time to time, real world experiences trigger a sudden event which makes an image from the hidden life flit past your memory. Your mind yearns to know what that picture means. You can feel a definite association to the image but can't know what it is. You're lost in a puzzle which you're willingness to adopt the real world denies. It's there. You only fear acknowledging it because it makes the real world seem hollow, without a beginning. The lost part of the story is never found, but you can never stop looking for it.

Time and again, your heart goes back to think of how it could be possible to live a live and yet not know what happened in it, to think of how one could not miss waking up every single day and still find himself waking up to a totally new life one sudden day, to think of how everything could come about so subtly and convincingly to make the whole of life seem so meaningless before a series of events that don't even last a fraction of it.

All you do is introspect, and all you get is failure. And yet you continue to think about it because even in the thinking of the links you find their presence - the warmth of the familiarity of an unknown but unhostile past.

Changing Mindsets

2011-12-04T11:46:00.001+05:30

Being patient is simple: just when you start feeling you can't take it anymore, just hold on a little more. You have to constantly remind yourself the reason that called for patience in the first place. When you have a couple of indicators to show that persistence is indeed paying off, you get the determination to hold on a little longer.

Mental experiments are rarely short. In order for your mind to undergo a stable change and have the same reflected in your day to day life, you need to be a little patient with yourself and your environment. In the interim, you may face a number of challenges deterring you from the course you've adopted - you may, for example, feel a false sense of conscientiousness which might indicate that the changes (still in the initial stages) aren't right and are going to do more harm than good as they take root. You may start relating your personal experiences with what your mind wants to thi nk. All in all, you end up in mental dilemmas which effectively eat away your efficiency and focus at work.

The good news is, you're aware of what your mind's thinking, and with a bit of serious thought, it isn't too difficult to figure out why it's thinking the way it is. If you realize that your mind's wavering because of such dilemmas, just reassure yourself about the big picture, the cause that made you take the first step, the reason that spurred the whole undertaking, the whole experiment. You'd then realize that you're somewhere closer to your goal than the last time you assessed the state of affairs. You feel a sense of being lightened, a sense of personal victory, a sense of freedom. And most importantly, derive motivation to carry on.

Persist till you reach the end. The outcome may not always (it usually isn't) exactly as you'd thought, but you'll know it was the actual "right thing to do".

One of Those Useless Posts All Bloggers Make From Time to Time

2011-11-15T23:23:00.001+05:30

After almost significant shifts from my original INFP evaluation(to ISFP, INTP, etc), I'm back to showing normal results(with results in more agreement than ever before). For some strange reason, the profile of an INFP seems very likeable to me, as in I fancy being an INFP. You get to read a lot of good stuff about yourself from time to time. And when the stuff written about you happens to comply with what you actually feel about your life - and most of it is good - you can only feel "niceish."

Here's what they say about us "Dreamers" :

http://www.keirsey.com/4temps/healer.aspx

http://typelogic.com/infp.html

Mostly all writers in the list, which is one of the few things that make me feel like an outcast. But a description I fancy reading every once in a while, maybe just to be reassured that I'm heading the right way.

By the way, for anyone interested, this was the test that I'd taken:

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Our Little Spaces

2011-11-08T22:46:00.000+05:30

Apparently the realization of the present makes us see two distinct entities: those around us and the voids they fill in our lives. As life progresses, those around us change. We inherently assume that the same voids need to be filled up in the future without realizing that the whole notion of these voids or spaces comes into the frame only after there's someone occupying them. That lays the basis of what we perceive the roles of the new entries in our active life to be. The whole notion is flawed. But it's not practically possible for everyone to realize it in the first instance.

But once you do realize that you've been looking at people in a biased way all this time, you start feeling guilty of not having allowed them to mean to you what they meant to be. But one step further, the converse scenario is a little more appealing and is the reason why I'm writing this post. The converse scario describes your (now proven false) belief that the previous voids still exist. In clearer terms, you mean the same to those people. Indeed, once the spaces are emptied, one's free to tell anything but this about the bond that used to be.

This is not in the least to imply that relationships with people should be disposed of as and when they cease to be significantly beneficial in any aspect. The aim should be to continually assess what the state of the bond is, and to direct one's best efforts(in the domain of one's dignity) to maintain, if not strengthen, the bond. If, despite timely attempts, a particular bond seems weakening, it indicates that the occupied space has been vacated. It calls for a display of maturity and sensibility in the form of not just letting go, but also being open and unbiased to newer bonds.

[UPDATE]

That's what the story seems like, in the build-up stages.

The true implications of most philosophies that are created from scratch is realized only when they're completed and seen as a whole, which means it is very much possible to spend years in adding clause after clause to a technically sound build-up of propositions which comprise a theory and at the end of it all just admit that its implications aren't what seemed to be. That's the basis I'd like to use to put forward the second part of this post.

True, the initial proposition saves you a hell lot of mental tension and gives you a sense of moving along with time. That's the "shelled" approach. People create a shell around themselves because they don't want to be hurt or embarrassed in one way or the other. For the ones who agree that goodness should be unconditional, the approach isn't acceptable. They'd be reluctant to show their own acquaintances the exit door from their lives. I believe that's a pretty damn good approach to being human. "Forgive and forget" and similar policies probably took their birth from this line of thought. That means the ideal way to deal with the voids is to not care about them at all. The problem that creates itself(out of nothing), also resolves itself(the same way). The whole idea of and the problems dealing with the voids people envision in their lives can be dealt with if the whole idea of those spaces is dropped. Stupid.

And again, the attempt to justify one proposition leads to firmer belief in some other one. Life is stupid. Another vain attempt. I still have a takeaway from this which I shall discuss in a future post.

[The future posts that I talk about do come, with or without my knowledge. They just don't contain any references that correlate them to the previous posts.]

[Under Construction]

2011-11-01T21:55:00.002+05:30

Like unwritten pages of a half-written story

Replete with uncertainty, basked in its glory

A vague picture on a canvas invisible

Non-existent yet entirely perceptible

A vision that Passion and Art engendered

The flame around which a world was centered

A world never seen by a human eye

A bliss never had by those who try

A world where art is the start and the end

A society of abstracts where passion is trend

There in a corner in a void of sorts

Lay inebriated a man lost in thoughts.

Incentives of Being Instinctive

2011-10-29T10:36:00.003+05:30

Despite all the preoccupations one may have at various times and places in this complex deranged world, a huge portion of one's daily life can be conveniently lived on instinct. I do not have any early morning gyaan to convey, but here's what started my morning today, results of instinctive surfing(differs from random searching):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhuzYxmaPlc&feature=relmfu

(I may add I'm usually an RHCP enthusiast, in that out of the 5-6 or more hours that I spend listening to music, RHCP accounts for more than 90 percent.)

http://www.kalzumeus.com/2011/10/28/dont-call-yourself-a-programmer/

(This one's just too good not to share. Worth spending all that time on.)

http://www.stevepavlina.com/articles/do-it-now.htm

(Again, appealing to college-goers.)

I have a couple of Wikipedia pages on Indian classical music open - something I never thought I'd be interested to know about. It all started with this sudden yearning to listen to some flute music. Tried a dozen videos but didn't get what the feel I was looking for. Rephrased my search phrase to "Indian classical music" and voila!

With a couple of torrents ready to be set active, I'll sign off for now.

Good morning.

And Finally Something Useful...

2011-10-27T02:26:00.003+05:30

Instinct saves the day again. Just a couple of hours back I had an impulsive feeling that I needed to code. As I sat staring blankly at the well-organized collection of songs that I have (after a lot of effort, obviously ;)), an idea struck me and I started coding.

About 15-20 minutes of coding and an hour of thinking of improvements and idling away, I have a crude version of something I didn't get time to think of a name for. I guess I'll just call it another vella app for now. Smallish, illogical after an extent, but keeping the interested interested.

What does it do? Nothing. Just shows you a graphical comparison between the collective size of media of you by different artists. My main motivation was obviously to see RHCP leading. Here's a screenshot of my application in the making(for the technically sound, I refrain from using IDEs because coding from scratch in notepad somehow seems more appealing for vella apps :P):

I guess I'll leave it to whatever's been done so far. Shall work on this later. Right now something's managed to present itself more appealing before me: slumber.

Meanwhile, yesterday's impulsive feeling was about cleaning my room. Err... trying to. Getting stuff in place, to be more precise. So, after months of being asked(at moderate and not so moderate levels of verbal communication) to get myself organized, I finally thought of giving it a try. Sat down at my desk thinking. Built another vella app to manage categories which would contain subcategories and items. This was an attempt to literally count every little article I was supposed to take care of so I could make the computer take care of them for me. It's simple("jaali" would be more appropriate): list everything and then figure out what to do with the list. I had "getting organized" in mind and all that the phrase implies is "creating lists." And when you do give it a casually serious thought, it doesn't turn out to be that dull an idea either. Use your lists to check what's missing, to find what should be where and maybe(later) be told what's to be done to/by/of what. No plants inside my room except for the proverbial one to testify that not a single leaf's been shaken since the great realization dawned upon me, but I guess trying to clean my room wasn't such a bad experience.

Diwali greetings and regards.

Lesson#(x+1)

2011-10-26T01:53:00.000+05:30

Learning more and more about some language doesn't contribute to satisfaction. You may devote years to learning about newer technologies, learning about more powerful languages, about other platforms, etc. but that won't fetch you satisfaction. Satisfaction doesn't lie in knowing more, it lies in implementing the little that you know. I don't know why, despite being in full agreement with this fact months ago, I could not stick to the plan of creating small utility programs every once in a while. I guess it's time to give it another try.

And thus begins the story of another anonymous program to help people keep track of how much mess they've created in their room.

Diwali greetings and regards.

On My Nerves

2011-10-23T00:52:00.000+05:30

Each night I sit contemplating about what people are upto, thinking of what their states were the last time I thought of them, and where they're heading, what estimations of mine about them have turned out to be accurate and to what extent. Each day I experiment with those around me to see if I don't know them enough. After all the crap I've seen in my life and that of those around me, it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks of my actions, so I can experiment with a good deal of flexiblility. Experiments lead to good discoveries. And they're generally self-sustaining, give way to future experiments.

Enough of confusion, fact of the matter now. Each time anyone comes up to me with the topic of love, I feel forced to rethink of my sins from my previous birth. Of all people, I should be the last person any (in its popular perception)sane person should consult when in love. For people thrive on petty emotions and keep creating baseless logic where there technically is none. One of the dumbest things you can waste time doing is trying to explain logic to a person in love, Even worse, try asking them to implement the same. You will never get refusals. They hear you out because they can't think of anything else, they go about doing what they feel like, and get back to you with some new nonsense. I could easily shove each person who tried a second round of consulting, but I don't, or at least so far I haven't, probably because I keep giving myself chances to figure out exactly how everyone from that category of pitiable people can get subjected to the same set of illogical courses. How exactly do they manage to show the same behaviour and state of mind when the illogicality of the cause renders the state to be indeterminate? Someday, I believe, I shall know.

So what is it that makes me raise the issue at this moment? Well, nothing. Just normal contemplation. It's been years of trying to read people, been years of experimenting with my own mind, and it only seems like the beginning. Oh, have I ever fallen in love? Yes, indeed! I have loved that bit of every person I have come across which formed the link between us. I have loved each bit of every person that made me think. I have loved each bit of every person that made me learn something. People generally want what they love. I can't. Because what I love is just a fraction of what exists. I can't make myself accept it as a whole. I have said time and again that I see people as abstracts. I love each person that appears to me as an embodiment of passion, of excellence, of ingenuity, of humility, of beauty or of simplicity.

You can live life in two ways - by lying to the world or by lying to yourself.

You can lie to the world because nobody really cares and nobody really believes, and above all, nobody really matters. You can lie to yourself because your mind realizes the need for retaining integrity. Sometimes you need to lie to yourself just to get rid of apparently hollow obligations that are preventing you from resorting to a particular course of action.

Most people get by without ever realizing they have to make this decision. Those who do can assess what matters more to them by visualizing a course of action based on both courses of actions. Based on what your personality is like, you can estimate what appeals more to you and what's your necessity. There's no right or wrong here. It's just that your being statically resolved in this case makes life much simpler for people around you. They, of course, don't realize this in the first instance, but they for sure feel it's influence.

Mess Is Good If You're Oblivious

2011-10-12T22:42:00.001+05:30

"Chole gecho tate ki" playing in the background, filling the air with a message my heart desperately wishes to convey to some non-existent soul in a parallel universe, waiting for the loyal zephyr to deliver it.

The last two weeks were supposed to be about work. Lots and lots of work that would set my life back on it's original, which, for the reader's knowledge, it had abandoned some four years ago. Every time I feel I can set things right, I set high expectations. Very high. And ever since I found the need to set things right, I've been flunking at pretty much everything. Especially over the last couple of years. Messy life. Add to that this habit of grumbling. When you're new to something, you don't immediately start analysing your responses. (You respond till you realize it doesn't feel right, and then analyse why it doesn't.)

One week into the "vacation," I had done pretty much nothing. Spent the next couple of days wondering exactly why the week that went didn't turn out the way it should have and what was to be done with the remaining time. For one thing, I knew I was happy being aimless (and hence) jobless(for the vacation). Big deviation from the way I felt earlier. This vacation was different. I wasn't free for anything, I wasn't doing anything, and I was happy not thinking about what was going around or what would happen if some job didn't get done or something went wrong. Was a vacation in the truest sense.

Not that I haven't seen long spells of happiness, just that I never really wanted to see them. For some reason that gives me(or at least used to give) a feeling of deviating from the eudaimonia track towards the hedonistic one. Somehow that doesn't go down well with my mind. Or at least it didn't till procrastination stepped in. I mean stepped in and made itself distinctly and shamefully felt.

I don't know what exactly is it that I cannot see. Something somewhere is wrong. And I know some consequences will come up soon. But getting to hear "Chole gecho tate ki," getting to spend two precious weeks at home, doing no work, getting to rest for a major part of many days, getting to talk a little bit, getting to jam after long with encouraging results, getting away from all the thought about people and work and stuff, getting away from the need to maintain seriousness, getting respite from all the pollution, getting respite from everything I needed a break from, and currently enjoying some "Prem baba" magic with little care about getting delayed for college (yet yet yet again) in the morning - well, this is a new feeling. I know I've blinded myself to all work very abruptly, but given the relaxation this period has brought, I guess it was all worth it.

Still a few faces I would have liked to see, still a few chats I'd been looking forward to but could not have, still a few words I've not got the right mindframe to speak, still a lot of work to be done, but all that shall be taken care of. Right now is slumber time.

Regards.

And I Remained The Lael I Was...

2011-09-26T22:33:00.000+05:30

Thousand days, come and gone

Things kept moving on and on

Changing expressions, cause after cause

And I remained the lael I was...

Sounds at a distance in a world unknown

A world so beautiful, yet no one's own

Not one man else for a glance did pause

And I still remained the lael I was...

And they kept walking thinking footprints are real

Knowing not how foul play the sand and the waves

But My world was free from Time and Laws

So I happily remained the lael I always was...

Another Gonecased Front

2011-09-24T23:43:00.002+05:30

As a sophomore having programming as one of the few things that turn me on, I get very excited each time I read about young blood going the startup way. Each time I come across lines describing the familiar scenario of college/schoolmates locking up in a house for hardcore hacking, my eyes light up, my heart beat increases briefly before a certain realization shakes the base of a beautiful dream that had only started conjuring itself up. "Ah, nah, not in my case. No appropriate collaborators. Umm.. Maybe this guy. Maybe them. Nah, need to get ready first. Have to get coding again. Long way to go before jumping in."

The infinite loop I'm bound in starts with bits of ideas that inspire me to code, expands with reading relevant articles while doing the regular research, stagnates with thinking of possible collaborators and requirements and proceeds to the next iteration with the realization that I need to prepare my own self first, that I need to code more, learn more. And the associated realization of a failure each time does no good to the self-esteem of an ambitious student (unfortunately) in an engineering college in West Bengal.

There have been numerous tries, dozens of schedules, time division charts, to-do lists - all in vain. Seems pretty obvious that future thoughts along the same line would be futile as well. What worries me is that in trying to arm myself with a defence shield, I'm compromising my main weapon. The whole concept of 'I must code' has some strange subtle implications. Before getting into that, let me add that for reasons I do not have time to elaborate here, while you're coding, you can and must ONLY code. You can't keep a regular track of the most important blogs for coders. Losing track of the situation around the globe after following it keenly for a good bit of time leaves a void you can't make up for later. It outdates your knowledge. That was one aspect I had fortified over the last year or so. Takes time giving up certain habits.

This festive season would mark possibly my last try at changing the state of affairs before I write it off and go for something that's been more inviting(possibly college studies). If things turn out the way I expect them to, I shall have loads to blog about. If they don't, I shall blog about optimism and why it's not too good for programmers. Of course, coding would receive a continuously subordinated priority. With a few prayers to a power that's been both kind and cruel at the same moment in recent times, I sign off for now.

Happy festive season!

Still Proud Of My Insanity

2011-09-17T19:45:00.000+05:30

A chasm ahead, an abyss behind
A choice to make, a solution to find
"Talk it over and sort it out"
Or "Shed all concern, just fall out?"

"Engineers' Day"

2011-09-15T21:30:00.002+05:30

If all engineers could be worthy enough to deserve their profession, a day as tribute to the beautiful stream would make sense.

Failed Experiment?

2011-09-12T01:46:00.002+05:30

There's a lot that we want to express but cannot. You may find social networking a little too social to be fit for personal expression that is more on the private side(Don't ask my why someone would want to share anything 'private' on a public forum, I'm out of time to explain that the domain of my current subject spans only to the things pertaining to the personal aspect of social incidents of our daily lives). Few updates on Facebook were typed but never shared. Few notes were written but never published. Some blogs remained private and got deleted before being shared. Why so private? It is known by those around me that I generally don't have anything to keep 'private,' whatever it is. As long as something pertains to me alone, I don't mind sharing it with anyone. But when you talk of experiences with the world you live in, those around you feature in the scene as well. When you mention others, you mention them with the view you hold of them. When someone reads them, they see the whole thing in their light. They won't get the sense you want to convey unless you state the perspective you want your readers to take. To avoid the possibility of anyone getting any misconceptions from anything I wrote and to write about those around me at the same time, I thought of using an encrypted diary. People who generally access my computer or my accounts either don't like programming or simply don't know it. So I thought an encrypted diary would serve as a convenient dump for emotions, feelings and regular responses that effectively do not count. A status like "That wasn't well done on your part." on Facebook, while giving a small insight into what the one posting it wants to convey, emphasizes in a far clearer manner that the one posting it cannot share the actual subject publicly(for whatever reason). The bit of information that is abstracted is always the bit that adds sense to illogical posts like the one above(something everyone is now tired of). It is an estimate of the user's insecurity. Why they do share it despite knowing the fact(albeit without realizing the same) is because there is this basic instinct of expressing any grievances or feelings before those around you.

I am a loner. Though I find myself at ease with company I like, the real bit of existence that I consider as my 'world'(or at least 90 percent of it) resides inside my head. As such, if I were to get any bouts of sharing any feeling of mine, sharing it with the rest of myself(say, with a note on my hard drive or something like it) would suffice for me, would give the same bit of satisfaction as sharing it with other people. Keeping it inside my head wouldn't. I'd need to share things, definitely, be it with myself alone.

Considering all that, I'd started this system of writing a random diary(encrypted). It used to take inputs from the command line itself, by means of a batch file. It stored the time tags automatically with each update. It was like a system of status updates on a wall only you could see(Trust me, it didn't seem as reclusive when I created it as it seems at the moment). So I now had a platform where I could write about anything I felt and write about it in an open manner. I could write about love, about hate, about feeling good, about feeling bad, about something I'd have liked to see happening, about something I'd not want to take place and so on. More than anything I wanted to add names into the equation. Write posts that would be addressed directly to those concerned. The first few days of usage seemed like I was alpha testing a software. Very soon I started getting comfortable with my new software, but I was still not using names. The posts were still just like other updates on Facebook and stuff, only they were encrypted when stored. After a couple of months, I stopped using LiveDiary. I stumbled upon the program directory today and this thought struck me: Why could I not write about people (addressing them directly) even when there was no problem of insecurity of any sort in this scenario(I'll explain the whole thing behind insecurity sometime later)? I was convinced that no one would be accessing the files, let alone decrypting or reading them. A bit of thought led me back to something I'd stated myself and helped verify another belief. I have always said people exist only as ideas in my mind. For me any person is equivalent to my perception of the person, the idea I hold about the person. As such, the person moves along with me wherever I go. It's all in the head. I can write only as much about X as I would tell him/her face to face. I don't know how the whole mechanism works or if it works for everyone or why it works for those for whom it works(what I do know is that this sentence could have been shortened to sound simpler and more sane).

This goes on to add to the unwritten list of theories that proved some other theory right in contradicting their own selves. Each time it happens I feel a little more enriched. Each time it happens I feel kind of good. I get a feeling I'll love myself when I get old, basing my love on some theory which states my humble self to be a wise old man...

Seriously Wrong

2011-09-09T02:08:00.002+05:30

I'm a 19 year old pursuing a bachelor's in Information Technology in a 'decent' engineering college.

I was a decent student in my school days, somewhere in the above average category. I used to like almost all subjects and had a special liking(and understanding) for Science subjects, and towards the later part, a capability for understanding Computers. I was inclined towards gaining as much knowledge as possible. And I didn't mind working hard. I wished to get into research someday. Wanted to create something innovative. Wanted to be the best in some field of Science.

Coming to the eleventh standard, being uninformed found me making some very bad decisions. Joining coaching classes for preparing for joint entrance examinations was a bad decision(I am usually better of studying all by myself, or at least was). Assuming that the drop in scores back at school was natural was a bad decision. Anyway, very soon I was in the middle of nowhere. I shared classrooms with people doing excellently and with people doing other things excellently. But there was something very distinct: throughout the entire course of two years, I could never feel I knew what was happening around me, and how I was supposed to respond, let alone how I was supposed to study. The attempts to study all went in vain, every next day became a story of pain. Very soon I exhausted all my 'will to study' and 'thirst to do better.' The only thing I could do was code a little better than the average level of my batch. Even that couldn't last long since there was no time for coding. In other words, I was in a mess. All my life I had feared settling for mediocrity and this period did just that to me. Dropped me into a jinx of mediocrity I haven't managed to break till date. Of course, I was always convinced I had the 'potential to do excellently' and if luck helped, I could really do great. I was a blind optimist. Am. Of course, the world really doesn't have anything in store for blind optimists, but i had no other philosophy to stick to. So, when entrances neared, I relied on my blind optimism to scrape through.

After two years of insane google searches for the best engineering colleges in the world, best engineering colleges in India and everything else I could find relevant, I ended up in a college that claims to be the best private engineering college in the state of West Bengal(a claim I can't yet approve of). Nothing close to where I'd expected myself to be 'had I got anything right when it mattered.' Even the field was something I'd thought I'd never settle for. My 'compromise' was based on the premises that CSE and IT had the same subjects involved, that my college was a college I shouldn't leave for any other and that I believed it was more important to have personal merit than to have CSE as your stream(and I assumed personal merit would be accumulated as I code).

I was now in a college and had high hopes to code madly, learn more about computers, have some geeks around to work with and learn from, 'collaborate'(I made a lot of hue and cry around this word) and possibly have a startup going as early as possible. That was one time I was madly into reading blogs and tech write-ups. I was also coding actively, learning more about web technolgies, about companies and about procedures. I had quit watching television already. Entertainment was derived from 'addas'(hangouts) with whichever circle of my friends was free at a convenient time. A little bit of music helped. I believed blog reading would help me create a strong base in the field. I believed I'd come across people with similar frequencies in college(people who'd be into coding and blogging, non-partying and all that stuff). All in all I had(based on where I stand today) very high hopes.

The first transaction of disappointment was when we were intimated with our syllabus. First year engineering syllabus included no computer subjects(except a slight bit of something like C in the second semester). I do not have any disregard for any subject, but almost everything that was there seemed very wrong in some way or the other. Whatever could have been interesting was turned into a mundane experience by some specific factor every time, either because of the class' reception of it, or because of the teacher, or because of the limitations of the course(the chapters included or excluded). Most of the time was spent copying down reports from some random guy before the labs began.

Slightly over one year from that point of high hopes, I am yet to come across the prototypes I'd anticipated to meet. I don't even look forward to it anymore. After about six to seven months of religious following, I quit following the blogs I used to follow. It became apparent that after a certain point, reading more about new startups and technologies was doing more harm than good. Initially I used to feel motivated, since I thought 'a little bit of work and I'll be capable of doing all that.' As it became clear that 'little bit of work' was a herculean task to get done considering the schedule that had forced itself upon me(college took away all the time, travelling mainly). I decided to get back to the work once I had learned some coding(web design mainly). My visits to those good old blogs have become very rare since then. Couldn't get myself learning anything considerable either.

'Addas' went on well for a long time, but soon everyone became busy and the obvious(bitter) reality that everyone was busy and had their personal lives engraved itself onto my mind. It becomes clear to everyone that at this age, everyone needs more space. It should be offered graciously.

Coming back to academics, studies gradually became a story of excuses and hollow resolutions. Since(for different reasons) no subject could generate any sort of interest, I couldn't get myself to study. Last minute attempts at learning up just enough to scrape through dictated the trend. By this time I was too tired of this routine and had decided that things can't go on this way for the remainder of the course. So, when I was suspended for a hollow reason, I put the proposition of quitting college before my parents for the first time in a serious manner. Now, my parents usually back me up for everything, regardless of how risky it is. If I tell them I'm sure of something, they'd permit me for anything. That's something I can never repay them for. But this time they(probably rightly, I'm yet to know) intervened and initially behaved as if they thought I was joking. When I kept coming back to the same point, they stated it would be 'safe' to have a degree and then go around 'experimenting.' I understood I needed something concrete to convince them for this.

Meanwhile, few things became very clear. I'd waited for the second year to commence, thinking I'd get to study interesting subjects, would study and learn new things, would get the sort of college life I'd wanted. One of the first things people learn on joining our college is that hopes are meant to be crushed. Things started off well, with the subjects seeming nice. But again, there's this strange pattern of distributing topics between teachers and semesters that makes a mess out of any course. And the students are all after grades. Most of them don't care if they can't tell between a bit and byte as long as they can manage to score good grades by any sort of means. Add to that the importance that teachers add to these 'hard-earned' grades. For them it is least important if you care about a subject as long as you score well in it. It's highly disheartening.

The repeated cry about 'jobs' bugs me even more. People talk as if all they're there in the college for is a job. Somehow the teachers' dealing with the students only goes on to supplement this proposition. The college seems to have just one thing to care about: jobs for the students. Correction: a hundred percent placement record for itself. The punishment for almost all sorts of mistakes(read 'crimes' in my college) culminates in a 'letter stating that you won't seek job assistance from the college.' The college is a victim to its own system. It is illogical and mechanical in the application of its rules. A guy who'd been busy going places, attending seminars and submitting research papers was disallowed from sitting for his midsemesters(internals) because of poor attendance. He was one of the more prepared students to appear for the exams. People with more or less decent attendance are 'charged' with bunking and those who don't appear at all are left in peace because no one has the time to poke them individually. "If the prey walks up to you on its own, you're free to devour it. If it doesn't, you stay hungry." Double standards are easy to spot in the administration of the college. And regardless of everything, 'you're an asset to the college' if the college has some seminar or fest coming up which needs an audience.

Tired of all the drama, I've decided to put everything to a halt and figure some way out. The only thing that has gone more or less right is learning guitar. That is the only thing for which I can say I've grown from where I was one year prior to this day.

College fests have been a turn off since I came face to face with the dirty politics that goes on even in so-called good institutions. I coded on SPOJ for sometime(about a month) before giving up. Programming is all Maths. Maths had never been my forte in high school(of course, you don't apply high school Maths here, but it counts, you know, for the morale). If I need to code well, I'll need to be some Pure Maths freak. That throws me out of the future league of good programmers.

With the way things scheduled themselves and the way my time was abused by others, it was easy to assert that blogging on a regular basis isn't possible for me. Learning guitar at any decent pace wasn't possible for the same reason. That basically meant I had nothing significant left to do. So I decided to get rid of everything(that was keeping me busy) I was doing so I could think a little clearly.

So I did. Just to get in touch with my reality once again. And finally enjoyed a day I'd wanted as a typical day in my life before college had started. Few comedy videos, some blogs, bit of a hangout, lots of inspiration. The instinct of getting inspired by excellence dies hard. A post titled 'Donald Knuth: Love At First Byte' brought in a huge bout of reassurance today. I guess it's still not too late. Over the last couple of weeks, I decided to take things a little slowly. Should help balancing college and outside life.

Though I'm out of time at the moment, the college issue hasn't been resolved yet. I'll take that up again in a future post. This one was just to share what the first year had to offer(on the academic front).

2011-09-05T17:14:00.002+05:30

"Like I said, you know I'm almost dead, you know I'm almost gone
And then the boatman comes to ferry me away to where we all belong"

Uh Uh.. Don't Mess Around

2011-08-29T01:37:00.001+05:30

Blogging after a long time. This post doesn't continue from the previous one. It's essentially directed towards undoing it.

The last few weeks have been different from a variety of perspectives. Pretty much everything's been very routine and yet been disallowed from boring me out of monotony. I used to wonder if it was possible. If there were any side effects. I guess my Research has gone a little further.

The last month or so has been about leg-pulling, 'la-lawing,' desperate ornithology, thoughtless blabber and callousness that has never been exhibited before in the smallish domains that my life is a part of. I've been laughing almost constantly, never been thoughtful and never been serious(except for Indira Gandhian business, Orange Purnima and Brazil and the likes). Add to that the fact that nothing went particularly wrong in the entire period, and you have a set of experiences that fulfill all criteria to be conceived as a part of my life.

Hold on. This markedly different period started off on a distinctly different note. All part of some plan(courtesy: the Thatish Me). A hollow life on trial basis. The faces around me didn't change, the things that happened didn't change. How they happened and what impact they left on me changed. How I perceived them changed. How I responded and how long I thought over them changed.

For the better or worse, who knows? I have reasons to justify the the answer doesn't matter at this stage. I'm here for a job, and everything that happens takes me further in my study. Over the last month, I've seen other sides of people, verified theorems on people, experimented like hell without anyone knowing. Earlier, I'd keep myself from anything that'd(in my opinion) hamper other's 'normal' courses of life(in the manner I perceived them). That last line has quite a few citations so according to some new theory I don't have time to write, I'll ignore all of them. These days I wouldn't(read shouldn't) care about it because a clause stating 'something would have happened anyway' would be added somewhere along the course of events. A certain theory had to be assumed false just to figure out if certain propositions I'd essentially discarded initially were true. Indeed they were.

It was nice being in a better position to see people. I see people are all normal. All people are just...just people. 'People' as I'd perceived so long was a fictitious concept. Baseless. A person is basically what you perceive of him or her. "It's not who you are underneath but what you do that defines you." was rightly said.

I've made it clear that I'm walking a lone journey. I have nothing to give to or take from anyone. It disappoints me and makes me pity people when they try hiding their insecurities in silly manners or when people take advantage of others' insecurities with unjustified intent. Despite having made it clear that I love it best when matters are thrown directly at my face without any sugar coating and clause-hiding, I'm never told the right thing at the right time. And now it's time I stopped being tolerant with it.

I like it best to live every short patch of time with anyone like a short story. Three minutes at a time before moving over to the next page. Every page ending on a happy note. Nothing carried over to the next page. Every page a separate story. The way the world has changed me, I can't allow ANYONE to last any longer. My initial core is long gone into its shell. I do have a face. It's hollow. There's stories inside. Loads of them. And I don't know what to do with them. Forget them, I can only try to. Ignore them, I can. Share them, I have none dependable enough to with.

I guess I'll have to write out a few stories now. Need to figure out how.
For now it will be some more Frusciante and then some slumber.

One of Those Flaws...(And an unanticipated return)

2011-06-29T02:00:00.003+05:30

As I've mentioned earlier, I used to create my own theories regarding things and over time my views adjusted themselves and everything seemed to fit into the scope of my theories.
As times changed, I started feeling uneasy after a point of time. And I did not know why. Normally, it's not a bad situation that pwns me, it's the inability to comprehend the same. I was being pwned real bad.
As time passed, I got myself used to whatever was going on(without understanding it). I believe my theories had some fundamental problems, problems of a nature I could not precisely understand back then. I believe I still can't, but I feel I understand them at least better than before.
Today, while reading an article relating to organization of a general system, I stumbled upon something that didn't pass on well with me right at the moment I read it. Here's the article(written about three years back):

"Every action has a cause. Each such cause is born out of the impact of a certain event. Every event is in turn a junction of actions of different elements/components of the system.
Every system has components/sub-systems and each component is a system itself. Hence, it can be deduced that the fundamental system is one with no sub-systems. Such a system cannot possess attributes but only behaviour. This is similar to the concept of “abstract class” or “interface” in Object-Oriented Programming. However, the only difference is that abstract classes have the scope of having private variables (attributes) but fundamental systems cannot possess attributes.
It might be difficult to understand the structure and functioning of such a system but it lies at the very basis of organisation. With multiple sub-systems in the same system, the concept of components comes in. When two or more components are brought together in a system, interactions take place between them and linkages are formed over a definite period of time. Thus, primary attributes are gained at the secondary level of organisation, when components interact. Another important conclusion that can be drawn from this point is that at each stage of organisation, components evolve as more and more attributes are associated with them.
Over time, these linkages form deeper roots as the response/behaviour of one component in a certain situation may affect another component which may not be related to it directly, but through one component or a series of components. When the matter of one component affecting another is observed, it must be essential that the “change” which a certain component ‘A’ is going to bring about in another component ‘B’ is not “absorbed” by the components forming the link between ‘A’ and ‘B’.
By applying this theory in a given system, one can draw conclusions that hold their authenticity under any given situation. This process can provide an analytical approach to study and debug the functioning of any system. This is not restricted to physical systems; it stands true even for psychological or metaphysical systems- for example, the system of thoughts, emotions, etc. Thus, by defining the fundamental units of any system and considering all aspects of their behaviour, their evolution through the levels of organisation can also be traced, which can help predict the entire structure and behaviour of the higher levels of organisation."

The emphasised part is what created the confusion. It is trivial - behaviour is defined on the basis of the state of the attributes of an element. It was probably lack of focus or sufficient thought that led to the mistake. Anyway, I guess I'll find more problems with the other theories in case I ever come across them again. My point is that I'll need to rephrase all clauses of my life since the point I started heeding these figments of my imagination(satirically veiled as 'intellect').

But I guess it won't be as bad as it seems. I'd been thinking of dropping this entire cacoethes scribendi drama for the last couple of days. And I had reasons. But I guess now I have a bigger reason to stay. Somehow I smell something called 'Feelosophy' smirking behind all this. Doesn't sound comforting because of what it is, but does sound reassuring because of its familiarity.

#Lessons

2011-06-21T19:01:00.000+05:30

For almost a year now I've been grumbling (in a manner I never exhibited earlier) about not getting any collaborators for all the ventures I'd planned. Everytime everyone seemed to have some sort of a problem, or simply a lack of interest. Ideas are best when they keep flowing. If your ideas are bottled up in your head your creativity will suffocate to death. As someone who fancies himself as an art-lover and understands this simple fact, I was very disappointed with my state. But I felt helpless about it. People around me are highly capable, skillful and all that, but have different interests. There was this period when I had done sufficient research to get a decent idea of where I wanted to go with regard to the aforementioned "ideas." All I wanted were some collaborators to work with. Fate is a shameless assassin of hope. All I could manage was a little bit of sympathy and hollow hopes. Now I know I was looking the wrong way.

Over a huge portion of the year that passed I was trying to get accustomed to the new environment and see if I could spot some minds with matching frequencies around me. In doing that I lost out on time I could have spent working on my ideas. But it was worth a try anyway. Learnt a few lessons about people. People, as in human beings, don't exist these days.

After seeing numerous shades of the colourful personalities that flitted past the reel of my life in that period, my frustrated self finally admitted that the scenario it wanted to create was more than Utopian relative to the scenario that persisted in my reality. But once the possibility ended, the struggle to make it come true ceased to make sense. In a way, I was freed. Of obligations. Mainly to myself, or so I thought. But in my efforts certain obligations towards others had disguised and associated themselves with my routine. Now they were gone. That made things seem real different.

Since then I've been working alone without being haunted by the thoughts of not having co-workers or collaborators. I do feel disappointed that a lot couldn't be done, but I've concrete reasons to back that up. No psychological stress there. The elevated feeling was miraculous. More than just constantly refreshing for the initial few days. I realized I had enough work to keep me busy all day and I really didn't need to heed a lot of drama that was eating up my RAM unnecessarily. Life's been a learning experience in the academic sense(for a welcome change) since then.

Then came a time when I thought I was armed enough to call for support in the right manner, eliminating certain elements(in the call) that would create more problems than they would solve. Things seemed to work well but it didn't take time to realize I wasn't really prepared. My bad. But I didn't have to give up on anything this time. I've been working on ideas, and, by the Almighty's grace, have been doing well.

Another fear that had crept in a few weeks back was the lack of proper direction. Since there were too many things I was trying to chase and it practically wasn't feasible(even if possible) to go after them all, I usually ended up thinking I'd gained much less than I potentially could. But victories have a strange sense of joy and assurance associated with them. One victory is bound to spark hope for another. And it applies for low-level (proclaimed) psychological battles as well. Over time, time started seeming slower. I found myself more at ease in dealing with whatever I came across. And the trend is continuing. Although it should be noted that such indicators do not imply that one can afford to relax at any stage. It's just that one learns how to deal with large volumes once his priorities orient themselves in the correct manner. Correct here implies that which sets things right, and that can only be found experimentally. You keep trying different combinations until one clicks. The rest takes care of itself.

Though I'm still oblivious to most of the lessons I've been taught, the last one that comes to mind at the moment is: 'self-assurance.' No one ever knows for sure what's coming next. Since what's coming next is undecided till it actually comes, anyone claiming to know what's coming next is only demonstrating a bit of the fear he/she nurtures which makes him/her stick to unverified beliefs. But many times fears are necessary. They are unavoidable. You must remember to remind yourself that everything will be fine. Speak it out loud to yourself. Get it engraved inside your head. It boosts up confidence like anything. Makes days seem brighter. You have to deal with anything that comes your way. Why not be positive about what's next? If something does go wrong, correct it. Work to get it right. Be positive about it. It induces hope, which, they say, is a good thing - probably the best of things. Although that was said when 'human beings' still existed, it's still relevant because each time you talk to yourself, you have to make an exception and consider yourself human to proceed.

"Hi, this is me, and I'm doing great!"

2011-05-26T22:52:00.001+05:30

"
***Welcome to LiveDiary***
ssup?

"

I don't know why unplanned ventures seem to be not just my biggest, but also my only successes. Computers being the next exam gives a huge bit of relief(not because I am done studying, just because I don't quite know what to study [and sadly know enough to scrape through]). So, this afternoon buzzed "LiveDiary" in my mind and I set myself to the task without delay. It's always nice working with Java(that's because I don't know any other language). I'd been planning to write some sort of an encrypted diary writing software for quite a long time(It's all those things you don't want to say that make you think of such things, but in my case, it was also for some personal satisfaction). Guess what, I've finally got my diary writing software working.

As always, it will always be under construction. The best part is, it hasn't been encrypted yet. But it's up alright. I'll continue using it for now and will remove the bugs and add features in the coming week. By the way, the message above is what LiveDiary displays when you login first. Did I just say login? I meant when you run it. (But I guess password security won't be too bad a feature to have after all.) And the title was my first note. Hope to continue doing fine in the coming days as well. I don't think anyone who doesn't particularly like black screens would stick around for over a minute, let around actually use the software. But since it's something only I am going to use(at least for now), I find it cool. Gives me the feel of writing notes the way I am used to. Better still, gives me the feel of writing notes that contain real information. And I can also write crap I don't want to share in public. By the way, all messages are stored with timestamps. I forgot to mention that was the main reason why I decided to code this. Simple codes obviously, these days I'm solely after creating software that can be used as opposed to trying things out just for learning new concepts.

Hope to keep getting ideas and making them real.

"
exit
C ya!
"

New Social Code

2011-05-26T01:59:00.004+05:30

I've always liked making friends. I've always liked knowing people closer. But I doubt if it's the same with everyone. While I find it a very enriching experience, I guess most others have more practical priorities.

I'm not new to seeing a close friend suddenly changing their behaviour. It first appears as a chance incident. And over time, you find it's becoming routine. And before long, you're taken for granted at various steps. When you do complain, you become the originator of the quarrel.

Another thing I've done is not trying to hold anyone back. If I've felt being descended down the priority list of anyone I consider close, I've taken it that the person concerned holds a conscience good enough to judge that it is important and, respecting the same, I've gladly and silently taken the step down and stopped poking my nose into their business. It's easy for someone to remark, "Mind your own business," without thinking how the listener would perceive it, but it means a lot when it comes to you from people you value.

There was a time I used to feel guilty each time anything of this nature happened. But over time I've seen the shallowness with which people treat other people and the extent to which well-wishing is taken for granted. As a result, I've started taking this more as a routine. People find you interesting today, they stick around and give you the false impression of being special and valued. Tomorrow they land upon someone who serves them an extra penny, you're dumped like you never existed. This give and take(in precise measurements) approach in relationships annoys me. Somehow it portrays all people as excessively high-headed and selfish. You cannot ask too much from the world, but is it bad to look forward to a simple smile when you look at someone you sort of know exists?

That takes me back a couple of years when I asked MM something on similar tracks. Her reply then was what I realize now. You really can't expect even that tiny little thing. Because it only seems tiny little to you. The people concerned might have other ways of looking at it. Of course, another mindset tells me it would contradict my own point if they were to return those smiles because they've already been labelled as people who have more practical priorities.

All this mess finally got the socializing bug out of me. I don't look forward t meeting new people anymore. I don't feel like exchanging the extra handshakes or hi-hellos I used to earlier. And I find it satisfying to ignore the existence of people who I deem have problems with mine. Doesn't seem good enough to be called a code of conduct? Well, it's not. It's only a choice you make out of being a quintessential good guy and securing your mental integrity.

What I Can Do

2011-05-26T01:29:00.001+05:30

(In case you're looking for an article which highlights how you can contribute to your society or all that stuff, you're in the wrong place. This one's just about my observations of my life.)

There's a lot around me that I deem needs to be done, need to be changed, or needs to be stopped. Inside my head, I keep grumbling on everyone who appears to be associated with the subjects under consideration. But I realize it's really not of much use.

My initial conclusion was that I needed to do all the work that I think they should be doing(to get it done the way I want). That, of course, was a real messy thought. Before I could picture myself having completed any task, my mind would already be clogged with a thousand worries and minor problems. That's bound to happen if fishermen go creating software.

Fishermen must fish. Software developers should develop software.

But fishermen can bring home fish that can serve the tummies of software developers.

I guess I was taking the wrong approach to things. What I needed to do was contribute the way I can, the way I would be most comfortable doing. For myself, I can talk. I can relate to people if they're sincere towards me. As long as I'm fed truths, they'll only evoke empathy. When in flow, I can motivate and perhaps inspire. I realized that I needed to keep in mind not to lose that flow. Since then, each time I've reminded myself of that in the middle of a conversation, the flow of events has only taken a positive turn. I believe it will start coming naturally to me over time. It makes getting things done much easier and thinking of solutions much cleaner and hence much more efficient.

So, in case you have been trying a little too hard to get things done but aren't hitting much success, take a breath and see if you're trying to be someone else.

Regards.

Guess He Was Right, This Is Indeed Some Life...

2011-05-18T01:23:00.004+05:30

Just a couple of days back, I had a chat with a friend after a long time. After preliminary topics, we happened to share our routines. He said he had too many tuitions to deal with and had a fully packed weekly schedule. I remember responding, "Right now, I would do anything to get a schedule like that."
Then I went on to narrate my routine and was met with a "that's some life" sort of response.
"I don't know. It doesn't feel as good doing as it sounds when typed."

You say things and they sometimes stick to your mind. That happens when you're not sure about what you've said. That could mean you're either lying or giving a view that's been only partially realised by you. In other words, you're unsure of yourself. Now, when that happens with anyone who doesn't mind giving everything a thought, the thought sticks around unusually long. You go about your life normally, but any chance occurrence can get you back to that thought and either consolidate or contradict your statement. In either case, it clarifies your personal view.

Something similar happened while I continued walking through the gallery of my life. Took only a couple of days to realize he was probably right. I looked at the lives of others else around me - the complications they impose upon themselves that they could have done away with, the choices they make that I find totally useless(I admit everyone has their own needs), the things they don't do but should have done, the things they don't see, the things they don't want to see, etc. When we assess the happiness or the niceties of the lives of people around us, we often tend to adopt a view different from the one we use to assess the positives that come our way. We take too much for granted and assume that this guy's life's a lot more so and so because he has everything settled and has this positive or that support, etc. If we put ourselves in their shoes and perform the same analysis again, we'll find our lives much more comforting. We are bound to think of our life even if we don't intend to. Suddenly all the problems we have and all the not so distinct positives we enjoy in our daily life pop up. There's a sudden rush of contentment through the whole mind. Sometimes it's difficult to control getting high. You end up doing stupid stuff, but, of course, don't mind it because you probably have enough to be happy about.

So, another look at my schedule to support my view further. There's a guitar lying just behind my seat, so I can start playing within 3 seconds of planning on it. There's 24*7 internet before me. Loads to read and write and communicate. I like programming and find it much more relieving than being in a crowded social scenario trying to decipher what's going on in everyone's mind. I have all tools in front of me. I can stay up all night when I plan on programming. Of all my companions, I have the maximum number of addas. I can have tea anytime I want. I get to interact with nice people on nice topics. I get nice insights from people I'd have no second thoughts on calling the better minds of my generation. And I am confident I know enough to be able to judge what path will lead me to the destination I seek. And each passing day makes me one bit more capable in walking that path. And there's loads of shortcomings I find everywhere that I can keep myself busy with resolving for the rest of my life. That makes it a complete package to balance happiness and botheration. Frankly speaking, I wouldn't be able to find a better lifestyle even if I tried. But I wouldn't be praising it for too long, because saturated self-contentment makes me way too lazy. I preach getting alcoholic about things you like. And, by God's grace, I get to do so. I'm glad I can make my own decisions and can voice my opinion where I find necessary. That basically resolves pretty much everything I could concern myself with regarding my life. Wait, one topic still left out. I also don't have to waste time thinking of relationships and stuff because I'm now comfortably into the mindset of being the geek(though I am not a geek) that would forget "women" soon as he reads "hack-." Of course, "women" here would refer to relationships and girlfriends in popular culture. The thought might seem scary coming at my age, but I believe that's how I move. Everyone has his or her own requirements. So do I.

This really wasn't supposed to be this long a post, but I guess when you're very content or very annoyed, you don't feel like stopping. I would end this with a lesson I learned only recently, and which I need to be refreshing myself with every few weeks. Life's not all about changing for the better. Be very economic with your changes. Avoid change where possible. Incorporate it with good judgement where necessary. Keep things simple. Sometimes all of life's happiness lies in realizing you don't have any of the woes that keep everyone else constantly bothered.

Them Sweet Creatures...

2011-05-14T00:10:00.003+05:30

I've wanted to express chance remarks on womankind numerous times. It's just that it doesn't make up enough content to span the size of a sizeable post. Anyway, this is to compliment their sweetness again.
I was talking to a sis of mine who'd just posted some depressing status update and, on my asking the reason, had asked me to come online. I'd known women to be desirous of speaking out and relieving their hearts' burden. I'd known that men understand it and women understand men understand it. And I'd known women understand this aspect of their personality as well. And I'd known equally well that they don't acknowledge it despite understanding it. What I didn't know(and it's the same case with me for almost all aspects of their species) was how serious are they when they give a hint at their desire to be heard, knowing very well it is fully a (well, technically) non-interfering and non-impacting process. My observation says, they aren't very serious. Most of the time, they disregard it themselves. That makes it likely that men have an unspoken right to do the same. Technically, that should work for all of humankind. But, hey, we all know why Womunkind exists, don't we? Men are not even permitted to think they can take a woman's "getting heard" for granted.
Over a period of strenuous observation, I've evolved a habit of not interfering with this process to find out other parameters, because it invariably leads to messy situations you can't rely solely on logic to evade.

Well, this is how today's conversation started:

Me (i thought this lady was seriously depressed) : ki hoya?!
[what happened?!]

Her : ruko copy-paste karti hu :P
[hold on, lemme copy-paste :P]

I believe that's sufficient to supplement my point.

After a series of events she narrated(all of which, I must admit, stood on firm grounds to back her status update), I sympathised:

Me : aww
sahi mein not ur day :P
kisi dost ko nahi bol sakte they?

[aww
really not ur day :P
why didn't you ask a friend?(to help)]
Her : ruko abhi khatam nhi hua :(

[wait, I'm not done yet :(]

And she didn't have much to say after the convo was over, but, hey, her objective had been accomplished.

I used to find it real hard to understand the significance of such behaviour. But over time, I realized it's just one of the things that - I wouldn't say differentiates men and women, but - makes women special. Somewhat sweeter. I know that would have made more sense coming from someone who'd been into stuff like girlfriends and relationships, etc. But I had to share this. What if I'm not a woman (which, with all the problems I already nurture, I don't have the least interested to be) I need to be heard as well!

That would have been a better ending note, but I realize this was another point I had to make, somewhat in support of women(not that I was hurling accusations earlier on, I dare not). It is very much human to want to be heard, to speak out, just for the sake of speaking out, just to get that feeling of not being all alone during the rough times. It's just that women find themselves more at ease while going about that. (And they have the right tools in case men don't comply - you're right - tears and that characteristic drama[women kindly ignore this part]). Anyway, it's all good as long as it's someone you care for at the other end. After all, we are all human.

That reminds me of numerous instances when even animals and inanimate objects were made to suffer the same procedures without their opinions being taken, but I guess I'll end it here.

Ouch!

2011-05-09T00:51:00.004+05:30

Ants-in-pants programming enthusiast falls hard: This is gonna take long.

Every few minutes(or, occasionally, hours) my eyes rest upon some random name I've come across hundreds of times and it's like I just got into a relationship and before even deciding upon the ToS, I admittedly fell for another beauty. No wonder I can't program.(And no wonder I'm single :P)

I've really given a lot of thought to this non-committing attitude of mine towards serious work. But somewhere down the line I know that I'll only learn as long as I feed in this routine. Going after just one thing for a prolonged period of time just isn't my thing. I know any professional guys (or even sober teens who know what it takes ot be pros) reading this would have their eyebrows raised but over a matter of years, I've observed that getting into any sort of discipline for an overtly long period of time is simply out of my domain. Take this for an example : I started the day off thinking I'll pick up some PHP and perhaps some MySQL as well and perhaps apply all that somewhere and perhaps decide upon some comprehensive project and possibly get working. Well, it went well for some part. But soon as I thought I'd had enough of PHP and MySQL for the day and my namesake practice implementation was done (to the minimal level of enforced satisfaction) I switched over to Python, just to get some "idea." And while getting that "some idea" I stumbled upon CodeIgniter, Django, Mongo and stuff like that which I'd only heard about(as in, from others - never really "researched" upon them personally). I'd been eying Perl for a while(few hours) as well. Well, given the pre-existent complexity of terms in the line of "eying" used already, "eying" here means setting myself to set myself to go about "researching" on that stuff. With all this happening while I should only be focussing on C and C++ at max, I don't think I'm going anywhere in anything. Oh, and poor old Java looks helplessly as my Client-Server implementation goes untested even two days after coding.

Once my eyes get themselves set on something, my mind loses track of what I'm currently occupied with. If I'm doing some Python stuff and suddenly stumble upon something that makes my mind say "Perl"(or anything that I don't know), I should probably quit work and go off to sleep because it's useless trying to continue with Python - since Perl gets the higher priority now, and it's equally futile venturing after Perl - since I myself know it's only a passing phase of excessive and impulsive(and perhaps obsessive) enthusiasm and interest.
Once I struggle through the early bit of the learning i.e. when I'm fit to learn the language in the actual essence, the cycle will begin again - same old "new love" story.

While this sort of an approach could have worked with a finite number of partners(languages in this case)[reminds me of time-sharing], it's incomprehensive, untechnical and way too illogical going after this sort of an approach just because of the fact that there are demigods who send their entire lifetime bringing the same language up.

I must, here, bring to notice that I do understand and appreciate(and would have felt) the sense of pride and satisfaction one gets while bringing that one thing up over a number of years, dedicating oneself wholeheartedly to just one thing (and thus enhancing one's chances of succeeding/excelling at it), there's this entire self inside of me that simply won't change its protocols just to incorporate such logic. There are emotions, agreed, but there are protocols that were formed before the emotions were realized. In short, I know what my problem is and I know what the solution is(yes, I do) but I don't foresee myself taking that pathway and getting myself solved.

I now realize why they speak all that crap about marriages. They're probably right.

Another problem is that I can't bring myself to "utilize" APIs and Frameworks. Regardless of what I am coding, I like doing everything anew, from scratch. Gets me speedy at basic syntax(one of the main reasons why I stick to it) and gives me an enriching sense of pride and attachment. I'd tried working with simple APIs back when I started learning Java. As it turned out, I found absolutely no use of it(except delaying me by taking an eternity to start up) in what I was doing. What I wanted were simple implementations of simple ideas, just a basic concept-building experience(and just sometimes an actual work experience). I came across an article on Hacker News this morning which literally spoke my heart out. It had always bugged me to think I would never be able to create effective outputs as long as I didn't do something about my dislike for APIs and frameworks. But recent lessons tell me I was wrong in assessing them. I realized I had a lot of respect for them and had a desperate desire to code with them - the only shortcoming was(and is) that I have a long long way to go before I find them handy. As of now I shouldn't bother myself about them simply because there's nothing particularly useful to be found there for me.

Bottomline : I don't see myself turning away from black-screen coding and coding from scratch in the imminent future.

People And Crap

2011-05-04T20:04:00.000+05:30

The last few weeks have been about trying to be strong, about trying to see things a little clearly.
They've been about getting a few things in place, about holding on and about letting go.
They've been about learning new things, trying to forget and trying to ignore the general rubbish, some of which used to seem important earlier.
They've been about removing the masks I'd placed on people's faces just to make their actions seem a little more jusified, just to make them seem better.
They've been about holding back things I would have, normally, spoken a lot about.
They've been about realising certain truths about my life, about digesting facts about people around me.
They've been about realising where I actually belong and about figuring out who and what I need.
They've been about focussing on those needs and getting my view of my company, as I would like, clear.
They've been about unnumbing myself to experiences that feel bad, to prevent future occurrences of misplaced trust and future wishes of camaraderie in the wrong places.
They've been about closing down to crap.
They've been about getting more realistic about my goals.
They've been about taking a disregard to modest first approaches.
They've been about realizing who deserves what.
They've been about researches, about silence, about passions, and lastly, about Sheldon Cooper.

Simply put, there have been some changes. Time shall make them clearer. Though I'm quite happy with the proceedings so far, there's a lot more stocked up.
And, oh, did I say I - aah, let's leave that for later...

Happy Remembrance

2011-04-27T14:39:00.001+05:30

I look at these pages(currently in JKJ's scrapbook) and I feel a lot has changed. What just drifted into the past wasn't simply a mode of communication with friends and familiar strangers alike, it was much more than that, it was a complete lifestyle. You could see genuine bonds there, could see the best coming out of people, could see everyone's claim to their individuality. Could see how the platform allowed them channelize their intellectual resources in an unprecented manner. Their ability, way of dealing with people, iced with their distinctive and unmatched styles made them some of the most charismatic colourful characters I ever came across. Sometimes I wonder what they might be doing these days, where they might be, how they might be looking, what sort of people they might be having around and most importantly, if they still hold memories of past glory in some little nook or corner of their brain. Oh, also the big question : Why did it all have to end? But being a stoic my philosophies overshadow the last bitof thought thinking it happened because it was to happen, and since it has happened, there must now be a reason for it. I can't tell. And I can never know their real selves. and perhaps I wouldn't like to. Perhaps, I would respect them more as the persons I now see that they are than I would if I knew them closer. Perhaps it's all about retaining the awe they inspired when their identities here were alive.

Whether they're still their old selves or not I know not. Whether they can still return and reignite the silent fire they once did unknowingly or not I know not. Whether it's reasonable for that to happen or not I know not. What I know is, even if mortal memories die away, they'll always continue to exist as the basis of a mindset I've taken pride in owning.

To those that defined an addiction I took years to realize, here's a short bit of remembrance.

Thank you.

Concept Pictures

2011-04-24T22:44:00.000+05:30

Nothing new. Just thought of uploading some concepts I tried in my DPs on Facebook.
I don't quite use Photoshop these days. Haven't been doing much of Java either. Have been doing a lot of MSPaint anyway!

Here's a short collection :

Identity-crisis: A lost self.

Just some textures with MSPaint.

Anythingish. :P

Patterns with MSPaint.

Unchristened experiments with MSPaint.

One of my personal favs : CON-SOUL (CONSOLE)

Motto of some journal for the youth : Be The Change.

The one preceding this read "Nothin'" Aah, you'll need to know stores to understand this...

Just random shapes using MSPaint.

My story.

Patterns and textures using MSPaint.

This one's for others to guess...

Concepts That Hyped The Year That Passed

2011-04-24T21:54:00.004+05:30

These are concepts my jargon over the past year was rooted in.
Too many of 'em to list. In no order, whatsoever, let's start right away :

1. Vella Corner : Initially aimed at implementing my vision of creating a discussion group, what VC actually turned out to become was an SMS feed. Helped me share moods, get back to poetry, share songs, conduct surveys, greet everyone and stay connected.

2. Gonecase : Does this need any description? Right from the time I stepped out of school, everything's been gonecased. Everyone's been gonecased. Even the gonecases that have gonecased me have been gonecased.

3. CGS : Okay. Those who know this don't need further description. It still holds true, though I'm not quite sure about the Classic part.

4. LG : Err... Stuntman from Undecided.

5. Womunkind : Something like French or Italian would have suited the description of this one. I'll have to do with English itself. Womunkind was created as a platform to analyse Womankind. Which translates(in English itself) to criticising Womankind. Centres more around the "unkind" bit of that species.

6. EHS : Better left unspoken.

7. Jaali : Goes hand in hand with gonecasedness. Concepts like IEM, NIIT, (and others), are best described as Jaali. The good thing about the word is that you don't have to think much before saying it. If you're not silent in appreciation/awe of something, you can exclaim "Jaali!" without a thought. I use it even with teachers these days. And sometimes they seem to agree. And promote. xD

8. RHCP : Been promoting this band to literally everyone I came across. Found a lot of sense in certain bits of their lyrics. Also like their themes.

9. Promitbiswasing : The Promitbiswasing word. As versatile at expressing as an eponymous 12Cian at embezzling.

10. Someday : This one was a book. Still being planned. We never do away with plans, do we? We're procrastinators with seamless optimism. We're hopeful of writing Someday someday.

11. Blah : Another one of those versatile words. Over the last three years, practically all my Java classes have had variants of just three names : Blah, Demo and Anim, Blah being most dominant. It is also the only one that's still running. You don't have to remember the word. It just comes to mind when required.

12. Depends : One word people could have killed me for (ab)using at one point of time. Almost every question put forward to me received a "depends" from my side. And most of the times it wasn't even intended. I try avoiding the word these days. But sometimes you can't subject certain immediate responses to such filters. Depends.

13. Happens : My response to most things that happen with people and get them started.

14. Ignore It : My response to most things that happen to people and render them depressed.

15. My College Is Full Of Kids : "My college is full of kids!" and I'm quite positively sceptical if four years is going to be time enough to deal with this problem - err, nuisance.

16. Romance With Nature : Might have been just my age or mindset, but a major part of the last year experienced weirdly pleasant weather. And fortunately, I got far too many opportunities to be on the roads and enjoy everything in the best possible of manners. I was in good mood those days, poetic language seemed befitting. RoWiN series was started somewhat in conjunction with VC. Described my exploits out in Nature everytime the weather seemed better than usual. Aah those days!

17. FHD : I wonder how I can forget this! Of course, this dates two years back, but holds a lot of importance in the year that passed. Some know why. What is this? Why, FHD.

The Year I Didn't Pass

2011-04-24T21:22:00.005+05:30

We'll address why I didn't pass in the later section of this post. Let's begin by defining what the story was one year (or slightly more for convenience) prior to this date.
Okay. March. High time to study. ISC somewhere round the corner. Joint preps going nowhere.
Don Bosco Liluah, a place we fell more in love with every day we found our humble selves in its premises, amid friends, companions, teachers and loads of known faces. An organised place. Moods were mainly derived from Unit Test marks and emotions from yearly aggregates. Okay, the later is invalid. Even the former was - last year considerations/relaxations. The year was full of lectures by teachers stating how we were wasting our lives by not studying and how we could improve things by giving it our best from every next instant. Of course things don't work as long as you have the former point present in conjunction with the later. Pretty sensibly, the former part was omitted during post-pre-board interactions with the teachers. Turns out even that didn't work.

Exam time was full of frequent five-minute addas - before exams, after exams, while exchanging notes. The longest time spent together was spent in voluntary and need-centred silence, during the three hour papers.
Those were the last days when we saw the conventional nerds, the conventional gone-astrays, the conventional averages and the conventional brilliants. Correction : the conscientiously disciplined conventional nerds, the conscientiously disciplined conventional gone-astrays, and so on. This part was realized yards down the road.
So, amid animated faces known and befriended, we put a stop to a thirteen year long bond of mixed emotions. No matter how bitter certain experiences might have been, overall school life seems to be the best time one would ever get to have.
Joints ensued.
Pathetic attempts at studying made us realize it was all out of our reach. Err, no. Pathetic attempts at studying got us getting together for study-addas. And we realized "addas" was the dominating half of the term. Exams went down the timeline. Results didn't go down the intestines too well. Post exams, addas were at a peak. Results. Counselling. Admission to "COLLEGE"(much awaited then).

This was a lot. Important decisions for all individuals. Everyone was going somewhere(read somewhere else). Was tough time dealing with all that because I'd taken a long time getting settled in the 12C atmosphere and this was the time I was revelling in it, was enjoying it the most and everything had ended just when it'd started. But everything was made bearable and nothing felt too different because of one factor : it was happening to everyone. When things happen to everyone, their importance is often overshadowed by it's effects concerning one's own self. As a result, we tend not to be able to give much of a thought to others, however close they may be. That justifies to an extent why school friends can't retain their priority intact once college life sets in. Sad.

When school life ended, I had scores of plans: having regular addas with them Commerce mates because everyone would have time to kill, having timely addas with them 12C guys to do some Literature work, doing some plays, writing scripts, collaborating with programmers in the circle to create some sort of a something, and blah blah blah. Nothing happened as expected. But I'm happy the adda part hasn't been sacrificed on to a great extent. I keep running into someone or the other from time to time to stay in touch with old memories and take news of everyone's recent whereabouts.

Next came what I would call a heaven of a schedule. Waking up at 5 to a cup of tea, getting ready for my swimming classes, enjoying an early morning train ride with bright sunshine and cool breeze, spiced with soothing music plugged into my ears, taking a long walk down Howrah station to my swimming centre(carrying my guitar along), having a sort of an adda with them swimming mates, leaving Howrah for Rishra(would like to cite something here, but wouldn't), enjoying the long train ride with music, making new friends and discovering a new liking at the guitar class, and finally having almost the entire day before myself with nothing to do at all. Everyone had thought of making the best use of this time. I doubt if anyone made any progress. We are supposed to be experts at idling away. Got ourselves polished into professional procrastinators in that time. The only time I remember having slogged out was for making some presentation for Boscotsav's Techathon(that was ONE memorable week).

Nothing much after that. Fresh page now. College life began. Orientation was over before I realized it was called orientation. Not too many schoolmates in the same college. Potential collaborators distanced. Adda mates distanced. My own self distanced. I don't find it shameful to admit I actually found it an interesting option to study when college began. I mean, things were so light and we had so much time and so little to do. Everyone could have done everything. And that's when this schoolish mentality was last spotted. In a matter of days it was realized that no matter how much time you have and how much you can do, you simply can't make good use of time while you're in college. Make that an engineering college in West Bengal. I remember having spent most of the first few days taking down notes. The first day's notes also included the number of tubelights, fans and switches our classroom had. The number of switches had to be corrected the following days because my observation powers hadn't been up to the mark because of post-school-trauma-induced-delusions. Time passed. Started observing people in the class. I was always on the look-out for any DBLish people I might find. Always in vain. Some school friends were kind enough to be in regular contact. I never thanked them. Here's acknowledgement for thy mercy, lords : Thank you. I don't think I would've been able to retain any bit of integrity had it not been for some real involving chats with them on phone or over the Internet.

I kept to myself for most of the initial days - a situation I don't find much different even now. But the desperation's now gone. Don't get me wrong, I mean desperation about coming across people with the same frequency. Save for a few, hardly anyone was interested in discussing the topics I used to like. Soon even I had to give it up. I now think I had been a little too submissive right at the beginning. Should've got hyper about a few things right at the beginning and that would've set many things right. Over time I took to a more relaxed state. I had to gulp down the bitter fact that as of now, I wasn't going to get the company I'd longed for. Was a bad time. I had loads of ideas and no one to help me execute them. Those who could were either too far or too busy. Anyway, the first sem passed in simply standing and looking around blankly. I used to sit alone and write at one of them empty canteen desks. Ran out of the time very soon. Lab reports.

If the first sem was bad, the second was worse, from the study point of view. Whether I tried or not, I managed to mess around with it pretty successfully. And, oh, I had a record for being late almost everyday. A major part of the second sem was spent running around. Guitar classes, NIIT classes, College, Addas, Miscellaneous work. And I never compromised on Facebook. Of course, school friends unfortunately couldn't find much time to show up very often.

The first sem was also the time I got to make some nice friends with whom I shared nothing but a few mutual friends. High-fi guys, them people. As for my college mates, I was told, right in the first month, that I was in a group. Turns out the group's come about nicely. They're nice people, but all busy managing their own lives. I'm helpless at dealing with nice people with non-matching frequencies. Here, everyone's either a movie-buff, a nerd, a shopper, a book-worm, a brand-follower or an outing addict - things I am not even remotely connected to. After a lot of initial persuasion, we've finally settled on a pact exempting me from all the outings the group has. It is also nice to observe the group enhancing it's adda potential. Makes college life not just bearable, but possible. But I admit, I am yet to figure them out properly.

Now come in issues. College life's bound to have issues springing up around you. Saw quite a few in our college and class. I am the sort that gets all the news after it's got stale, even if it concerns me. What I have observed is people are still very apprehensive about letting go of their insecurities. Sad to say they'll be missing out on the real essence of college life as long as they don't let go of that practice. Personal experience.

The good thing about college is there's always something or the other going. Saw myself taking the initiative of participating in fests for the first time. Stood second against respectable opposition in one, thanks to the company.

While this year can't be called anything short of eventful, it would be wrong to say I don't have any regrets. I regret quite a few things, but my mind's currently set to leaving things to Uncertainty, leaving them time-dependent and examining how everything comes about, and adjusting myself accordingly. So, I can't quite tag certain things as regrets or things gone wrong until all their effects show up and subside. Ah, but joining NIIT was certainly one big mistake. "Don't send your kids to NIIT!" says an ol' friend of mine.

I almost forgot about the "why I didn't pass" issue. Well, the reasons must've been obvious from the almost totally subjective stories I narrated. I've seen people and dramas, seen one's insecurities dominating another's sincerity, seen greed dominating need, seen hollow camaraderie veiling carelessness, seen relentless abuse of intellectuality and art, seen total ignorance of sincere well-wishing against showy affection, seen known faces turning blind eyes, seen through faces and expressions and ended up doing nothing. And I could do nothing against it all. Ain't that failure enough?

By the way, I haven't spoken enough.

Forgot The Customary Self-Acknowledgement

2011-04-24T19:37:00.000+05:30

This is one of them customary posts. This March my differentiated selves completed one full year at fairly active blogging. We're pleased to tell you nothing much has changed, save the blog layout and practically pretty much everything else about it, keeping aside the sweet chemistry between the author and tragic-beauty mistress, Fate.

Life's still dumbish. I'm still pretty much adamant. And I still keep getting ':P'ed by Life.

The next post would be relating to retrospection on the year that passed. The beginning of my blogging life happened to coincide with the most happening part of my life as well(looking at the thing that happened, I don't quite know whether to take that as a total negative or not). I guess that can be one of the reasons why I wrote less after starting a blog. All regrets aside, time to reflect upon what went where, how and why on the year that passed. Stay tuned!

Last Night's Highlights

2011-04-18T20:31:00.000+05:30

Stumbled upon some niceish thingies last night/this morning:

RHCP : http://pasquiniryan.wordpress.com/category/uncategorized/
BITCOINS : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bitcoin (search related links as well)
Android : http://gigaom.com/mobile/android-activation-timeline/
Google Server : http://news.cnet.com/8301-1001_3-10209580-92.html
Something I couldn't complete reading for no real reason : http://www.marco.org/2011/04/09/facebooks-open-compute-project
For procrastinators : http://www.dextronet.com/blog/2011/04/10-best-tricks-of-fooling-myself-to-work/

Not to forget a bit of Chicken Soup For The Soul.
Shall add more links here. Stay updated.

So Much I

2011-04-14T23:55:00.005+05:30

(No intros required here. Just felt like writing something.)

I have an Electronics file to complete tonight. Have to return the source I'm copying from tomorrow morning. Apart from that, there are about a dozen things that more than deserve my immediate attention. But I'll sit down to write anyway.

Alcohol. People keep getting bugged by my constant mention of RHCP(thanks to Onida for suggesting Snow, Californication and Dani California), but I take pride in the fact that most people around me now know what it is.

I have silly reasons for liking their music(They Sound Good). I have serious reasons for liking music. Music is alcohol to me. And by the way, every RHCP fan is the biggest with regard to liking their music. No issues there, we fancy our egoes in that regard. I guess it has something to do with their music. Infact, it has everything to do with their music.

Passion and addiction are nice terms. Alluring for artists. They turn me on. I used to have trouble shutting my mind up at times. RHCP music helped me dematerialize and get lost into some sort of silent but melodious trance.

Besides, they helped me live and express emotions. They have songs for all moods.

I love the themes they choose and the way they express them. I love the strange sort of madness they have about them.

Otheriside has addiction as its theme. Heroin addiction. Speaks of how their former guitarist found himself powerless against his addiction and how the only way to evade was by facing it off - overdosing till he lost his life and reached the Otherside(afterlife). The video is full of surrealistic beauty and gets the message through in a fabulous style.

Snow talks of the same. Drug addiction. It's lines beautifually describe addiction and how difficult it is to get over it. It also highlights how difficult life is for those who have been rehabililtated.

Tell Me Baby's about how difficult it is to get into the music industry. Millions of people queue up everyday to test their success. Few hit good luck. The video was shot while an actual audition was going on and RHCP members just walked in without notice. I relate the song to everyone's life in general. "What's your story? Where do you come from and where do you wanna go this time?"

Californication has a similar theme. It's about - aah, the lyrics say it all.

Can't Stop takes the theme one step further. It speaks of the times after Kiedis became a rockstar. It speaks of his becoming and that there's no looking back from the point he's reached. He's part of the wave and "The wave can't stop."

Under The Bridge is a classic that talks of the theme of loneliness, of having no 'someone special.' A catchy bassy chorus makes it all the more romantic.

Someone is again a classic love song. The bad thing about love songs is you can't describe them much beyond "love songs."

Out of Range is one heck of a love song. Can be described a little beyond "another love song." I don't have much to say here. "I'm loving you, you're out of range. Wanted you, you're out of range..."

What I love about this band is their being high all the time. Being mad allows you to put thoughts on hold. Just going with the flow till you doze off. When sober again, you have soothing slow tracks to set you up for your next session of getting inebriated. They have these catchy tunes that make their tracks likeable right from the first try. And their flavour is easily recognizable. They're a great blend of sense and madness. Not to forget alcoholism. In some manners they resemble The Beatles. I'm not talking of legacies. But they both the bands had experimental drummers. And distinguishable music. And all the members are distinguished even as individual musicians. Anthony Kiedis has a fabulous voice. John Frusciante(no more a part of the band now) is one of the best guitarists today. Flea, one of the best bassists. RHCP have unmatched bass. And bass does more work in their songs than in other bands'. Is consequently more noticeable. Chad Smith's a great drummer. Also part of the superband, Chickenfoot(which hasn't quite done anything noticeable, but the superband tag deserved a mentioning).

Womankind

2011-03-09T00:59:00.003+05:30

(Happy Women's Day, Ladies!)

A mindset I've never managed to understand, a domain I've never had the audacity to explore, a piece of Nature I've never managed to keep myself from adoring.

Despite all that I would otherwise have to say, I can't deny my abstract self bowing before numerous aspects of (hold your breaths) - Womankind. It's been long since I"ve been feeling the need to write on this topic. The only obstacle was - each time I thought I could start writing, they came up with a new example of, ahem, how they were "different." Right, so about two to three years after I first thought of adoring this beautiful piece of creation we call womankind, (keeping aside all the other views that came in the way), I'll finally get to writing what I initially wanted.

Awe (I'd only love to call it "Mystery" :P), I believe, is a prerequisite for describing beauty. Awe is exactly what I feel when I recollect the initial perception I had of womankind. Add to that the charismatic personalities of some ladies I got the pleasure of knowing, and it becomes an extraordinary experience. Women are embodiments of beauty and art. Idols of grace. Perpetual sources of love and care, and forgiveness. Perfect manifestation of Nature in its most divine form. Pristine. Pure. Refreshing. Enchanting. Enlivening. Hope-inducing. Positive. Reclusive to unwelcome approaches. And adjusting, understanding, being fillers in the social sphere and at home, finding and filling out empty spaces, being what the family/social setup needs. Being religious about tasks they're assigned. Being so easy going, just like the wind blowing.

Each day of contact with the better half of mankind takes me deeper into admiring their beauty and grace. Each little gesture of theirs adds to my never-ending research, adds points to their grace and adds points to "Beauty" under the head "Lethal Weapons." And we lovers of art but fall for them each time we think of it. We love being killed by the beauty we adore. On a purely abstract basis, of course.

People

2011-02-15T17:55:00.000+05:30

<Under Constrcution(don't worry, we're not deleting this one :P)>
Given the kind of ironies presented by life in the recent days and the way people have resolved to direct conversations due to inebriations - the cause (or effects) of which they themselves are unaware of - I believe it is only natural that an article titled "People" should be intended to describe me.

Again? Yes.

I was recently into my second dating season with the RoWiN series. Of course, my life's not one for which I can afford to write "Good things were happening and suddenly I stumbled upon the best of the lot..." Err.. best of the good things, I mean. So I was into this thinking phase again. On poetic lines. Was en route to reuniting with the domains of Literature I had liked the most. Outside my head, though, there wasn't much of breathing space for such inceptions. Busy schedules because of college and other classes and pathetic mismanagement of time meant I was barely doing justice to one meal a day. I'd been kinda used to such compensations even earlier because of stupid reasons so it was easy dealing with the grumblings that came naturally from the mind of a supposedly buddha and khadus teenager.

This Way...

2011-01-24T14:11:00.001+05:30

(Just a short bit of an experience here. Wrote this a couple of months back.)

I've had problems. Everyone has problems. I've had problems I didn't know how to deal with. Problems one knows how to deal with aren't really problems. Anyway, over the last few years, there have been many problems I found it very difficult to deal with. Sometimes things just get out of control. I was subject to the same situation. And things kept going wrong in a serious manner. Sometimes bad luck was so dominant that it crept into situations where nothing negative could even be conceived. Things started getting on to my nerves. Here I was, trying hard(okay, not very hard.. I've always been lazy..) to get myself standing up on my legs again and there lay Fate like oil on the floor. I kept slipping each time I tried to stand.

Remember laughing at comedians when they enacted the same?

Looking at my life like an external observer, I laughed.

And since the time Me and My Heart started having these discussions about my self-pwned life, since we started sharing this bit of laughter generated from our own little circus, things started becoming easier to handle. Life never became less bitter, but there were more things to be bothered of. And somehow that left us with a little more patience to wait and watch how things come about.

Somehow the world never felt lonely again. Somehow things started getting sorted out on their own after that, or in our business in laughing our problems off, we thought they did. Somehow even though the answers we'd been looking for all this while to find satisfaction were never found, we felt contented.

I had forgotten this sometime back and things started getting ugly again.

Somewhere down the line someone reminded me I was supposed to work this way...

Not Required.

2011-01-12T01:12:00.003+05:30

(I need to add that I've written all this in as decent a manner as possible. You are free to use any phrases that come to your mind while reading to describe people and attitudes described here.)

I don't quite know what makes me write this post, but I guess I heard a phrase like "he's not required here" during the course of the day. Makes me think of a lot of things. Takes me one step further on a venture I'd embarked upon at the close of the previous year.

I believe people need to get rid of this bad tendency of taking certain things for granted. And since it's obvious no one learns lessons unless taught, I guess I finally need to do my part. I highly disapprove of talking without thinking, without assessing what things could imply, simply because people's reactions are taken for granted. What is not considered is that people might have a reason to remain the way they are. Might have a reason to remain silent. Social, ethical, moody, or anything.
But since that it turns out that bit isn't appreciated and, on the contrary, creates unnecessary and undesired problems for the one already taking the blows, I guess I also disapprove of that mindset now. What I approve of now is something like:

Be clear of your vision - the unadulterated one - before entering Rome.
In Rome, be a Roman.
In Rome, don't make holiday plans abroad.
In Rome, treat people as Romans.
Outside Rome, be yourself.
Don't carry any bit of Rome outside Rome.
Once outside, don't bother about Rome.
Don't consider your people to be part of Rome. Anytime.

Well, that was the theory bit of it. Boils down to giving people the taste of their own cup. Certain goodnesses need to be reciprocated. And certain goodnesses need to be reciprocated as cunningly as they've come.

Might sound way too selfish and narrow, but rest assured, this comes after long and thoughtful observation. This might not be the sweetest way out, but is the most justified one.

Coming to the implementation bit of this, well, this part is tricky. Tests you as a person. Worse, only you know about the test and the result. So, how do you apply all this crap? Think of whatever the above points made you think. Think of extremes if possible. That is the amount of freedom you're entitled to. Set that as a default in your mind. With that, continue being yourself. Go about your life with the assurance that you can bend within the scope you've set for yourself. How much you bend is totally your choice. At times you'll feel like exercising all the bitterness entitled you, but something or the other shall hold you back. Perhaps expressing every bit of that bitterness might ease your pains, but your conscience would hold you back. In other words, you'll retain some pain. Over time, the process would iterate. You would find something pressing against your heart like a thorn. And one day, you'll realize what it is. Letting go. Letting go of your emotions. That's the day you'll be freed of petty and baseless obligations to a world defined by your own notions of people and things. That day on, your conscience wouldn't hold you back anymore and you can go about your tasks without unwarranted regard to others.

Why all this prelude? Just to understand how all this behaviour is justified.

A Bit Of My Life In Recent Days

2011-01-08T17:23:00.001+05:30

Lot of hustle-blustle in my mind right now. Seems like life's got into the mood of playing around with me again. Of course, I'm not particularly loving it.

But the matter of the moment first up: a disappointing observation. I wouldn't like to point out individual incidents. That's not going to help. What I am disappointed about is the world. People. Attitudes.

My routine characteristically makes me run into people every now and then. Sometimes it's difficult to adjust to the pace of things as I'm not too much of a mingler. Apart from that, it makes it difficult for me to study people nicely. Now, what I don't understand is the logical basis of people's behaviour. Bus, train, college, roads, home, communities - anywhere I find myself, I find people talking. And people arguing. Pathetically. First dumb bit - the basis of the arguement. Second - every next proposition. Half of what is said is spoken just for the sake of speaking, often by those who do not logcially qualify to be a part of the arguement, and sometimes don't even know what the arguement is all about. A lot of talk goes on. And each bit is ensured multiple repetitions. Ultimately, the arguement abruptly ends - or at least halts - when either people have no time or something seemingly more logical manages to attract their attention.

This is routine. Bad bit - all this stupidiy for no real reason. Wastage of time. Unwanted and undesirable exhbition of unruliness and bad temperament. What I don't understand is why people can't keep their calm(and, for heaven's sake, silence) in such cases. Speaking only incites others to speak. Most matters can be sorted out without much of talking, let alone arguing. What shines through most of these arguements is false ego. False ego and misdirected attitude.

While I admit there's often a need to raise arguements, there's generally a decent way of going about them. Of course, I'm not here to illustrate them. I'm generally too nonchalant to involve myself even in places where they're needed.

The next bit of what I have to share is more misery. I don't know how but I have entangled myself in a situation where I need to be meeting too many people too frequently. And everyone makes plans, and everyone hates bunkers. And we have personal resolutions to keep, and work to do, and shoes to clean and rooms to clean, books to study, a family to spend time with, and personal reflection to do to sum it all. Oh, don't forget wallet pressures.

But all the logical work is justified. What's not is the silly but compulsory bit. That's something I've been trying to get rid of. What irritates me all the more is the lack of rest that accumulates over such long periods of continuous work. Each muscle paining, loads of things still to be dealt with, no time for rest. Spoils the mood for work. Disallows you from working on personal plans. Doesn't permit you to spend time with yourself, relax, plan further, and decreases your overall efficiency for the current period(though it might prove beneficial later on).

Wouldn't like to give any consolations this time. This is routine again. Certain phases develop an obsession of people. Takes long to get things right again. And loads of work goes unaccomplished. I don't know what's next.

Which reminds me... My case is an undecided one. Because I talk to different people in different mindsets, I don't exactly remember everything I know every moment. That has emerged as my biggest undoing in recent days. I don't remember what plans I have made with people and I end up having my plans overlapped. Last minute shifts and cancellations have left me nowhere. What embarrasses all the more is people's reaction to this problem. And I realized it was a justified response on their behalf. They pointed out that I was talking as if I was a big man, busy 24*7, making million-dollar deals every minute. While I don't have replies when they point it out, on contemplation it feels like I do have some sort of an answer. I have loads of appointments and plans, and yes, I am busy, but being busy doesn't imply you need to be big or make million-dollar deals every minute. Why I need to stick to the business part is to ensure better carrying out of works I do in collaboration with people. And also because I like that bit of discipline, be it at the cost of some taunts or abuses.

I guess that's one element that keeps me going. I feel a sense of pride in that. I revel in such pains. And before I get to ecstatic about it, I remind myself: "Life's messy." That's that for the good times. When it's all bad, I remind myself: "C'est la vie." That's that for the bad times.

Something Different...

2011-01-06T22:53:00.010+05:30

I had been thinking over this for quite sometime. I have received suggestions to add variety to the blog on a number of occasions. So, I shall be experimenting a bit in the coming days.
Here goes the first of them: I am a fervid surfer. I keep searching for random things from time to time. These search sprees land me upon good stuff very often. Shall be sharing some of those from time to time.

For now, I have some wiki suggestions:

Applied Mathematics, Philosophy, Programming And What Not(!) :

Chaos theory - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Rule 30 - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Turing machine - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Random:
Dead Sea Scrolls - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Kim Peek - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Useful Stuff for Budding Programmers:

Entity-attribute-value model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Software Engineering Body of Knowledge - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Vocab of a Web Addict:

Blogosphere - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Troll (Internet) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Royalties - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Psychological thriller - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
(Add a ':-P' for the last one.)

Books :

Man and Superman - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The Magic of Thinking Big - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Category:Books by Sigmund Freud - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Quantum theory and associated nuisance :

EPR paradox - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A New Kind of Science - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

String theory - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Spacetime - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Uncle Petros and Goldbach's Conjecture - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[Sorry in case you didn't find any links of your interest. Shall be uploading a collection of comedy videos in a few days.]

My Dear Peer...

2011-01-02T00:13:00.005+05:30

(This is in response to the recent flurry of bitter-tasting emotions expressed by a host of overly grief-stricken souls whose shattered pieces put together comprise a set I can call - with due respect - my peers. They need rest.)

This is just a bit of an advice or suggestion to my peers who are stricken by life's thisish woes - primarily the love(and all related parasitic bugs) bit, the world-is-unjust-to-me bit, the oh-i'm-just-not-supposed-to-be-happy bit and all related bits. Before I proceed, I'd like you to ask yourself a simple question: How old are you?
And in succession, some questions that make slightly more sense:
How much of experience do you have? Do you think it's really sufficient?

And now, are you constantly/frequently burdened by such shallow stupidities? Keep crying about it each time it strikes your mind? Spoil your mood because of it and think life's dull(or meant to be dull for you)?

Don't you think we were only kids just sometime back? Don't you think we're too young and inexperienced to be bothering ourselves with such complications - to that effect, useless complications.

The bad thing is, one of these questions would inevitably evoke a positive response from you. The good thing is, these things actually don't matter.

Ask yourself a few questions again. Have you been too troubled by these composite emotions/experiences? How far have your childhood dreams come true?

Aren't your self-generated complications creating unnecessary and undesired barriers in your way of working towards your goal? Don't you think your childhood dreams have been veiled by silly perceptions about a life incompletely lived?

Stop that from happening any further. Wake up! You're too young to be wasting yourself in all this rubbish - yes, rubbish - because these complication-related issues need experience and age to handle. Right now, you're not supposed to be indulging in all that. Your age shall tell you when it's time. Moreover, you're wasting the best part of your youth in silly things which won't hold the same meaning when you actually understand them. Look on what's actually going to hold meaning and shall not come again : the vitality you possess now and the dreams that need that vitality.

Get yourself back on your feet, feel light, forget complications, bid them bye in a single line, get working on your plans and nurture your dreams. Might seem boring initially, but once you're in, no amount of boredom or difficulty would be able to throw you out of track.

With best regards for this new year, hope you success in all progressive endeavours you undertake!

Oh, did I miss it! Keep reminding yourself of this entire bit of explanation each time you think you might think of faultering...

Greetings and best wishes!

Impulsive : 2010

2010-12-31T01:41:00.002+05:30

(Heartfelt apologies. Couldn't figure out how to write this. Didn't know where or how to begin and how to end. Went the usual random way. Had to skip certain points because they needed prior DeD info. But since DeD is likely to be removed very soon for solemn reasons, those points had to be totally omitted.)

2010. I don't know how much of it I'm gonna remember, but I can admit without doubt that this has been the most influential year in my life. What all came and went is difficult to enumerate, only the effects can be felt distinctly.

The most striking change has been that of mindset. A plethora of changes, difficult to classify as strictly good or bad, have come about. The next big change has been in atmosphere, in conditions. Changes have come about in the type of people I have around, in the manner of perceiving things, in the manner of reacting to things, in the manner of dealing with people, in the manner of talking, in the manner of working, in the manner of writing - in almost everything. This being a very significant year in all batchmates' life, everyone's had his own share of changes. So, people have changed too. Considering all that to be inevitable and obvious, I believe this paragraph was utter rubbish. I apologize for the silly start.

Now there's been a lot of activity this year, most of it done without much of heart(which is probably why the latter half of this year saw everyone obsessed with heart-related talks). Things began with the dullest new year celebrations I've had. (One good point - was watching Avatar at 2). Fast forward. Preboard preparations too dull. Joint preparations scoring high on shamelessness. All I wondered at that point of time was where were all those good days when I actually did well in studies gone... Anyway, I believe I know the answer now. Past.

Preboards weren't impressive. Salvaged pass marks somehow. Boards were even worse. Somehow I couldn't find the intent to sit and study. Felt I was missing a driving force. Down on motivation and on marks, I messed up my boards. Down on sense and focus, I messed up my joints. Err.. joint examinations. The early part of the year was marked by extravagant celebrations in school. Everyone was high about everything. It was a farewell celebration installment everyday. Exams passed in a flurry. Tried studying a bit after the boards. Couldn't. My sort of mess found me studying in IEM shortly. I apologize - found me admitted to IEM shortly. I was a gonecased man. I was too much involved with school life when it ended. I was routined to it. Walking around corridors, coming across familiar faces, listening to people, observing people and a lot more blah blah. In short, I was happy with the way it was.

I wonder what I did in the holidays after the joint exams. I guess I was busy Facebooking. Anyway, the long stretch of time ensured that I was no longer into the things I used to love wildly at one point of time, not too long back. No more photo editing, no more programming, no more nothing. The only (apparently) good thing I had done was creating my first active blog(DLCP). But then, there was this beautiful patch of time that was waiting for me. I joined swimming classes in June, just after returning from a trip to Delhi. Had some nice bits of enjoyment there. Soon afterwards, I joined guitar classes. My regular routine was something like: getting up at 5 and leaving home by 6, about 40 minutes of (Bengali) songs before swimming classes started, chit-chat with friends there, about 40 minutes of (English) songs before Guitar class started, lunch at something like 2, and facebooking for the rest of the day. Man, I loved it!

So the routine continued for about a month. New friends. Friends of a different type. Occasional addas with old pals. Few reunions with schoolmates. Now, things started getting boring with the commencement of college. Of course, initially we had enough work to keep us occupied, so thoughts didn't have much of space. Before long, college life gained pace. Long journeys, four to five hours of travel each day, new faces everywhere, old faces nowhere in sight, no consolation, no comfort, no relaxation - life seemed suffocating for the initial bit. As life gained some sort of flow, new faces became familiar, college life seemed takeable. College life had a different sort of positive aspect, different sort of enjoyments - well, not exactly my type. Anyway, I found my way out. Routined myself as a loner. A lonely table at the canteen, an occasional cup of tea(they prepare tea in buckets back at our canteen) and one of my rough copies. College life.

Exams kept getting messed up even in college. Couldn't really study. No driving force. Messed up both midsems. Terribly messed up the sems. At this point, even the guitar class was on hold owing to sir's injuries and our exams. I liked the guitar classes because of the relaxed and unstressed atmosphere. Which means I was really getting messed up in this period of time.

Oh, I forgot about the messing up part. Loads got messed up this year. First, this. Second, that. Third, everything else. I wouldn't go into this and that. As for everything else, it included studies, learning, addas, initiatives, plans, etc. I wonder why I feel incapable of elaborating this point at the moment...

I believe I need to write about the experience part of this year. The way life paced itself and the way things happened this year made me learn quite a few things about life and people and consequently showed up as the changes friends have pointed out. A LOT happened this year. It's difficult to enlist things because everything happened in such a flurry. It was as if the whole world was in some sort of a rush and you had to catch up somehow. Of course, I never liked it. And if I'm made to do things I don't like doing, I don't do well.

Now, lessons about people. I had a wish, a view, to be a good guy. To be this and that, think of people, do good to others etc. I thought those were nice things and one should look forward to doing all those. And then, people came into the scenario. When you nurture such a wish, you need to have people's cooperation in the same. But the world's a big place and everyone's got something to look after. You're made to taste dust at some point or the other. That's when you start looking at the scenario as YOU and the WORLD instead of individual people. The rest can be deduced.

Again, when you make sacrifices and walk painful paths to get a few things right for many people, you expect some cooperation, be it in the form of not creating barriers. These expectations stand on illogical grounds.

This year made me learn few nice things about people. Never trust anyone, however close. People don't stick around unless they have personal benefits to extract from you. You don't hold potential benefits for them, they don't heed you anymore. Simple. Next, don't go helping someone else repair his roof if your own house is in ruins. Next, don't heed anything that people say as long as you have a vision of yourself clearly figured out. Next, however close you may be to a person, never ask them a personal question. In general, don't give the world any chance to hurt you if you're not ready to take it. You think you're being good in caring about others but might be taken to be too interfering. Might be made to taste dust again. Better avoid that and retain your self-respect. Do only what you're asked. Serves you better.

Another important bit of learning from this year was the confirmation that it's actually more yielding to live for the abstract than for people. People come, people change, people go. Abstracts remain the same. Die for a passion, skip sleep for something that gets you active in the middle of the night, engulfs you like alcohol.. that at least makes artistic sense. Live for people only when you've got a good enough reason for it.

Next bit, getting professional. Forget the world. Just have your own work in mind. Seems rough when you hear it first up, but makes sense when you're pressing against deadlines and the rest of the world comes in the way of your work and in the end you're the one who has to take all the blame. Act wisely. Avoid such problems. Once secure, do what you like.

Just a note to end this learning bit. All that's been written applies to my current mindset. Applies to things in the way they make sense to me now, in the way I want to make them make sense to me now. A little earlier or a little later, I'd disapprove of some of those points myself. But in the frame I am now, I believe these are the only factors that make sense.

To end this, a bit of a thanksgiving. This year has definitely been the most eventful of all. Wouldn't have been possible to live it through without God's grace. Next, the only stagnant thing in life: support of my parents. Loads of tricky decisions taken this year. They supported me through it all. Took all the pains. Thanks to them. Next, thanks to all oldie and newbie friends for having made me part of their experiences. A big thanks to all those who made me learn things this year. Thanks to all those who showed certain paths. Thanks to all those who shared information and inspiration. A big thanks to all those who had me falling into bitter experiences. Might have lost respect for you to varying extents but sure admit I needed lessons. Thanks to all once again!

On this note, wish everyone a warm and prosperous new year. Excel, bear results and be proud of them.

The Thatish Yourselfness

2010-12-17T14:21:00.001+05:30

(Dedicated to quite a few, one might be you)

This world's strange. You keep to yourself, you're given all sorts of encouragement to get free, get casual, make yourself easy, express yourself - avoid keeping to yourself. You do that, you flunk your ethics. And ultimately the entire cause is killed by its own consequence. The world wants you to be some way, some way other than what you've been. You change over time to become that way. The world enjoys it for short while before strifle problems start springing up. You believe they're offsprings of sudden change and think ignoring them is the best way out. This makes dealing with future problems easier. Over time, you get used to the new you, things seem settled, you start taking a breather, you relax, start expressing yourself, believing things shall be perceived the same way as before. But there are things you've already lost along the journey. There are behaviours of your own self that have changed. Others may change in their own right. You tend to assume that others shall change to accommodate your changes. That's where everything starts going distinguishably wrong. The security of every situation, of every relation starts seeming unfamiliar and ultimately is lost due to the half-questions that arise every now and then. Mental peace is lost. It's only a matter of time before someone or the other gives you a taste of reality. Light incidents of this type are generally ignored in the same way as mentioned earlier. But over time, a major, moving issue of that type takes place. You're given a taste of truth, some truth, just a small part of all the truths you'd been too distracted to heed. Slowly you realise you've come a long way on a whole different road, on a junction you didn't quite fancy being in, in situations you specifically wanted to ignore being in.

It's good to give in at that point. It's good to sit back, relax, apologize to yourself, and get up again to set things right. How exactly "set things right"? Well, by being your own self once again.

It's difficult to rediscover one's own lost identity. You know yourself so well that "yourselfness" comes naturally to you. You can't exactly figure out the changes you need to incorporate in your behaviour. But once you decide you've actually changed from what you wanted to be, it becomes easier to apply things to yourself. What you need to do is to have a vision of the self you want to become, stick to it and avoid everyone's views on the same - till you don't get comfortable in your newly discovered old self. Don't over-analyse your situation at this point - it shall give you wrong realisations. Just keep moving ahead till your situation starts feeling "normal," that is, you start feeling comfortable with the way things around you are.

Once at peace with yourself, you have just one more step to take. Very soon after you've settled with your problems, you'll get temptations. The very same world will ask you why you've "changed," why you don't be yourself again, and will try convincing you that the changes you've just renounced were actually good. But don't be diverted by such comments, they're only intended to make you feel good for a while, because those around you believe you don't like reverting to your old self. Stay the way you are, the comments shall die down once people find you happily being busy being your own self.

Alcoholism

2010-12-13T15:01:00.005+05:30

(Finally something I desperately wanted to write on...)

Life's messy. People keep changing.

It's only human for one to depend on those around him for love, company, warmth, comfort and for a sense of completeness. And, unfortunately, human instincts can't be given up.

Placed in a whole new world after years of routine, the initial incompatibilities seem obvious and are anticipated to be short-lived. It's not until enough time passes that one realizes that things have changed permanently. The absence of the security of familiarity is felt the strongest when the first thoughts of retrospection throng in. Over time, one believes one would learn to admit those facts into one's life. And probably one does, but the interim is a period of crucial gravity, a period marked by acute lows, depression, loneliness, dark contemplation and hollowness. Streams of new faces can't fill that abyss. Showy gestures can't affect unadulterated thoughts.As a matter of fact, "people" can't fit into the frame. It is then that the significance of this falsely infamed piece of beauty as a versatile filler is highlighted.

Alcohol. Embrace it with a pure heart, free of the slightest reluctance and suspicion, and you'll know precisely how to deal with life. Ironically, this invoker of instability in reality opens one's mind to the most stable truths.

Inebriation helps one bring alcohol at the other end of all bonds one is part of. In other words, alcohol embraces you the same way you embrace it. It manages to do one favour you can never do to yourself - volatilize your bonds with people. Once those bonds become volatile, the heart is freed. Relationships get a broader base. And one simultaneously immunizes oneself against any harm those bonds can cause to him. And we, in our sober senses, are well aware that bonds, both joined and broken, can potentially devastate our heart and mind. Inebriation silently cirbs the probability. It shows one the worthlessness of living for people. What it projects as useful is living for the abstract - for your passions, for your spiritual peace. With people out of your mind, you can take down any obstacle coming in the way of fulfilling your passions without any consideration. Unity with that passion brings ultimate peace. Medium - Inebriation.

Now, you would wrong me to think I'd been talking of alcohol consumption all this while. That's too shallow an inference, if you still hold it. Inebriation must be looked at as a natural empowerment, something pleasant, something abstract. Its source can be different for all of us - we could consider our sorrows to be our wine, our thoughts, creations, loneliness, memories - any abstract entity to be our source for deriving inebriation.

Once snug in that world, this one would be a piece of cake. It's all a question of when we decide to let go of our illusionary feelings of materialistic bindings and cleanse our minds and hence be prepared to embrace the cup that holds the oath to the freedom of our soul.

As they say, "Reality is just an illusion caused by the lack of alcohol."

More of Introspection

2010-12-11T22:14:00.001+05:30

I have no introductions for this post. This world seems lame, repetitive, overcrowded, meaningless. And I somehow seem to be giving in to it, encouraging it to be more of this nature. But it's been quite a long time now, and I know things aren't going to change gradually. Things need to change all of a sudden to trigger some bigger changes, gradual ones. Bottomline : Things need to change.

I'm sad I have this habit of taking implications silently and remaining indifferent to things, taking certain things somewhat "mechanically." I believed a little bit of it would be reciprocated. Even if it wasn't, I didn't mind. But when people start playing safe at the cost of others' mindsets, I get disappointed. My policy so far had been to hold on, because somewhere down the line, my basics were assured of security. Not the case anymore. In other words, things have reached a saturation limit.

Things didn't proceed the way I would have liked them to. Relied too much on composite and unverified deductions. Going to fix things on conventional bases this time. Need to put everything written down over the past few weeks, and more, into immediate effect. The reactions might be slow, but being constantly bothered about them would at least give a feeling that "something" is happening. The rest shall keep changing at its normal pace, like - I believe - it has been.

So, since people have proved their worth time and again, and since I've had enough of silence and ignorance, it's time to take some time out for my own self. I adore the mindset I'm currently eyeing as that of an artist, but there's a particular element of thrill which is so distinct I feel like calling it a thief's mindset. Whatever comes next must be interesting to watch...

Introspection

2010-12-05T19:16:00.002+05:30

Now lately there's been quite a bit of stir in the environment around. Wouldn't leave anything upto implications this time, it's been people. People, from here and there. People, doing this and that. People, not quite allowing me to remain my usual self. Hence, I find the need to speak out a little bit and remind myself of a few things. Whatever follows is definitely going to be misleading to anyone who doesn't get it clarified over a one-to-one face-to-face talk. Hence, this article isn't prescribed for everyone.

Having considered my mental status over the last whatever years of consciousness I've had, I can safely tag myself as a loner, probably because I never came across anyone with the same mindset and hence never really opened up as I would have liked to. I have opened up in bits, with people who've shared a certain bent of mind towards certain aspects of life, but considering the percentage of words still left unspoken, I believe that's not quite considerable. I don't think I have seen enough of the world, but from what I have seen, and from what I perceive, I don't have the same likings or bent of mind as most people do. There are thoughts and practices I have clinged on to through thick and thin. Sad to say they've often caused pain and regret, since despite their causing pain I couldn't find it feasible to let go of them. I don't need anything but thoughts. I don't mean to imply I'm ready to give away everything I have. In the frame I am, I can't. And I don't mean to imply that I am always satisfied with whatever I have. All I mean is, take all needs away and I don't need anything. Whatever comes my way is enough for me. On materialistic grounds. What I treasure most are thoughts. My mind and a bit of reason is all I need to survive. And mind it, I don't say this without having lived through this feeling. Many times over.

Coming to choices, I don't like parties and gatherings. Gatherings where the group is small and I know most of the ones present are definitely a turn on. I like listening but don't like talking unless a similar mindset is reciprocated. I don't like food. Doesn't mean I say no to it or don't like having pav-bhajis or chola bhaturas, but it's just that I would rather spend an hour sitting alone in a corner contemplating than waste half walking to some restaurant and having some food. Things like food, only entertainment providing movies, parties, useless chats, are a turn-off for me. Having the newest and best of everything isn't something that I especially fancy. I don't know why, but i am just not into it. As long as I get to use MS Paint and Notepad on my computer, I don't care about the best computers that are available. I am not into style and being updated with latest trends. I find it useless for me. I like abstract adventures, thinking sprees, contemplating, discussing, getting nostalgic with friends and relatives, talking to my own self... those are things that keep me going. But for the most part, the likings and choices of most my friends are way different from my own.

People come and go, they stick around until you satisfy some of their needs or give them some sort of comfort. They leave as soon as they're done with you. I'm okay with that, provided I'm not questioned for my actions while dealing with people. Not that I mind answering, just that I feel my answer might sound offensive to the questioners. I deal with different peple differently. The first few talks with anyone set the tone of the conversation I have with anyone. I estimate their mindset and talk accordingly. I enjoy being good to people as long as they don't give the impression that it's an exchange relationship instead of a normal one. By normal I mean one that doesn't need a reason to continue. To anyone who asks, I would say this is a wrong approach. But that's the way I've grown, and I am quite used to it now. I'm quite used to being used by people, quite used to ungratefulness and forged forgetfulness. So I don't mind all that. I'm best in company that's considerate, where I don't have to tend to my own needs. I can dedicate myself to the cause there. In case I'm placed in a group wherein I can't fully trust those in charge, I don't feel like continuing. I don't mind people extending hands only for exchange relationships, but inethical behaviour in relationships is something that turns me off.

With that kind of approach, I subject myself to a lot of exploitation. I am aware of that. But I don't mind it as long as that exploitation doesn't encroach upon the doimain of my needs. When it does, I expect the ones responsible to withdraw and give space. In case they don't, I need to express some sort of reluctance, which, again, is something I don't favour. I want to be kept busy with whatever work I am doing. I don't want to get myself involved in all these complicated matters. But having assessed human behaviour over the last couple of years, I deemed it necessary to have standard policies for such stiuations so as not to allow those connected to me to be affected by what's done to me. If things would close on me and no one else were to be affected, I wouldn't mind anyone doing anything as long as losses at my end were only materialistic or emotional. But since that's not the case everywhere, I need to draw the line in some cases.

I love it when I can connect to anyone. I love it whenever I come across anyone who shares the same thoughts, or the same activities, or the same sort of reasoning. I fancy that sort of a bond. Those are bonds I like treasuring for long terms.

But knowing the kind of trajectory my life follows, I'd rather have no one close to me since people aren't receptive to bitterness. In my case, I need to make bitter decisions almost every next day, because of obligations to different things and events. Someone who fancies a personal relationship as good as a professional one would be an ideal friend for me. Sad to say I haven't met too many people of that type till date. And sad to say that almost no one around me can take decisions in the way they should be, without affecting personal relationhips. It's a let down. But again, I have got myself habituated to it.

That more or less sums it up. In simple words, I can't gel in well with people unless it's on professional grounds. It's best when they come and go and I have to adjust accordingly, since I can't expect anyone to do anything for me or be anything to me. I am greatly indebted to those who have been anything to me till date, for it is because of them that I am what I am. And I am glad about what I am today. I might me a self-pwner, I might be a gonecased emo at times, but I fancy being me.

My Generation

2010-10-25T12:34:00.004+05:30

(This one's something like a follow-up of Our Types, so don't expect this to be a poem, article, drama, or anything else. It's just a piece.)

My generation's after brands and tags
Envying who leads, jeering who lags

My generations's after vague literature
Twists of perspective demanded every line

My generation's after girls and love
Unnecessary complications of an otherwise useful heart

My generation's after looks and style
Goes here and there, does this and that
Lacks in feel

My generation's after things
That lead people to them

My generation's after connections
Creating new ones and dragging the old

My generation's after theories
Creating and contradicting

My generation's after trends
Creating and following

My generations's after reasons
That justify their vices

My generation's after those who won't admit
Until you express

My generation's after convenient goodness
And showy love

My generation's after shallow feelings
And impatience

My generation's after illusions
(Sadly backed by short-term results)

My generation's after life and living
The passion sadly hollow

My generation's a mindset
Built upon shaky platforms
Out of insecurity
Stretched over time

My generation's a twist in convention
A break in routine
A misfortunate consequence of inattention
Which should justify what it lays for the ones to come
But, oh, no.
We'll remain guilty.

The Maze

2010-09-22T22:26:00.002+05:30

You're in an organized maze. The part you're currently in is part of a bigger maze and consists of smaller ones itself.
When you feel you've solved a certain part of the maze, you actually land into a more complex part of the bigger maze. Your instinct makes you try to solve the maze. Your mind is satisfied only when you solve the part of the maze you're in. And each time that happens, you land up in a more complex part of the bigger maze. That's how the world's progressing. You never know where you are. No one knows who's in or out of the labyrinth.
Some players go about callously, not worrying about which stage of difficulty they're in. Lucky ones escape out of the labyrinth. But they never know it. Those bothered about knowing where they are have the maze in mind - and they never get out of it.
The knowledge of your state comes at the cost of losing the possibility of being out of the maze.

Keys to get free : Containment. Contentment.

Self-analysis

2010-09-19T10:17:00.000+05:30

I have two parts which grow increasingly distinct over time : the human me and the abstract me.

The human me has emotions, feelings, desires, wishes, hopes, aspirations, responsibilities, bonds, weaknesses. The abstract me is free from such elements. The abstract me analyses the human me and the people around me, situations I am in and my responses, situations others seem to be in and how they respond, and why people respond the way they do. Based on the experiences and responses of the human me in different circumstances, the abstract me keeps coming up with questions. With each new question, the surge of curiousity through the being of the abstract me intensifies. It thirsts for answers and relaxes when it gets the key to getting them. It often affects the human me, sometimes causing it to miss out on certain productive opportunities. But that's the natural way in which the combination gets along.

Over time, this tog-o-war between the two sides of me, each trying to dominate my being completely, has left both parts of me in a state of unrest. None enjoys it. None gives up. The human me, being human, goes through the same feelings each time it undergoes the same experience. The abstract me, being abstract, keeps tring to tame the human me. It holds the realizations of my responsibilities, my limitations and my freedoms. If it says a particular desire of mine's justified, it helps the human me fulfill it. If not, both parts keep debating until a verdict has been reached. Different things hold different priorities for both the parts. Normally, one part or the other compromises willingly. But deviations keep showing up every now and then. There are things the human craves for but the abstract can't permit. The human is bound by feelings, the abstract by understanding.

When this conflict rises above the concealably manageable level, I need to address matters seriously. Normally, I support the abstract, for reasons I shall describe in the coming posts. So the human me has to be tamed to control it's emotions. The heart has to be tamed by the mind. It's a painful process. It's a long process. Each moment makes you think things are not going to work and you're losing something you're close to with every passing second of quitting the desire to get it. The heart aches,but finally manages to understand, provided the mind can keep reiterating the causes due to which it has to tame the heart. Once tamed, the heart is easy to work with.

It should be noted here that taming is not necessary in the converse situation because the mind gets tamed by the human part naturally.

The abstract me, devoid of materialistic desires, craves for answers and has the patience to get to them. It craves to dominate over me, and I like supporting it.

Over time, I'd like to allow it to take full control of me.

The abstract me associates me with my passions and other abstract entities. That link is pure and uncomplicated. When humans step into the framework of associations, things get complicated. Your passions will always stand by you. They don't have any external requirements. They are static. And above all, they give you peace. Satisfaction.

(In case of objections replace all "you"s with "me"s and "your"s with "my"s.)

Oh, by the way, this is my conscience speaking. Need to create some sort of balance within the two elements if I am to proceed with my plans. Need to eliminate people from my life and get my passions holding those places close to my heart.

Things Gone Missing.........

2010-09-01T23:48:00.002+05:30

(I don't know. Had a kinda strange mood today. Was kinda diverted. Was thinking how far is it justified to think of old times if that came at the cost of ignoring present times; managed to find some time out to pen down few glimpses that flit past my mind in those few minutes of recollections... )

Hope today could be an adda with them

Hope today could be set aside for movie reviews

Hope today could be a programming venture (languages new to all)

Hope today us brothers and sisters could have one of those masti and chat sessionsHope today could be a walk on the flyover, discussing "stories," "dreaming," smiling at our lyalishness (laelishness), hoping some days would be different from other days.

Hope today could be a solitary walk along the corridors, talking to Muscato, thinking, feelosophising...

Hope today all "our" types could sit and review those good little things less shared, less viewed

Hope today could provide me with enough thoughts to prevent me from hoping to see these days again

Hope today could be like old days, hours spent posting on communities (yes, the two). (And hope those faces long gone missing could miss the ones still waiting for them... and reply..)

Hope tonight's another 9 to 1 patch of discussions, my questions, my views, his answers, his views, recollections, hope and hopelessness.

Hope today could be the day I never expected to see(Heck no!)

Hope all that I had with me yesterday, today with me could be...

Our Types...

2010-09-01T23:46:00.002+05:30

(It's been long since I thought of writing down an analysis of my mind, to cover my likes and to act as a sort of justification to those actions of mine that seem irrational. Last day (31st August) I sat in class and started writing without any direction; started jotting down points as they came. All that took place in such a hurry that I couldn't understand what form of writing to frame this as. Anyways, here's a short piece of documented retrospection. Oh, the original piece was written in bad handwriting for the same reason as the other articles written in bad hand-writing.)

(Oh, and I don't know why those blank lines feature where they do and not after other lines...)

And since it's about my version of my world, don't expect to find any success in figuring out whether this is a poem, story or drama...

Look not for sentences correct and sentences complete. Look for lines with noincense replete.

And this is the world where people exist as ideas, ideas as people, and the long-running dukh-bhari gaatha of mine is audienced by the rest of me.

We sit and discuss and think and analyze, and talk and decide, reject finalize

Things we don't control.

And we're chain smokers, thoughts our weed

And we're religious bigots, tea our creed.

Inebriated we remain 24 hours a day

Thoughts pass well on platforms tea lays.

And we don't have no language and our concepts aren't fixed.

And we begin from the basics 'cause basics are all we need.

'Cause life ain't what you perceive it to be

Even with your eyes open, there are things you cannot see.

And we're creatures of chance so strangely evolved, strangeness makes no difference to us at all.

And we're lovers of beauty and go gaga about it.

And we can love almost anything we come in contact with.

And we shape perspectives of others, die for it

And end up contemplating how easily OUR views changed.

And we don't need no materialistic praise

But that don't mean we don't like no credit

And we don't know if we follow our heart or mind

But make theories stating both are the same

And we're evil players of an evil game

Our minds play foul even with us

And we don't know if things are right or wrong

But are sure they need to exist

And we won't question if the world comes to an end

Unless we're made to look and know and feel

All the same reasons that divert others

And we're gonecased people, hit hard by luck

Bad one of course

And that was the shortest line of the piece if you didn't notice

And I'm out of thoughts and points for now.

-Abruptender Circuitboard

(Nomenclature : Abruptender.. I had started directionlessly, as mentioned above. Don't know how far through the original course I was diverted, all I know is I was diverted by something and lost the thought flow. Tried continuing in the same fashion but couldn't. Ended the piece there itself. And Circuitboard? I don't know. Just came to my mind. We'd been talking of it I believe. Few days back. Oh, no, I remember! I was stuck with the second half of the same when my eyes, rummaging the entire classroom for cues, fell on the switchboard. Somehow Circuitboard sounded more poetic than Switchboard. But note, this isn't exactly a poem...)

The Big Bad World

2010-08-22T11:19:00.005+05:30

This is when you realize how bad the world is, and why bad doesn't mean bad. You spend a lot of time observing the world around you and forming notions about things, realizing what you agree with and what you don't. Since as a child you have a different world of yours and are somewhat shielded from the outer "real" world, you can easily make yourself believe that everything in the outer world is only a dream and that when you would be a part of that world, things would be different, things would be as comfortable as they are now. You come to the real world. You start applying your notions. Beliefs are broken. Bases are shaken. It takes time to convince your mind it's all for real. You feel like it's all very unpleasant. You try recalling the picture of the world as you had in your dreams. That's when reality hits you the hardest. Recalling the picture gives you hope. Looking around at the real world crushes all emotions. You're not allowed to close your eyes. You know it's not a dream. You know nothing can change merely by wishing it did. It's only after you've managed to get used to this reality that you can open your eyes and see the reality of things, see where you stand, see what you are, see what powers you have and what powers you need to shape your world the way you want. It's then that you realize that those shattered dreams aren't a closed chapter. Once you start working your way towards your goal, things shape themselves automatically. It's only the will that matters, and a belief - a belief that success will come, not just hope, but belief. The belief strengthens itself over time. It might result in failures initially, but again, problems that create themselves also resolve themselves. Each failure would strengthen your next attempt. And when you're done with all your work, you can sit back and analyse how much of your dream has come true, and in what manner. Unless your inclination towards your goal was insincere, it is certain that you'll feel content regardless of whether your dream has come true in the form you wanted or not. You shall be assured of one thing - the world may seem bad by the looks of it, but that's only because there's insecurity behind every mind that knows it's a part of that world. The world fears itself. You fear yourself, and should, because you're the one who controls you. But once you're into the game, all these things transpire and you're an active player - a part of the "bad" world.

Bye Bye

2010-07-27T14:53:00.000+05:30

The month that passed had been full of activity, right from the very beginning. It was almost a new lifestyle. Things in conception coming out to be true without any notice. Things unexpected(but not undesirable, in most cases) happening all around. Chats with PD dada and Loks. Serious hard work, serious lapses, serious rest and serious sickness. Serious learning and serious dilemmas with regard to getting serious about things I was taking as a joke. Serious messages encoded in simple words, showing their specialty through the extra bit of non-sense they reflected. Hectic schedules, scorns for not being able to keep track with friends, missed chances and missed classes. Loss in weight. Subtle changes. Lots of thoughts in the background of my mind. Occasional questions that popped up and are still stored in my cache. States of important things not affecting regular routine. No studies. No serious chats. Little writing. Callousness towards certain things(wasn't penalized too seriously).
Felt totally unlike me, but didn't feel like changing it either. But it's time to end it all.
It's time to get back to serious work. College starting this 10th. Need to get my mind back to a certain mindset and need to dump out few matters that I'd allowed to occupy my mind for most of the last thirty days.
It's been three months since serious study, and I guess it's gonna be a bit longer. With the time I have left before college, I intend to tame my mind the serious way this time. Somehow I believe it's all possible. It never worked earlier, and at the same time, it never felt this way before, so I'll be gambling one last time.
With that I come to the end of this vague post. Hope you didn't get any bit of it. :P
Will write soon...

The Week That Just Shouldn't Have Been...

2010-07-22T17:17:00.002+05:30

Things began last Tuesday. I had some sort of cold for a few days but it was negligible. The only visible effect was occasional sneezing. The previous day at the swimming class was fun. So was the previous guitar class. So Tuesday, guitar class. I had a running nose right from the time I boarded the train. Since I am used to staying a little tired these days, I didnt feel particularly sick. My nose ran more frequently in the guitar class and I was almost certain I was sick. Add to that, my eyes started streaming as well. I waited to get home.
Stayed long in the class as usual. Got home at around 1:30. Was tired. Rested as usual.
This is Tuesday. Coming Saturday was the date when Techathon was scheduled. I had requested the questions at least a week in advance since I was going to create a website instead of using a conventional powerpoint presentation. Since I was new to Web designing and had no previous experience of using anything other than HTML, I needed quite a bit of time to fit both R&D and programming into my course of action.
Anyways, by Tuesday night, I had high fever. 104 degree Fahrenheit. Highest I've had so far, in my memory. The running nose made it all too irritating. The tension regarding the website spoiled the mental state as well. Add to that, I hadn't been able to keep udated with my closest pals for a long time and they had been constantly reminding to have a meet up someday, so that kept coming to mind every now and then. I have lost track of the other tensions I had that time.
I had to skip the guitar class on Wednesday. Had informed my teacher already that I had to go to my college for some admission procedures. Salt lake is a distant place. And I never liked going there since I felt homesick just as soon as my feet landed on it's soil. But admission processes are important, and I told my parents it was important for me to be present. After a lot of hesitation, they agreed. Things can never get this simple(yes, it's simple this far). Not in my life. Due to a misunderstanding which is still unresolved, my work wasn't done that day. All the heat soaked in that day went for nothing.
Anyways, went to the doctor that evening. He just gave some medicines. The fever was within reasonable limits that night.
By next morning, I had a new problem to deal with: hiccups - far too many of them. I couldn't eat properly talk properly, do anything properly. I had no control over those hiccups. Tried a few measures, didn't help. Anyways, went to the college again. Got the work done.
Returned home. Late afternoon. Tried taking some rest. In vain.
Wednesday. Evening. Still no questions received. Finally got the mails at night. Started working. Hiccups still on.
I kept learning, programming, applying, thinking, and hicc-uping till 2:30. It was after a long time that had programmed for five hours or more at a stretch. Naturally, I had no sleep in my eyes. I was excited. But my body wasn't. It desperately called for some rest. There's this thing about not being able to eat well when you're down, especially if you happen to be someone who doens't articularly appreciate being down.
At 3, I went to bed. Listened to songs till 3:30 and tried sleeping after that. I kept turning to either side for about an hour. Hiccups kept me from sleeping. At 4:43 I decided to get back to work at 5. I wanted to get back right then, but thought my parents might object to my neglecting my sleep. But I couldn't stay in bed any longer. I got up and did some exercise. At five, my computer was turned on, and I got back to work.
The previous night, on chat, Promit had enquired how far I had got. Now, seeing things from the programmer's side, you can't have a steady pace of completing the task. You're 5% through after an hour and can be 25% through in minutes. Sometimes you show retrogressive progression, when you decide to change algorithms or languages, but that does not bother the ones who are only concerned with the final output. Reasonable.
Anyways, I kept programming whole day. I was skipping both my swimming and guitar classes pretty conveniently. I was even getting out of practice. Add to that, I was still sick and tired. Now I also had to catch up on sleep.
The day ended with everyone going to bed. I kept working. It's this thing with sleeping late nights that you can't stay up all night if you plan to. It always has to be a plan of staying up late night, but never skipping sleep. I don't know why, but it's just that way.
5:34 and I was struggling with a bad looking homepage and a code that wasn't working. Generating random numbers was something I'd been doing even where not required since I had come to know about them. And just when it was asked for, my program couldn't work as required. I don't know where exactly the problem was, and I might never do. I subtituted few things with some mechanical work and made the website more or less presentable.
It was past six when I went to sleep. The previous night Promit had sent a message saying we were to meet at eight in the morning. I woke up at eight. At nine I was waiting outiside the main gate of our school. I called Promit to get me admitted. After a few minutes of wait, Sir Suman came to authorize me.
Upstairs and I was back to coding. After a general demo, I was up to polishing whatever could be made out of the stuff. I also had to do the downloading of the videos and their clipping the previous night. Come to think of it, I had to do quite a lot back then which I don't remember now. I simply didn't think I'd survive to write this article, so I didn't bother remembering.
Anyways, the lab AC didn't help any bit. Within minutes, all the muscles of my chest and abs started aching, and pained real bad each time I coughed. I waited for the day to end soon.
Our event finally took off at 1. The projecting screen was behind my back. I didn't have any asssistants when Promit came and shouted "Adarsh, I told you to use 'Shutter'!" The video folder was open and the participants could conveniently see the names of the question videos. Gonecase.
The event got over somehow, the audio-visual round being the most humiliating one.
I left for home soon after the event.
Back home, I rested.
I rested for the remaining part of that day and the entire bit of the next day, missing an adda with friends I had been longing to meet for quite some time.
Somehow I just couldn't get myself back to my feet even the next day. It took me one more day of complete rest to rejoin my guitar classes. Since I still had the cold, I didn't join the swimming classes.
It's been quite a few days now and I still haven't managed to meet any of my friends. I attended a reunion with all the 12C mates. Was a nice evening. I have one more reunion to be a part of.
My body is still stressed and I still have the cold. I haven't rejoined my swimming classes yet and now have a pain I picked up one of these days without the slightest hint. Will write soon, hopefully with a few things resolved...

Why I had to give up mere jeevan ka aadhar...

2010-06-26T21:13:00.003+05:30

   I don't have words to explain this situation since what I want to write and what I want to project seem contradictory even as I think of them. Anyways, just to make things more comprehensible, I'd like to clarify that I'm currently writing of a thought process I've long abandoned. Since I have abandoned it and have come a long way in living a thought process which is totally contradictory to the one under review, my tone and arguements might not seem to uphold my idea very firmly.

   Despite what we think we should be and all the things we should do and all the other shoulds we should go by, we remain human. Humans have limits. Trying to support two contradictory concepts is impossible after a certain limit, since one needs to live with those thoughts to support them. It's difficult to nurture both the thoughts in the same mind, for there is only one conscience.

   I had been a silent admirer of Nature and Life through all my childhood years. I was unaware of the fact until I started writing and projecting my thoughts on philosophical issues in recent years. I realized that I had followed those beliefs as instincts all through my life. My actions and thoughts were governed by what I felt. I believed that those feelings originated in the soul. A soul is powerful and unrestricted. Anything that makes the soul feel freed should be done. Little acts of goodness made the soul feel better. Sticking to conventional ethics despite everything going wrong in life made the soul feel better. I believed there was this special connectivity between the soul and Nature. I felt a sort of goodness when surrounded by natural elements. It was almost like feeling the force that's behind everything. A force that observes and acts in ways that don't allow humans to think they're being controlled. An attractive force.

   That force was a normal element of my life. It's not that I had any different experiences from everyone has. But I liked to feel more of that force, which made me act, think and reason in manners that made me feel the element of that force growing inside me. That didn't happen at a good time. That somehow drove me to impracticality. Not that I was too practical before realizing this, but I wasn't categorised so far. This impracticality reflected in my approach to life. I contented myself with the satisfaction I received from experiencing this force within me. That feeling closed my eyes towards worldly activities, towards the feelings I thought were associated with materialistic elements. That feeling made me think I couldn't gain anything or lose anything since materialistic things didn't matter to me. It made me unbothered about my identity as a person. Yes, I didn't expect anything out of life and wasn't affected by the ups and lows that came my way. My mind was at peace with itself and all I wanted was to let my thoughts grow, evolve. As many of you might also believe, thoughts don't need exposure to the rest of the world to evolve. Thoughts nurture thoughts. The basis of my reason was the idealism associated with this force. While all this seemed too good to be in the mind of a seventeen year old, it was the wrongest of things that could have occupied the mind of a science student because it made me lose my thirst for doing better. How? Whenever I did bad, it didn't matter too much. It didn't pinch too much. And it's a fact that even capital measures couldn't have changed that mindset. It was like I had cut myself off from the rest of the world, wasn't human anymore and didn't need anything but thoughts. I spent long hours thinking of life and reasons for existence. I spent long hours thinking of questions that popped up without my having any idea of their source. I spent long hours thinking whether all that was good or not. And then, it was time.

   Class 11 and 12 are two years that turn your life inside out. The way I was going, since I had no corporal life, nothing could have affected me. But slowly and gradually, my own reason gave way to some realizations. As the images of the things I was losing became more distinct, as the times I had "wasted" thinking all that I deemed was important deprived my actual life of an important period, as everything I had suddenly became visible in a moment and seemed to be going out of my grip, I opened my eyes for the first time in two years. Yes, I had lost quite a lot. I did lament it, but even that lament had a bit of satisfaction in it because it could have come only if I cared for losing all that I had lost. The impacts are going to be drastic, I know, but for me it was enough to know I had got myself out of the mindset that was keeping me from certain things I should have addressed much earlier, certain things that should have received more priority from my side.

   Since then, thanks to conversations with some people and my own analysis of the period that had passed, I took on a new thought process, something that allowed me to be more like human beings, something that allowed me to associate myself with earthly things, things like success and failure, happiness and sorrow, more of reality. Then on, I have been much more practical in my approach to life. Though I have missed the golden period of reflection frequently since then, I don't want to find myself back in that frame of mind, not until I dispose of the priorities that have been chalked out for me by the same conscience that held my reason apprentice in that period. I would like to think I was in a sort of mindset that could have been divine or supernatural, since it made me feel that way about it as long as I was in it. I would like to think I was associated with something that can only be regarded as a privilege, since I had no worries back then. But I would not like to think I have missed or lost anything in giving that mindset up because my current mindset doesn't give any scope of thinking about it, since it has no practical outcome.

   Someday, I'd like to see myself capable of balancing and justifying both the mindsets simultaneously...

Finally the "finally" feel...

2010-06-20T11:28:00.000+05:30

It's been long since I had this instinctive feeling of saying or writing "finally..." But finally, the time has come. Courtesy, Indian Railways. Took me about a week to finally figure out a way of returning home from Delhi. My cousin suggested an alternative route and we managed to drag ourselves back home somehow. 12 hours of delay and a 45-minute halt at the carshed - enough to get me crossed. But anyways, it's a pleasure to be back home.
With that I come to the second half of the cause of the "finally" feeling. During the last two weeks, when I was separated from my PC by thousands of kilometers, I landed upon some small ideas which I instantly felt like working on. I read "Two States" and "The Alchemist" in the meantime, which further increased my desperation to get on with the plans. Today I started off with one of them - a forum to discuss the problems we faced as science students, a casual approach to guide juniors who might be interested.
This is my new blog :
http://problemsinc.blogspot.com/

Need to get to the implementation of the other plans as well, so it's adios for now. Shall come up with newer things soon.

Man and Superman : not a book review.

2010-05-24T11:31:00.002+05:30

I don't quite know where to begin. Man and Superman takes you through a vast range of philosophies and mindsets and showcases some extraordinary behaviours in very conventional characters. Getting away with the language bit first, this book shows you just why G. B. Shaw was such a success. With the kind of subjects discussed in the story, one ereally needs to rely on the beauty of his language to keep reading at times. At the initial peaks, where the comic part dominates, you understand why good humour needs to be backed by good language to make it great and timeless humour. Of course, the traditional English accent makes me love it all the more. Not having been much of a reader for most of my life, I must admit I missed out on a lot of learning in the serious parts. I mean if you happen to possess the rare misfortune of being me, you'd be dangling on a thin line between the language and the philosophy. But anyways, since most of the issues were settled in places where one could be seated comfortably(since those required to be seated kept rising up and leaving pretty often) and old English social life didn't require people to be very emphatic for expressing anything, however serious, and hence reflected sometimes undesirable and always controversial composure, one shouldn't find it difficult to get through most of it.

Most of the story is based on how women at that time were looked upon, how their follies were dealt with and how their beauty was perceived. Of course, how men dealt with their folloies and how men perceived their beauty. The most distinct character is John Tanner, a confident and firm young man, certain about his values and about others' follies, so certain that he misses out realising his own feelings until they're pointed out to him.[refer to shelled creatures, Life of a Self-Pwner, Dumb life and a colon P]
His views are, I believe, what the writer himself held. It's very typical of writers to portray their own views in a disregarding manner so as to obtain a more genuine response from the readers, normally in favour of the writer's own views. The views of the other characters represent the arguements Shaw himself put forth while introspecting. The subtle but effective use of chance events to link totally different parts of the play is commendable. While all of it is nothing short of a great story, at no point do you find it deviating very much from real life. Of course, times have changed. A hundred years back, people were different. They represented specific behaviours and ideas. Now, almost everyone represents everything. From that view, the story is close to real, with the occasional spice acting as clustered co-incidences.

Coming to personal views, I would like to clarify that I'm an eighteen year old science student who hasn't seen much of life as yet and who likes to delve into occasional phases of contemplation. So, Tanner says women are like boa constrictors and every bit of their grace is part of a mantrap. What's worse is, the marked soul is devoured head first, which, I would take the freedom to imply, means it's no use coming out half alive. Venturing further into the oesoophagus of the play, we constantly find the women representatives standing up to all the - well, there's no lighter term - allegations. I've always been fascinated about how the female mind works, only managing to observe that it works "differently" and that there is "something" which is characteristic of each of them. While this claim might be casually kept aside, calling it their obvious "womanhood," I firmly believe it's something else, something totally relating to the mind. Of course, the story doesn't suggest that it's supposed to be anywhere close to a brighter side of the mind. Tanner marks the hypocrisy, the diabolically structured statements, each and every bit of what he regards the plot to have the prey with its back against the wall. He does it so well that sometimes you really feel like it's a little too harsh on his part. But the reactions of the accused only mark the veracity of his claims.

In the end, well, a "happy" ending is compiled - not particularly satisfying for me(I'd rather have the old Tanner). But ultimately you have to agree that love reigns supreme - or hypocrisy - or whatever they call it. I feel for Tavy, he reminded me of Forrest Gump, only Tavy was more chivalrous, more than desired. Well, since Tanner's happy being the prey(of course, he had predicted his fate fairly early in the play), Tavy's fine being nothing and - oh! Ramsden's left - he was an integral part of the not so important society and didn't really matter, so chuck it - Mr. Malone's fine giving away all his possessions as ransom to the abductor of his poor child Hector, I have nothing to say. Whatever works for you and wherever life takes you is where you belong. Forget the society when thoughts get too heavy to keep. The society does much the same. As a person, do what pleases your heart, be it spending your life and afterlife seeking more and more knowledge or just being easy prey to hypocritic evil minded boa constrictors.
-No offence,
Mentalterror Trialnerror

Retrospection

2010-05-13T00:27:00.003+05:30

I'd been reading 'Man and Superman' for the last couple of days, a marvellous combination of comedy and philosophy, coming from none less than George Bernard Shaw. I was very excited about completing the book as fast as possible so I could maybe write a short article or review on it. That was before actually reading it.

It sounded just like I was told by a friend who had suggested me that book. But well into the plot, the writer started showing his cards one by one. Most often writers use different characters to debate over an issue which has been their own dilemma. Since they find it difficult to answer it on their own, they show, through the character sketches of the characters, the propositions that they personally hold for and against the issue, and leave it for the audience to conclude whatever needs to be.

Coming to my main purpose of writing this article, the book passes overlaps some very critical issues relating to matters even I have been contemplating about for over eighteen months now. I've had conversations, counselling sessions and light-hearted as well as grim discussions on the issues relating to our so-called obligations to the world, the freedom of our soul, the basis of choices, the purpose of life.

I used to be simple as a child; I didn't put much of thought into what I did, probably because my thought process wasn't adulterated with modern thoughts of insecurity and clash of interests. Since I didn't need more than I got, my requirements were set well within what I had and so I was spared the negative connotations of such thoughts. Over the last two years, the kind of discussions I had moulded my mindset into something different - something I still haven't managed to comprehend entirely. Since then, my mind got introduced to 'thinking'. Then, my mind was open to thoughts of all sorts regardless of whether they pertained to me or not. As time passed, I came across more people, different people. Discussions continued. When I was at a peak of thinking, loaded with thoughts that could evoke nothing out of me apart from tiring me out and keeping me occasionally sleepless, I was made to realize that some thoughts don't deserve a place in our head. Sometimes, in fact almost everytime, we should bother only about things pertaining to us. Let me make one point clear - whatever I had been told and am sharing is based on the what I currently am and how I am currently disposed. It applies to what I should think NOW - in the prime period of my spiritual growth. Initially, I was reluctant to giving in to such a mindset, probably because I felt it would instill values I would rather not like to have. Time passed and my life suddenly started seeing events it had never wir\tnessed before. As luck would have it, I started feeling a change in percpetion and soon enough, I found myself starting off on a journey to reform my mind, to get rid of values rather than instill them. Values - or what I thought were values - which were the real bstacles on my path. Since they were as big as boulders, I couldn't really see where that path led, so it would be unjust to call it "path to success." Anyway, since I started trying to think that way and appreciate the beauty of this new thought process, I felt like a new person. A thirst that I had been lacking for the last two years sort of came back.

For now, I am learning how to let go. How to let go of each bond that keeps you back. This was something reflected very vividly in the moodswings of a friend of mine. Initially, I thought they were ordinary moodsswings, triggered by random and untimely philosophical thirsts but having felt the same over the last couple of months, I realized how vital it is to have a shell around one's core. I realized it's not worth to think of others as long as you're not standing on your own feet. I don't want to imply that any of the values our grandparents wanted to see in us are bad to have. All I want to say is that there is a need of a lot of sternness and a need to get rid of one's considerate nature to be able to think clearly and progress well, as long as one's own ground is not stable.

Tanner gave up his love story to be freed from bonds he knew would come in the way of his success. In some similar manner, in case anything seems to draw you back, look around you and try to figure out whether your mind is free or not.

Getting rid of beliefs that you bear an obligation to the world is a crucial stage in mental development and is one of the key factors to having a free mind.

I used to nurture beliefs that such things make you turn into people you didn't expect to as a child, people you still don't want to turn into. But having seen what such personalities can be like I wouldn't regret having resorted to such a mindset because once in it, I wouldn't get a chance to look back, wouldn't wish to look back because that mindet itself makes you strong enough to bear yourself regardless of the rest of the world or situations.

This short note is a tribute to that mindset which I intend to bring upon myself.

"May" be a new month

2010-05-05T20:10:00.001+05:30

Well, things haven't been at their best of late. Ha! They never were. I had got used to them in the last couple of years. The inflictions of life had made me numb, which is probably why I didn't wonder when I saw my VITEEE rank. There has been a cause associated with every little failure. Serious causes, not necessarily valid. They can be called excuses. But the gradual development of this numbness didn't allow me to look at it that way. I believed they were rational causes. As for myself, for almost the entire span of my life, I haven't accepted lame excuses from my own side. But the way some unknown factor bluffed me into letting certain excuses get the better of my belief made me something which I had never been. I started admitting the causes of my failures without much of a reaction. I stopped feeling sad. I stopped feeling that pinch which had so far kept me going after every failure. Most of all, I started giving in to mediocrity - something I hadn't given my conscience the scope of accusing me on the basis of. Somehow that numbness distracted me from venturing into finding the possible remedies to this problem. I was led into believing what was around me. I was led into believing that the pit I had fallen into was where I lay all the time. I was led into believing I wasn't the same me. I took away my own right to dream.

"The bigger they are, the harder they fall." The bigger the exam, the harder I fell.

What I have observed about such situations in my life and in the lives of other people is that the blindness and numbness stays only as long as it is worth getting rid of them. As soon as the exams ended, I found myself getting some of my thirst back. I found myself getting normal once again.

But now I feel relaxed and relieved. I can dream once again. I can also picture my dreams and the reality together once again. Over the last few days I have tried to assure myself that what has gone is only a pebble. The real obstacles would be mountains that won't even give one the scope to realize they're wrongly headed. Pebbles make you tumble. They make you realize. They make you bear the pain so you can associate lessons with that pain. Mountains are smooth, over a short range.
The last few months have also taught me that belief matters a lot. Trying to be realistic by accepting you can't do a particular job which is known to be difficult might sound wise but does a good deal of harm to your will power. I have learned the value of belief now. It took me some time to understand why exactly we need to be cent percent certain about every little thing.
I believe I have taken some lessons along with these bruises. Life has just begun, so has the learning.
The harder the former gets, the deeper the later does.

Life of a Self-Pwner

2010-04-20T10:22:00.000+05:30

Life pwns you. Life pwns you bad... real bad. But once life pwns you real bad, you can get to two places. You can either be a pwner yourself and take revenge on the whole world without actually admitting it. Or, you can just be happy the pwning is over and keep moving, knowing but not doing anything about the fact that life would pwn you once again.

These two are instinctive responses. Those who initially turn pwners manage to create a shell around them. A porous shell. One that can filter life's pwning activities like a firewall. Sounds good.

Those who don't think of having the shell are pwned again. By life, by others, and most of all - by themselves.

The shelled creatures prevent their core from attacks very successfully. But as so often happens, their firewall also disrupts the functioning of other utility programs. They end up compromising with their emotions. There's no way of living those emotions as long as the core is bound by a shell of any sort. The result - .

The unshelled creatures, on the other hand, have an unprotected core - also called a free core. Since they don't have a firewall, they can't suspect offensive accesses. So, the unauthorized access and the authorized access go on simultaneously. Since the core-owner doesn't deem the core to be something worth protecting, he isn't bothered about the potential value of the core. The attacker, on the other hand, puts his hand on whatever comes his way. The owner isn't bothered, though he constantly suffers losses. Sometimes he does feel he should try installing a firewall, but installing firewalls on an infected system might not be feasible because firewalls work best on uninfected systems. If a corrupt official hires a security guard, however effective the guard may be, the security can't be regarded safe. Similarly, having a shell on a core that has been encroached upon already would effectively lead to the malfunctioning of the utility programs alone. So, unshelled creatures remain unshelled creatures.

They have a few benefits though, or so they think. They think it's easier for them to express themselves, however dumb or repeated their expressions might be, since their core is not bound. They feel they can't lose anything, since the core is the only thing they have and it's already known to be an unofficial public property. These are the ones that become self-pwning creatures. Despite the resources they might have at their disposal, they might not necessarily make the best out of them. The reason - themselves.

So, what was that introduction for(err... that part above was the introduction, and it has ended)?

That introduction was solely meant to divert your attention to some other reign of thoughts when I introduce myself - Hello, I am a self-pwner. Hope it wasn't difficult for you to suspect it. In case it was, I apologize.

I keep acknowledging myself as a rare possession of Mother Earth, at least in my social circle, because I am the rare self-pwner. In turn, I get responses of affirmation or denial from reliable or unreliable sources. From the sources I deem reliable, I get affirmations. The type of affirmation helps me judge whether a characteristic of mine is actually a self-pwning characteristic or not. That in turn helps me figure out the exact definition of self-pwning. So, with reference to that definition of self-pwning, a self-pwner is a self-effacing, self-deprecating, defenceless, egoless, timid, callous clown who thinks the world has been regarded beautiful for the sole reason that all the great thinkers that have come(and gone) down the years had been as self-pwning as him and they said life's inflictions were to be faced with a smile, which is actually a lame fact which the clown regards as motivation.

Self-pwners hardly realize how special they are unless some genuine friends open their eyes. Once they do open their eyes, though, self-pwners get elevated to the next level of self-pwning. They keep becoming more miserable as life progresses. They feel the cause of the miseries of their life is deeply rooted somewhere. They spend their entire lives trying to locate that "somewhere" in vain, unaware that most of their life was pwned because they spent most of it in looking for something that didn't exist.

So, our society has such people. Hitler's dead. So, who takes care of them now? The answer is, they themselves.

Fortunately, the good thing with us self-pwners is, they don't need to be taken care of. They live in a world of their own(they have problems even there, so they find it difficult to get out of that world as well). They fit into the society like nuts and bolts that are covered by the more attractive parts of a vehicle. They are happy as long as they aren't aware of themselves.

What happens then?

Well, they evolve. Over the course of time, self-pwners evolve into fantastic losers. They have this magnanimous ability to set examples that shouldn't be emulated. They make fantastic comedians, only they are not lucky enough to be shown on TV. But, they don't really care. They can't really care. They are, after all, the ugly ducklings that never read "The Ugly Duckling."

Fortunately, the others around them keep them away from "The Ugly Duckling" and other pathways they might find of getting out of breaking the jinx of recurring self-pwning events. They make such a convenient addition to the free past-times the world runs after.

Change in plan...

2010-04-19T21:34:00.000+05:30

This follows from a previous post. Well, I was returning home with some grocery stuff when I suddenly stumbled upon a thought. The next thought was of posting it here. I'd been stupid(more than usual) to have said I'd try web page designing and image editing right away. I almost forgot about Flash. It's been two years since I started wishing to learn it. It's been one year since I started trying to make that wish come true. It's been equally long since I dropped the plan. :|

So, I guess I'd try picking up some flash, probably get some older version just to maintain the simplicity initially. After that, well, maybe get to whatever else I can. That entire article follows from here on.

I won't extend this post too much, because this plan or resolution sounds creepy in the sense that it reminds me of a "Tales of Mere Existence" video I came across a few days back. So, enjoy the video while I plan a bit more.. :P

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9NgXIkyiwk

"Dumb Life and a colon P" - Nomenclature

2010-04-19T20:25:00.000+05:30

Well, the first time friends hear the name, they look back at me with a blank expression. Only on being asked if they know what it means do they reply they can't figure out. So, I thought it would be kind on my part to clarify this once and for all.

The story begins when God finally sets his eyes upon a sixteen year old conveniently busy minding his own business. Life used to be good sometime back. Since then, I've been forced to evaluate life on factors I never thought should be given any significance in this regard - marks, for example. I guess that tells half the story.

Incidentally, the timeline of my fall happened to coincide with the prime-time of my online activity, but I still maintain they were not related. So, since it was the prime-time of my online activity, it was also the time when I was most deeply involved in "discussions" - about life, about philosophy, about perceptions, about mindsets. I had these friends I'd met online whom I'd like to call my "mentors" and "teachers." I eagerly awaited evenings because that was the time I had most of my discussions on all those abstract elements of life.

That was one of the most beautiful phases of my life.

Global warming led to an increase in the water level, and I soon found my situation getting uncomfortable. I like to call it an extended bad patch or simply "sitaaron ki gardish" because I still hold on to the belief that old times will be back again. Now, when we discussed topics, we kept personal interests aside. The subject under review and the one reviewing it were totally unlinked. But when personal interests came to be the point of discussion, especially at a time when my personal interests were being highly disregarded by life, I felt my mindset changing. In a matter of months and over the course of a series of transitions that even substituted my "mentor," I started calling life dumb. I've been chanting it like a song since then.

And now, since the ugliest and the most beautiful parts of my life were carved in the background of my online activity, since my online activity was characterised by an excessive(but usually not very meaningless) use of smileys, since :P was the most frequently used smiley, and since it expressed life's response to my queries pretty aptly, I decided this would be an apt name for my blog. And of course, bitter-gourd was far from edible when I was a child, so the article section goes by that name.

I quit! I just couldn't think of anything else!

What does it look like?

2010-04-18T22:23:00.000+05:30

Well, I've been jumping around (the abstract jump, not the real one, of course.. we're old people now.. old enough to care for our bones :P) with this "let the 25th arrive" thing for a long time. While on one hand it gives temporary pleasure, on the other it gives me the creeps. I've chalked out - err, that's too formal and demanding a term, okay, thought out - a list of things I'd do when I'm "free." Here goes what I have in mind:
1) I've been bombarded with a host of great sites of late.. need to have a closer look at some of them. Sadly, when bookmarks became a regular tool for me, my OS passed out :( Anyways, there still are some hundred websites I need to check out.
2) With that also comes a lot of blogging. I finally understood that writing books the conventional way won't work for me. I shall do what I am bett..er.. more regular at - blogging. I have about a dozen articles ready. I guess that's how the pages of my life would be written, formally, I may add.
3) Movies - that entire list lying on my hard drive. Download and watch. No description required.
4) The interesting stuff now, I have the XML and more detailed HTML tutorials ready. Add a bit of CSS and PHP if I can squeeze them in. But wait, Java comes first. Need to get back to applets. Seems like two years since I did my last considerable job with them. Of course, photoshop needs loads of practice now - no more freelancing there :P Need to get to the more professional aspect. Need to prepare for CS5.
5) This one's related to the previous one but I assume it requires special mention. I'd put it rather straightforward - eat your cookies before I get hungry. That's enough for the ones concerned to know what I mean.(I know I've put it in a rather lame and transparent way, but I guess that if I'm dumb enough to be spotted, I'm serious enough to be deemed harmless :P)
6) This one's a procrastination tester. Parkour would be a high level term. I guess I can do some regular workout instead. Thinking of learning how to swim. They say that if you quit swimming after sometime, you tummy crosses borders. Know what? Guess I've finally found a way to put on some weight. Just verification required. Oh, yes, I forgot to add that I've almost dumped that plan of learning how to play the guitar.

I guess I shouldn't end without adding that these are general superman feelings everyone gets during exams. Whether any of these wishes manifests itself into reality is a matter decided solely by the mindset that exams leave us with and more so, by the seriousness with which we decide to go about them. But since most of these activities involve programming, I guess not going about any one of them would mean being unjust to my hobbies and missing out on the much-awaited fun. So, 25th April, Here I Come!

Moodswings (wonder if they're significant.. they consume time, though..)

2010-04-18T22:02:00.001+05:30

Seems like I'm in a big sort of mess. Messed up IITJEE, messed up ISAT, messed up VITEEE, messed up WBJEE. Am I losing the purpose of life? I wonder what has happened... With the return of my old mindset on several aspects of life, I'd assumed my acadmic status would be raised back to normal, or at least close to it. But what I see now is something that's disheartening me more than anything I've ever faced. So far, in the entire length of my life, nothing has troubled me like this extended bad patch. It's like a tumor on the rest of my life, yet I can't be sure this is the only hurdle I'll face or this is the end of the first one that I've faced. I wonder if at all I'll get to see those good marks again. Somehow this is spoiling ym very thirst for excellence. I don't know why I can't get myself back again. I strongly feel I need some isolation. I need to get my self-control raised. There are too many things I need to do. But I find the resolution to do them missing. I need direction. But I can't be sure if that would be all. Even with a direction, I'm not sure if I'd muster enough will to walk on the directed path. I don't know what exactly has gone wrong. The only thing I had thought was wrong has been set right, or so I think. Then why is it that I fail to realize my own self? Why is it that I fail to understand the causes of my fall? Is it only because I'm trying to look for problems where there is none and in the course missing out on actual performance? Is it only because all this frustration has given me a pessimistic outlook and I feel like I've lost everything? I can't justify it either, because the last time I feel I saw good times, I had the belief that I had nothing to lose. The last time I saw good times, messing up exams didn't mean what it means today. The last time I saw good times, bad times had an end. Sometimes I feel like all this will end soon - the bad times I mean - but then trying to muster patience to walk the road down this dark valley, I think, gives me more of a negative outlook - it makes me want less and less yet wherein I know I require more. This is one of those strange times when my necessities have been exceeded by what I have - be it marks or mental integrity. Having said all that, I'd like to add that I just want to see tihs phase through. I want to regain some silence, some seriousness, some friends, that I have lost contact with during this long course. I guess that should make things better - for a moment. Not just that, I feel that wuld also give me the strength to prepare myself for what'll come next. The next level would be a fresh start. Wherever I go, I would like to become what I've wanted to become. I'd like to be serious, would like to be silent. Oh yes, would like to think, again.
Till then, I'd like to leave my readers(if any) with a tip - If at any point in the course of life you feel like you're messing things up, don't worry, you mess things up even at the best of times, being unaware of it only helps to retain your mental comfort for a longer period of time.

Look forward to some boring theories

2010-04-15T22:09:00.003+05:30

Well, I have four more exams to go.. 25th of April marks my day(err.. evening) to introduce the world to the devil I've been talking about.

I've been waiting for days to let go of myself and finally get to things that I've wanted to do so dearly - learning a bit of web designing(more of html, xml, etc ), Java, C++ and of course, some image editing. With my tutorials ready, CS5 on its way and sirji for company, I guess I'm set for an exciting time. Hope these exams don't take away all my stamina.

That reminds me.. IITJEE left me with high fever. My parents got worried thinking that if one exam could do that much(my condition was terrible that night), how could I bear four more! Fortunately, luck helped me in keeping my word (I told them I would get well by the next night and so, I'd like to avoid the doc. :P). Now, it's exam time again, after some four days of studies(out of which only half a day was utilized). The ride begins again - the longer path this time - with three exams on a trot. I'm set for a long long weekend. The question paper doesn't bother me.. it's the solutions that get me crossed. Anyways, I felt my old mindset returning last night. I was just sitting with a Chemistry book when a thought struck me and I immediately started penning it down. That kinda felt good - always feels good - especially after you've been out of practice for 12 odd months! The next half hour was a thorough thought ride. It was a rewind of some of my previous theories. But the journey ended on that sad note again - with the face-off with "The Vacant Slot" theory and "The Theory of Contradictions." Err.. I mean my versions of both. Anyways, that's a sad story, but that's not the reason why I won't write it now. The reason I won't write it now is that it's a long story. It might consume the whole night, but I guess I'd like to have a nice nap before going into tomorrow's exam. So, good night!

Just a message..

2010-03-30T00:15:00.001+05:30

Well, as you all might not know, I am working on my never-to-be-written book. I'm collecting articles. Writing them impromptu. So I guess I'll be posting any random article from that collection(whenever I am in the mood, that is). Be ready for some irritating and conflicting stuff to come in just a few days.

A Dark Day

2010-03-29T23:05:00.003+05:30

I must say I feel like writing today. I feel more than I've ever felt during the last few months that passed by that I need some discussion - philosophy, sarcasm, ahem, anything. I strongly feel God should show mercy on poor little my-types by gifting the likes of MM and AK some free time. Of course, I speak this kind of crap every time I feel good. Now, getting back to reality, I feel light and heavy at the same time today. Light, because I'm into the last 64 minutes of enjoying life as a kid. Heavy, because every 64 becomes 63 before you finish admiring it, let alone living or enjoying it. So, ISC ended finally. I'm happy - not because I had some real nice rubbish to dump - because I can breathe a little easy now. I can write answers my way now. I can think now. I can.. err.. who am I fooling. I feel apprehensive suddenly. I strongly feel I need to have a talk. Commerce would do because Science would be rather too busy. Actually, Philosophy or Web Designing would also do since... err.. hold on - I'm not getting back to it.

Well, a little bit of drama can do wonders at times. Sometimes when you act too artificially, drama can actually be convincing for you. Anyways, loads of rubbish to dump. Had a nice time at Purbayan's this evening. Watched "Zombieland" - kinda good. I've seen better movies - but probably not in better moods. Four light hearted world-victimised science students, one less in experience and wounds, and cool breeze to blow us away. A bit of abstract photography to add to it. Oh yes, Somu without snacks is difficult to conceive. A little bit of their this and that ahemish talk, a little bit of my stupid and rather artificial drama and yes, nothing else.

Guess that sets us up for some excercise tomorrow onwards.

Good night.

Finally...

2010-03-26T22:36:00.002+05:30

It all started around three years ago. That was the prime-time of my online activity. I used to consider social networking sites as a great source of knowledge. Initially, I didn't have much to share as I thought I was supposed to be like a school-kid reading his lessons. Perceptions started changing as people drew me into conversations. One after the other, I came across quite a few people who were actually interested in clarifying people's conceptions about life in general and perceptions in particular. Doing this for purely mental satisfaction was a characteristic that I found appreciable. Days passed by and conversations became a regular part of my schedule. People weren't people any longer. Everyone I met was perceived as a bunch of randomly packed views, as a unique perspective, as an abstract identity. I used to spend days and nights thinking of ways and means of understanding patters of thinking and used to discuss them with these people, whom I'd like to address as "teachers". It was never a thing of materialistic gain. In fact, in keeping one's mind occupied in such thoughts, one ends up suffering losses in one's real life. But since I had nothing to lose, I was shielded from the knowledge of such loses. Post after post, I found my perceptions getting moulded. Conversations were like classrooms, only I didn't have books and never found any topic boring. I was like a wanderer looking for a direction in his life, in his perspectives to be precise. I had an instinctive feeling that once I got a particular thing about my perceptions right, I would have a clearer outlook and would excel everywhere, be more effective. That was spurred by the fact that most of the conclusions of my theories actually came out to be true. I felt that building upon a system of interpreting the world would be a great achievement. And I felt happier with each so-called theory I thought of. But then, my mind fell upon thoughts that stated that, proceeding in the direction I was, I should end up with views that would contradict my own theories. That was a major turning point. This thought made me rethink all my theories and indeed, I found them all conflicting. With this last theory, I gave up writing. It was around the same time when my teachers.. uh.. disappeared. Now I had no light and no direction. In a way, I entered a new life - new perspectives, new perceptions. About a year into this new life, I came across more teachers, different ones this time, but nonetheless influential. What they said seemed to appeal more to my new set of views. This time, things became more practical. Things became more earthly, more realistic. I lived with memories for a long time, but time helped in curbing their impact. Then came the time of discussions with peers. That wasn't much of a success as my topics of discussion had never been anything related to anything "actually useful," and I also found certain viewpoints drastically different. I felt it would be best to stop this entire "thinking drama." It happened as a silent issue. Time passed. Times changed. Silence, coupled with helplessness and frustration, instilled patience. I sort of came to a halt. Looked around. Took a breath, and opened my eyes again. Recent events had been sufficient to mould my views in a more concrete manner. I am happy because this means I now am convinced about my direction. This was the primary cause I sought my teachers for. And since my main cause of being online has been fulfilled, I don't intend to continue my job as a wanderer any more. I guess the I've got some work to do now. I don't have any reason to be online any more. I am glad.

Gwammar Medefined :|

2010-03-26T14:56:00.000+05:30

As the name suggests, this is Grammar Redefined by Me aka Gwammar Medefined.
Just a list of words or phrases that I would like to(actually, already have) incorporate into the World Language(that's supposed to be defined here).
Shall keep adding later on...
ahem - adjective - An ahem piece of literature/activity is one that can be deemed objectionable for certain audiences. It is derived from the response of people on coming across such instances i.e. "ahem".(Now wasn't that obvious :| )
- verb - To ahem at something is to show your objection at an instance of an ahem article or an ahem piece of literature.
rofl - verb - No, it's not an abbreviation anymore. Rofling refers to an expression of laughter, generally genuine and unpunintended, that comes in approval and genuine appreciation of a comic incident, such as a joke.
adjective - roflable
lolzz - verb - Yes, there are two 'z's. That's perfectly alright. Now, lolzzing refers to a slight laugh. A small laugh that can often be considered to be an imposition.
adjective - lolzzable
lol - verb - used as a seriously genuine smile by the sarcasm holders.
ideate - verb - No, it's not idiot. The term ideating was coined by IBMers in one of their ads. It refers to the act of meditating to generate better ideas with lesser effort.
fawlty - adjective - Something that is comically erratic.
idemplate - verb - This one's mine \m/. It refers to contemplating over ideas.
Badedadeluh - noun - This is a blah substitute. When your emotions make you forget your vocab, you simply cry out "badedadeluh" for almost anything conceivable. It is emotion and language independent - a nice resort for uncontrollable tongues of constant gonecases.
Gonecase - noun - Noun form of "gone case." Generally refers to another noun, such as a person. You're a gonecase if you keep falling into gone cases pretty freuqently(or never get out of one to fall in a second time. :| ).
Punintended - adjective - Poetic term that refers to a piece of literature, a speech, or any other form of conversation, sometimes even an action, that can be regarded to be implying two or more meanings, of which one is the dumb straightforward one, and the other(s) is(are) the actual sarcastic one(s), which people attempt to refrain from putting in straightforward words.
antonym - unpunintended
nice - adjective - used to say "good" when "good" and all its other synonyms have reserved meanings.
Ofcoursity - noun - obviousness
Inconsolable - noun - song by BSB. :|

Errr...

2010-03-26T14:18:00.000+05:30

Hello?